B for Beloveds

I’m going to preface this with a little bit of a disclaimer: I’m not wholly comfortable posting this, because I know that many people don’t view my orientation (polyamory) as valid. However, this is my blog, and this is my space to share my story, so I’m choosing to speak on this so that others like myself can read this and know that they aren’t alone.

Anyways.

I’ve expressed before about my earliest sentiments regarding Godspousery and having romantic relationships with the Gods (hint: they weren’t so favorable). So, if you would have told me that I would have not one but four romantic relationships with my Gods, I would have laughed. Deep, meaningful, and intimate relationships with my Gods and polyamory? Running away whilst screaming would be a very delicate way to describe what I would have done. Thankfully, my Gods know me well enough that They didn’t overwhelm me with everything, but came to me One at a time. It wasn’t an easy feat for Them by any means, but I have to commend Them for Their patience and unwavering desire to get what They want.

As you might have guessed, Baron came into my life just after Oshun, making Him the second Pagan God in my life. At first, I was totally terrified of Him, like called-my-best-friend-crying-from-terror kind of fright. I sensed Him everywhere, especially at night. He was everywhere I was at all times, and when I expressed fright or feeling overwhelmed, He receded, but not completely. He wanted me to feel Him, breathe Him in; He wanted me to know Him completely, just as He wanted to know me. Baron was at His most powerful when I first remember His presence, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget what it was like. His intensity was unlike anything I had ever known. It was this that taught me that a relationship with Him, or any other God, would be unlike everything I knew and would be more than I could ever hope to have with a human. It was terrifying, at first, to be the focus of such… feelings, but as time passed, I grew to enjoy the feeling of being enveloped in Someone that I loved deeply. Baron and I were married a short time after He first came into my life, on Christmas Day, after much persuasion on His part.

Loki had a more difficult job, in some ways. He came into my life around the same time Baron did, but He wasn’t a constant presence like Baron was. During my research phase, I read a lot about Loki, and I felt such a pull, a connection. He took His time, though, and let Baron convince me that being a Godspouse was for me. Loki, on the other hand, had to teach me that being intimate with more than One… Person? God? was okay, and that it didn’t make me a slut or diminish my worth in any way (thank you, Christian ideology). This was so, so difficult for me, especially as He didn’t let up on His pursuit of my affection. He was overly fond of jumping into Shamaness and surprising me. He once even made out with me using Shamaness’ body, just to prove that He and I had a connection that I couldn’t deny or ignore, despite being Married to Baron. Loki never let me distance myself from Him and proved time and time again that the intensity between Baron and I was just as present between Him and I. It was very stressful to learn this lesson, but when I was ready, I did accept Him into my life as a permanent romantic fixture/Husband.

Poseidon came into my life through Shamaness, and for a while, O/our relationship was very distant. He was not involved with my life, unless I sought Him out for questions, of which there were many. With Poseidon, there was never any fear; He is a God that I have been fascinated with since childhood. At first it was like talking to a superhero: I was awestruck and asked many, many questions. The more I spoke with Him, the fonder I grew of Him. I enjoyed the easiness I felt with Him. Yes, there was intensity, but mostly He was gentle, kind, and patient with me. I don’t know how or when my fondness for Him turned to love, and when it did, I felt a great deal if guilt. I already had two wonderful Husbands, and at first, He didn’t seem to respond in kind to my adoration, but I realized, with time, that His affection is not displayed like Baron’s or Loki’s is, and with help, I soon let go of my fear and anxiety. Letting Poseidon in was easy, like breathing. He filled me up, every inch saturated with Him, and it felt like I had come home.

The last, but not least, of the Gods to come into my life as a romantic fixture was Susano. He definitely came at me sideways in terms of letting me know that He wanted me as His Wife. At Shamaness’ recommendation, I approached Him before making my way to Japan as a sort of formal introduction before me and my Gods entered His (and His Family’s) territory so as not to offend Anyone or find myself in a spiritually hostile situation. Before my arrival, He and I conversed quite a bit, and in that time, He and I grew closer. There wasn’t an exact moment where I realized, “Hey, I think I’m falling in love with this Guy.” However, Susano was never subtle or cunning about His feelings for me, when I realized that that was his intent. (This is when He did this.) It was an overwhelming time for me all around and having yet another God come up into my life wanting to be romantically involved with me caused me to be very caustic at first, but once again, Shamaness was there to soften me a bit as well as Susano Himself, of course. He and I married a few months after my arrival in Japan.

❤ ❤ Tl;dr: I’m a polyamorous Godspouse who’s married to four Gods from four different pantheons. It’s amazing, to be honest. that I could feel so much love in my heart while also feeling so much love directed at me in return. I’m truly blessed to have so much love in my life, and I’m so, so grateful for Each of my wonderful Beloveds. I don’t love One more than the Others, nor do I have a Favorite. I love Them all with every fiber of my being. I am Theirs. They are mine. I’m loved, and I couldn’t ask for more. ❤ ❤

Advertisements

Emotional Drainage

So, my Husbands and I had a discussion today about my feelings and where They were coming from. Despite my apprehension that my feelings couldn’t be changed just by talking it out (with humans, it rarely works), I actually felt a teeny bit better about my standing with my Gods. There was a lot of pointing out where my discernment was incorrect and correcting what needed to be corrected. In the end, regardless of the precise details of our discussion, I do feel as if things aren’t totally hopeless and that I’m going to lose the very Gods I love so dearly.

I have a two-fold fear with regards to my Marriages: 1) I fear that I am going to be enslaved to the Gods I love, which is something I know would irrevocably break my spirit, and 2) I fear that my Gods will abandon me because I’m not who They want/need me to be. I’ve been assured that this is something that would not happen, as the first is not something They want from me, and the second would not happen unless I am the one walking away. I find some measure of comfort in that I do have a choice in all this, even if I’m still feeling very overwhelmed.

Baron (the Spokes… Person? God? Husband? idek) gently reminded me as well that being Married means that I have to consider more than myself now in my decisions, which I do need reminding of. My Gods often tell me to work on myself, to take better care of myself, and I often forget, in my cocoon of safety and self-are, that this is a partnership between my Husbands and I, that this would be unacceptable even in a mortal marriage. It’s something I need to work on.

Trust is the other big thing I need to work on, “because without it, the other things (love, devotion, loyalty) don’t exists.” They’re right. They acknowledge that I try to give Them all of these things, but I always hold back my trust from Them, and it’s unacceptable and defeats the purpose of O/our Marriage. They also acknowledge that I’m trying and need to be given more time, even though it frustrates Them. My Husbands acknowledge my pain and my past wounds, which is more than A/anyone else has ever truly done for me. From here, I know I must take that leap of faith that will allow me to show Them I’m willing to start trusting Them with my well-being. They’ve laid the groundwork for me to step into Their arms, to trust Them. I just need to be brave enough to do it.

In the next year, I have two big opportunities in which I can try this, and in truth, I’m terrified. I will do my best to do the whole “Jesus take the wheel” thing Pagan style, but I fear I will fail Them and myself. I fear my own short-comings and mental/emotional damage will thwart me again. I’m going to try my best though (please, none of that “there is no try; there is only do” stuff) and hope for the best. There is nothing more I can do at this time, but take it day by day, build up the trust I need to help me for when those big decisions need to be made. Only time will tell.

Fragile

It always feels like I’m having a hard time in my life, and I’ve been so miserable for so long, that I’m not sure I would recognize contentment and happiness if I was smacked up the head with it. It seems like, to me, that I’ve been huddling in a corner, hugging myself in an attempt to keep myself protected and my broken pieces together. This is how I’ve learned to live my life, and it’s not serving me well anymore. I recognize this, but the solution is to come out of the corner and give myself to my Husbands, my Gods. Easy, right? Not for me. The very idea terrifies me beyond belief, because I have no trust in my Husbands.

I was talking to Shamaness last night about my troubles, and I finally admitted out loud that I didn’t trust my Husbands to take care of me. Ever since They pushed me into working in a warehouse, I have harbored feelings of betrayal and mistrust to a degree that, upon reflection, has only been growing since that summer nearly two years ago. I’ve used these terrible feelings to construct a wall between me and Them, to protect myself from being hurt again, isolating myself. I understand that They had their reasons for pushing me into that position (They felt I was being too hoity-toity, like I thought I was better than those who worked in a warehouse.), but looking back, there were two reasons that I was acting this way: 1) I felt like a good job was what I deserved for getting my degree, and 2) it was a defense mechanism for how I was truly feeling. The truth is, I was terrified for my sanity. The last time I worked in a warehouse, it caused me to have a panic attack that lasted a week long and forced me into therapy/into taking medication. To teach me a lesson, however, They ignored my concerns, and it turned out almost the same as before. I nearly lost what little sanity I possessed, and I’ve been recovering since.

I know what other people would say. I know that they would say that I should let go of the past and move on (“That was two years ago! Stop being a drama queen.”). I know that people would tell me  if the Gods thought it appropriate, then I must have needed it (“They must have had a reason. They’re Gods; They know us better than we know ourselves.”). However, Their actions damaged me in such a way that I’m still trying to fix (and failing horribly at doing so). I understand, rationally, that Their intentions were never to hurt me. However, every other part of me still feels the effects of the lesson. I learned exactly what They wanted me to learn: I’m better than no one, because everyone has their own function. I learned something more from this, an unintended side effect: no matter how hard I work or what credentials I have, I will never be good enough because I’m worthless and inherently not good enough. My present day issues reflect this.

My job situation is such that I am so very tempted to break my contract because my boss is… Overbearing. So, I briefly entertained the idea of breaking my contract in time for the major hiring season here in Japan (March/April), but upon reflection, it didn’t jive well with my plans for after Japan. I had planned to go to England for my Master’s degree in Education so that I could become a certified teacher, but when I talked to Shamaness and my Husbands about this, there’s been such an overwhelming amount of negativity. Each of my Husbands have a different idea for where They think I should go and what I should do (each very Self-serving), and All seem to agree that my plan isn’t what They want for me. There is a general feeling of, “Well, it was your idea to come to Japan, and look how that has turned out for you.” How I read this feeling/statement: We don’t trust you to make decisions for yourself anymore. It’s this attitude that makes me fear that They will sabotage the outcome every decision that They disagree with. Combine this with the near phobia of losing my freedom and the sentiment that I’m nothing more than a “privileged servant”, and you have a recipe for a disaster in the making.

I feel worthless, and I am so fucking scared right now. I’m supposed to trust my Husbands to have my best interests in mind, but I don’t know how to do this without opening myself up to the possibility of being broken again. My interest in preserving my Marriages has been called into question, and I can’t handle it. It makes me wonder if I have what it takes to even be a Wife, because, as They have said, love isn’t enough on its own. They’re right, of course. What is a marriage without trust? I don’t want to lose Them, and I can’t imagine my life without Them, but I don’t know if I have the strength to open myself up to Them in the way that is required of me.

I don’t know what to do. Right now, it feels as if my Husbands are taking a step back to let me breathe, but are close enough so that I still know that They are there. My mind and heart are fragile, more than usual, right now. I wish I knew what to do and how to make this better, but I don’t. I guess we’ll see how everything turns out.

(Sorry if this ended up being rambly and not making sense. It’s hard to think straight with my mind mired in emotions.)

Sometimes I am Dense

For the longest time back in 2013, I had an obsession with a song that persisted for days. I had only been in Japan for about a month or so when this song crawled inside my head and wouldn’t go away. I listened to it for hours and hours, but it wouldn’t leave my head no matter what. It took about a month before I actually understood that this song was a message to me, and that this message would be blared louder and louder until I understood what it meant.

This was the time when I was being courted by Susano, the Japanese God of the sea and summer storms, and because I am, unsurprisingly, very stubborn and not easily wooed, Susano was having a rough time of wooing me. This task of His was made especially hard with the combined issues of my depression flaring up, moving to a new country, and having to acclimate myself to a new country, culture, and job. He was patient with me the first month of my time in Japan, for obvious reasons, but as time wore on, He grew to be impatient with me when it came to me accepting Him into my heart.  That’s when this song became my obsession.

After a while, I did get it. I understood that He was asking me to let Him into my heart and to let Him love me. He was asking me if I would be brave enough to trust Him like I trusted Baron, Loki, and Poseidon. In truth, I was terrified to do so. It’s not easy to love a God, much less four of Them. So, I was hesitant to let this God into my heart like I had done with the Others. I worried that people, should they find out, would think that I was lying or that it wasn’t possible to love more than one God romantically. I thought that people would attack me for my belief, or that I was being selfish in some way, but, to be honest, it makes so much sense that this is the situation that I would find myself in. I’m a polyamorous, pansexual polytheist who happens to be a Godspouse, and while there might be people who question my beliefs, I have learned that this is my Path, and I will walk it without adhering to anyone’s judgement but my Gods’ and my Husbands’.

Long story short, it took a song to get Susano to get me to understand His position and what He wanted from me. I took a leap of faith and let Him into my heart, and I have not had a single doubt since then. I am His, and He is mine. I love Him so very much. I am glad that I was brave enough to let Him into my heart, because I feel complete now, more than ever before.

Here’s to you, Susano, for daring me to be brave.

Happy Birthday to Me!

“My dear Bagginses and Boffins, Tooks and Brandybucks, Grubbs, Chubbs, Hornblowers, Bolgers, Bracegirdles and Proudfoots. Today is my one hundred and eleventh birthday! Alas, eleventy-one years is far too short a time to live among such excellent and admirable hobbits.”

-Bilbo Baggins, “The Lord of the Rings, Fellowship of the Ring”

No, but really. Today is my 26th birthday, and I am celebrating it by spending some quality time with my Beloveds and relaxing before the start of my work week. I am very grateful for the extra day off, for it seems that my friend Canadian has given me his cold. (My immune system is weak as all get out. Seriously, I get sick all the time.) I am also grateful for the time I will get to spend with my Gods today, as this will be the first birthday I will get to spend with Them that I am not mired in the lowest parts of my depression. The past 2 years and some change since I converted from being a Mormon to being a Pagan have been incredible. Now, I have 4 Gods to Whom my heart belongs, and I have found the direction I need to go with my life. I finally have the eternal perspective that I have always craved to have.

My hope for the next year is that I continue to grow as a person, as a Pagan, and as a Wife. I hope that I will learn more about myself and the Paths that I am walking. I pray that I can be the wonderful teacher my students need me to be. I want to continue to make leaps and bounds in becoming mentally better. But, most of all, I hope that my love for my Husbands grows more and that I better understand Them.

Now, I am off to put sweet, sweet ice cream cake into my face, then take a nap. ‘Cause I can. XD

My Personal Pantheon: A Comprehensive List

Over the last two years, my practice has grown from just one Deity to many. My mind is blown every time I think about where I started to where I am now. I have no doubt that my practice will continue to grow and morph as time passes and as my Gods will, but for now, I’m comfortable with where I am. (This might be Loki’s cue to come in to shake me up and push me outside of my comfort zone. Again.) So, in honor of my recognition of my comfort and some confidence in my practice, I would like to make a list of all of the Deities in my personal pantheon, from The Big Four* to my Mothers and etc. Here is where you can find the schedule I have during the week for Them. Please enjoy!

– Baron Samedi: He is my Loa Love, my Beloved, my Husband. Baron was the second Deity to come into my life. He is the first of the Big Four. He calls me His Baronessa, hence my blog url.

– Loki: He is the third Deity to come into my life and is the second of my Husbands. The persona of His that I work with the most is the crazy aspect of Him, the aspect that represents the madness He felt once He was finally loosed from His bonds. Some may call this aspect of His as Worldbreaker. He calls me “The Bride of Madness” for this reason. Loki is the second of the Big Four.

– Poseidon: He is also another God whom I love deeply. He came into my life through my friend Shamaness. I am His in a way that I can’t really explain yet and have been since the very beginning of my lives here on Earth. He is the third of the Big Four.

– Susano: He is the Gods that has been my Caretaker since arriving in Japan, and I have come to love Him as well. I approached Him just before coming to Japan at my Husbands’ bidding. He presented me with an Enmusubi comb the first time I went to His shrine. Susano is the last of the Big Four.

– Oshun: She is the first Deity I approached when I decided to try being a Pagan.  With her guidance, I am learning self-confidence and self-love. Oshun is one of my Mothers.

– Sekhmet: She came into my life very suddenly just before I came to Japan. Since that time, I have learned that She is the Goddess that made my soul, which makes Her the Mother of my soul. I love her dearly, but She terrifies me too. We’re working on that.

– Sigyn: Not long after Loki burst into my life, I approached Sigyn to get to know Her more, the more I liked her. I now consider Her to be a very dear friend and a Sister of sorts.

– Amateratsu: She is the older Sister of Susano and is the Japanese Goddess of the Sun. While She and I may not always see eye to eye, I consider Her also to be like a Sister to me.

– Odin: He came into my life shortly after Loki came into my life, and He came in like a tidal wave. It was His presence that helped me learn of the true power and complexity of the Gods. For now, He is a Teacher to me, but somehow I feel that He will always be more than that.

– Hel: With my affinity for the dead, it only made sense to me that I should honor Hel, not only because she is Loki’s Daughter, but also as a Death Deity. She is also Someone I would equate with the term Sister.

– Narvi and Vali: I don’t worship these Two, but I do honor Their spirit and mourn Their passing. I give Them honor in what way I can, including taking Them with me to Disney World. I also have an altar for Them as well.

Alright, so I think that this is a pretty good list of the Gods and Goddesses that I regularly pay homage to. So, now it’s time for me to go party with Baron and the Ghede (since it’s Saturday, ya know?). Adios!

 

Boom baby!

* The Big Four are the four main Gods that I have devoted myself to. They receive the most attention, and I am personally bound to Them for the rest of my days.

Reverberation

It has been two months since I have moved to Japan. Two months. This time has moved both so slowly that time seemed to stop at times and so fast that I can hardly comprehend where the time has gone. My life still hardly makes sense anymore. I have been cut off from almost everything I knew before from my old life, and I have been even been cut off from my Husbands/Gods. It was almost like a rebirth for me, into the new person I am supposed to become… However, this is not exactly what has happened. The events that happened during the last few weeks of my stay in America have been reverberating through my life even now, months later.

I am almost ashamed to say that I just can’t seem to let go of the fact that my Gods, the Ones I trusted most, shackled me. It feels, still, like a betrayal of my faith and trust, even though I know that it was meant to build my trust with Them. It didn’t do this, however. Not at all. I have been through the emotional wringer about this particular set of events, even to the point that I can still feel the cuffs on my wrists and ankles. I know that this is just my mind making things up (at least I hope so), but it puts me back into that mindset. It kills me that this just won’t stay in the past, but it has seriously impacted my already very ridiculously little ability to trust and have faith. I mean this very seriously. These were things I struggled with before, for various reason, but I struggle with them more now.

My faith has gone to such lows as to think about giving up my faith completely, to worship no Gods. To ask to be released from my vows. I seriously have thought about what it would be like to try to shut off my Godphone and just live in the silence once again. My mind has wondered into that desolate place where I had been before I came to know the Gods as I know Them now. I have seriously considered what it would be like to move back into that spiritual dead space.

These thoughts shame me, which adds to my already wrecked mindset. Why could I not stick it out? Why did I fail, like everything else? Where did I go wrong? Why was I not good enough? The questions just keep going and going and going, and sometimes there is no real way to stop them. I am seriously wondering whether I was cut out to be what They want me to be, considering I am unable to move past this mental/emotional block of mine. The only thing that is saving me, I think, is the fact that I do not really want to give up on this. I want to try to overcome myself in order to be what my Gods need/want me to be, but… I don’t know how to even begin to do this, except for not giving up. For now, I think, this may be all I have the energy for.

Starting in October, my other Deities will start to be filtered back into my awareness, at Susano’s discretion. I don’t know how I feel about this. Afraid, to be sure, that I will not be able to move past our last meetings with E/each O/other. Hesitant, because I am not sure I want this (I don’t do so well with so many different Deities clamoring for my attention). Nervous, because I am shy and “adorable” like that (according to Susano) about meeting with my Husbands again (the phrase ‘like a virgin on her wedding night’ comes to mind). Anxious, because I have been enjoying the quiet that the Kami provide, and with so many Deities that ask for my attention, the contrast is going to be jarring…

So many feels!

I wish there was another person I could go to for guidance, but there is none. Being a solitary practitioner as well as being in a foreign country has done nothing to help that part out.

I just want my faith back. I want the ability to trust. I want to be unshakable in both. As to how to get there, I am not sure. All I have gotten from the Kami on the matter is to “just do it”, in short. Easier said than done, I’m afraid. If I could, this would not be a dilemma, would it? I am hoping, with all of my heart, that one day I can have both of these things, rather than the crippling self-doubt about everything. Maybe this hope is where to start?

(Forgive me for this probably ridiculously long, rambling post. When the feels dictate the words and their order, well, it doesn’t always make the most sense.)