Revelations

There have been some revelations for me recently, and I have had to sit with them for a while to get accustomed to them. Some parts are easier to sit with than others, but I’ve needed to brew over them to fully understand the implications. I’ve also debated whether or not I should even talk about them on here for fear that there might be some who don’t agree with what I say. However, since I have adopted the phrase “open and honest communication”, I think it would be best to keep that promise to myself to be as honest as I can be. Otherwise, what’s the point of sharing my story and my Path? So, without further ado, here are the revelations that I have had recently.

Revelation 1: I am Odin’s daughter.
Talk about a brick to the head this one was. I’ve mentioned before that I am the daughter of Sekhmet, but I have always known that, somewhere, I had a spiritual Father as well. I just didn’t know Who. I don’t remember exactly how this admission from Odin came about, but when He told me, I didn’t doubt what He said for a second. It rang so true to me that I think I surprised all of my Gods with how easily I took the information and didn’t question it like I normally do… Well, I had one question: Odin and Sekhmet? I still haven’t figured that one out. I feared telling anyone what I had discovered because I feared people would disbelieve me, UPG police me, mock me, or, worst of all, tell me that I was crazy and making things up. I am proud to be a daughter of Odin, just as I am proud to be a daughter of Sekhmet, and I am beyond happy that I can “keep” Odin in my life, so to speak. ūüôā

Revelation 2: I now run with the Wild Hunt.
Before I knew I was Odin’s daughter, I had begun to see signs of other spirits coming into my life. At first it was subtle, but it soon progressed to pure terror. I would see¬†things¬†moving in the shadows; I had an unholy terror of the dark that I had never had before; and I felt, more than ever before, that I was being watched. I lived in terror of the night and the dark for weeks, to the point where I would not go out after dark for any reason. This terror triggered the very intense fight or flight instinct in me, but I also felt that I could never outrun the darkness, and the darkness felt so large and all-consuming that I was stuck in fear. Yet, the dark didn’t attack me or move towards me. Instead, it asked me to join it, to run with it. To ride with it. I decided to ask for Help, and I was Told to go to Odin. It didn’t take long for me to connect the dots that the Wild Hunt was asking me, as the daughter of Odin AND the Khaleesi of the Ghede, to join the Hunt. After pushing aside my utter terror, I realized that the things I was seeing and the spirits that were around me were merely curious about me, as this was the first time I had been acknowledged by Odin. Knowing that the Hunt meant me no harm, I accepted the invitation to join the Wild Hunt, and from now until who knows when, the Ghede and I shall ride alongside the Hunt.

Revelation 3: Who I am bodily is the same as who I am spiritually.
This may seem like a no-brainer to most anyone else, but because I struggle with body image issues and a depression that makes me not like myself on the best of days, I have always operated under the assumption that my soul, my spirit, is very different from who I am bodily (including my personality). So, learning and having to sit with the fact that the only real difference between the two is the effect of my brain chemistry on my body, has been difficult at best. In fact, it makes me feel a lot worse in many respects because I always held out the hope that when I moved to my “life” as a Goddess, that I would somehow be more, better than I am now. Yes, in many ways I will be more and better, being a Goddess will do that, but I will still be me, and it depresses me. I dislike myself that much. I struggle with this, even with the constant reassurances from my Husbands and the other Deities in my life that I am loved just as I am. This will probably be something that I work on for the rest of my life and a daily struggle. So, it may be much longer for this one to sit comfortably with me, if it ever gets that far.

Revelation 4: Baron Kriminel is another face of Baron Samedi.
I had read in some places during my initial research of Baron/the Loa that some believe that all of the Barons were actually just different faces of the same Being. I hadn’t really believed that until recently. In fact, I have pretty much made it my business to avoid Baron Kriminel at all costs because He scares the living crap out of me. His initial impression on me was less than favourable, so to hear Him tell me that He loves me and that my Marriage vows to Baron Samedi apply to him and all of the other Barons as well… I actually wasn’t surprised so much as confused. I mean, considering my previous encounters with Kriminel, I never thought he was capable of liking someone, let alone loving someone. He tells me, though, that He never wished to hide what He is from me and that I needed to know what He and all of the other Deities are capable of: the good and the bad. I have been incredibly lucky that my experiences with spirits and Deities have mostly been good. With Kriminel, though, not so much, and I accept that. His face serves a purpose (to deliver justice to those who have wronged others). Even though He has been abrasive at best with me, thus far, I also accept that His role in my life serves a purpose, too. I am not ready to discuss this purpose yet, but I accept Him as He is, and He accepts me as I am as well. I can’t say this will be a smooth sailing kind of relationship, but I hope, in the end, all works out well.

These are the four revelations I have had in recent weeks, and as I am coming into myself more and more, taking on more responsibility as a daughter of Gods and as a Khaleesi to a great band of spirits, I feel myself growing in personal power. I can feel it unfurling within me. It’s a heady feeling, and I am fairly sure that this is just the beginning of something huge that is going to happen in my life, but we’ll see.

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My Personal Pantheon: A Comprehensive List

Over the last two years, my practice has grown from just one Deity to many. My mind is blown every time I think about where I started to where I am now. I have no doubt that my practice will continue to grow and morph as time passes and as my Gods will, but for now, I’m comfortable with where I am. (This might be Loki’s cue to come in to shake me up and push me outside of my comfort zone. Again.) So, in honor of my recognition of my comfort and some confidence in my practice, I would like to make a list of all of the Deities in my personal pantheon, from The Big Four* to my Mothers and etc. Here¬†is where you can find the schedule I have during the week for Them.¬†Please enjoy!

РBaron Samedi: He is my Loa Love, my Beloved, my Husband. Baron was the second Deity to come into my life. He is the first of the Big Four. He calls me His Baronessa, hence my blog url.

– Loki: He is the third Deity to come into my life and is the second of my Husbands. The persona of His that I work with the most is the crazy aspect of Him, the aspect that represents the madness He felt once He was finally loosed from His bonds. Some may call this aspect of His as Worldbreaker. He calls me “The Bride of Madness” for this reason. Loki is the second of the Big Four.

– Poseidon: He is also another God whom I love deeply. He came into my life through my friend Shamaness. I am His in a way that I can’t really explain yet and have been since the very beginning of my lives here on Earth. He is the third of the Big Four.

– Susano: He is the Gods that has been my Caretaker since arriving in Japan, and I have come to love Him as well. I approached Him just before coming to Japan at my Husbands’ bidding. He presented me with an Enmusubi comb the first time I went to His shrine. Susano is the last of the Big Four.

РOshun: She is the first Deity I approached when I decided to try being a Pagan.  With her guidance, I am learning self-confidence and self-love. Oshun is one of my Mothers.

– Sekhmet: She came into my life very suddenly just before I came to Japan. Since that time, I have learned that She is the Goddess that made my soul, which makes Her the Mother of my soul. I love her dearly, but She terrifies me too. We’re working on that.

– Sigyn: Not long after Loki burst into my life, I approached Sigyn to get to know Her more, the more I liked her. I now consider Her to be a very dear friend and a Sister of sorts.

– Amateratsu: She is the older Sister of Susano and is the Japanese Goddess of the Sun. While She and I may not always see eye to eye, I consider Her also to be like a Sister to me.

– Odin: He came into my life shortly after Loki came into my life, and He came in like a tidal wave. It was His presence that helped me learn of the true power and complexity of the Gods. For now, He is a Teacher to me, but somehow I feel that He will always be more than that.

– Hel: With my affinity for the dead, it only made sense to me that I should honor Hel, not only because she is Loki’s Daughter, but also as a Death Deity. She is also Someone I would equate with the term Sister.

– Narvi and Vali: I don’t worship these Two, but I do honor Their spirit and mourn Their passing. I give Them honor in what way I can, including taking Them with me to Disney World. I also have an altar for Them as well.

Alright, so I think that this is a pretty good list of the Gods and Goddesses that I regularly pay homage to. So, now it’s time for me to go party with Baron and the Ghede (since it’s Saturday, ya know?). Adios!

 

Boom baby!

* The Big Four are the four main Gods that I have devoted myself to. They receive the most attention, and I am personally bound to Them for the rest of my days.

Coming to Terms

Since Sekhmet has come into my life, well, I have yet to understand Her and Her reasoning for dealings with me. I have had a difficult time warming to Her, especially since Her “tough love” approach of parenting triggers the flight response in me something fierce. Despite my responses and my inability to cope with Her approach, She has remained a steadfast and consistent with me, the way I imagine a parent should be. Under Her influence, I have no doubt that I would be a stronger, more confident woman than I am today. But, in a lot of ways, I am but an ungrateful child, mostly unable to recognize the amazing gifts and blessings that this particular Goddess has given me because my learned reflex to run or cower from A/anyone who is exerting power over me (for in the past this power was abused).

In a lot of ways, I can see how I would have been an exemplary daughter of Sekhmet. I can see within myself the decaying remains of parts of my personality that (I think) would have pleased Her and that she would have cultivated within me. However, these parts of me died long ago when my own mortal parents either failed to encourage these parts of me to grow or intentionally squashed them to keep me quiet, docile, and out of the way. Until now, the person they molded me into was what helped me survive in the world that I had known. But as I am quickly finding that this person I am is not conducive to living successfully, I just look at the pieces of myself that still lay dormant, dead within me, and mourn the fact that who I could have become would have survived better in the world than the person I was made into. Everything about me, almost, is a productive of trying to survive in the world I knew. That world is gone now though, and I am just now realizing that, as I am, I cannot thrive in this new world.

I think, sometimes, that Sekhmet is trying to resurrect these long dead parts of me that are Her legacy, the pieces of me that proclaim me to be Hers. To do so, she has to help reshape me, remold me into the person I was meant to become. I have not been taking well to this process at all. I can see Her hand in many of the things that have occurred in the the last 11 months. (Loki also has been a huge instigator of change, and I have no doubt at all that both He and Sekhmet have working together to start me down the path They want me to be on.) But, I am not good at change, and it has not been easy for me to loosen up enough to allow the necessary changes happen. Sekhmet is Sekhmet, though, and steadfast in Her determination. Unlike E/everyone else in my life, She is one of the few capable of making a promise and keeping it, even if it not a good promise to keep (refer back to being shackled).  I am not sure how successful She has been in bringing the charred remains of the daughter I should have been, but I am starting to want Her to succeed in Her endeavors there.

Honestly, when it comes to Sekhmet, I am a bad daughter. This is not just because I don’t really know how to be a good one, but also because in order to be the good daughter She wants me to be, I have to conform to Her standard for me, to change. ¬†If I am completely honest with myself, I have warring feelings about wanting to please Her. On the one hand, the little girl inside me truly wishes to make my Mother proud of me, happy with me, but on the other, I have no wish to conform to A/anyone’s rules but my own, despite know that, as of this moment, I need S/someone else to make those rules for me, because I don’t have any for myself. This, and I don’t want Anyone else to have more power over me than I already have (refer back to my shackling).

I know in my heart I need to come to terms with Sekhmet, the overbearing, huge Power that She is. I need to some to terms with the fact that She is not going away anytime soon, and I need to just deal with it. I hope eventually I learn to like who She is, even love Her as the Mother She is supposed to be to me. Until the day that happens, though, I am going to have to keep being pulled along by Her side like a small child until I get used to Her. It’s not as if I do this on purpose, be difficult, but as I have demonstrated many times, I am not able to smoothly trust and like Someone I have just come into contact with. I wish it wasn’t this way, but this is how it is right now. Perhaps Sekhmet will help change that in me.

I can only hope.

Of Shackles and Cages

Dominion over me has passed from Baron to Loki, and little by little, I begrudgingly admit that I’m coming to trust Loki. Baron didn’t have the same length of time with me as Loki is to have and has had, so Baron will apparently be taking some time after I get to Japan to help me settle and to ensure an easier transition, as well as get me to trust Him as I’ve started to do with Loki. They have mentioned that having something (aka Someone) familiar with me will help ease me into my new life more easily instead of just plucking me from this life and hoping for the best. They seem to trust that Susano will take good care of me while I am in His domain, so I need to learn to trust Him and Their judgment of Him.

Next week will be more difficult for me when I will be passed to Poseidon for safe keeping, because of my own mortal hang-ups about fights and what not. I’ve spoken to Him once since that fight, which helped reduce some of the friction, but I’m still apprehensive. I don’t do well with this kind of thing, so I suppose it is a good thing that He is pretty good with all of this. He, in His own way and fashion, does in fact care about me, and I am going to have a rough time of acclimating myself to Him in a role that is more than just my girlfriend’s patron.

As for Sekhmet, well, She’s not on A/anyone’s favorites list with some of Her recent behavior. Her meddling has interfered with some of the plans my Husbands and Susano had planned out. I understand Her reasoning, but this does not endear Her to me at all. I’m just hoping They/She doesn’t decide to keep me shackled for a week longer so that I may be forced to learn to trust Her. I don’t think this will be the case, but I cannot be certain.

In short, “We will stop at nothing to ensure that you become the best person/Wife you can be” is a lesson I am learning very quickly. They’ve shown me this time and time again, but I’m seeing it very clearly now. I’m resigned to the fact that I have no choice in this and have very little fight left in me to try to free myself. There is still deep twinges of resentment and guilt and shame (the first for Them and the last two for me) every now and again, but I can’t do anything about it now. It’s just easier to do as I’m told. They’ve broken me, and They are going to have to put me back together once They have all the pieces They need to reassemble me into the person They wish me to be. We’ll see how these next few weeks go. World-Breaker is running rampant through my life, and He’s not yet done with me. It’s not all torture, and I am being rewarded for cooperation, so it’s not bad, but I think that is the point. All in all, it’s really is only difficult because I am making it be so. I’m not so good at shackles and cages.

Bumpy Roads

Since the epic sit-down and proceeding meltdown, it’s been very rough. It was decided on my Gods’ part that Baron shall have authority over my this week; Loki shall be next week (this’ll be fun); and Poseidon will be my final week before I leave. From there, I will be handed over to Susano for safekeeping for the most part while I am in Japan. They decided this because They didn’t want to have too many Deities trying to press me to do things all at once, all but ensuring that I disobey all of Them from sheer confusion and getting overwhelmed. I also learned that Sekhmet was the One who spearheaded this “take over Gisele’s life” initiative, which has made me even more wary of Her influence on/in my life. ¬†Despite learning of Their plans to make everything easier on me (both in terms of only having one Deity to listen to at a time and to make these last few weeks go easier for me), I have not taken this lack of autonomy well.

The first day, after a phone call to Shamaness when I woke up, I spent the entire day angry and practically screaming at Baron for doing this to me. I used every tactic in the book that I knew how to use to try to get Him to change His mind, to no avail. The truth is that I was very hurt still by Their words about me not being committed to my marriages as well as frightened out of my mind that They would abuse this power over me like I’ve always known authority figures to do so (mortal ones, at least). Yet, despite my overtly angry words and trying to push Him away, Baron remained constantly gentle and reassuring. He reminded me over and over again that I was loved even when I tried to push Him away from me. Eventually, I stopped being angry and became resigned to the fact that my choices were gone, and I have since tried to ignore the fact that I’m being led by the hand like a small child and rewarded for every task I do when I was asked to do it. Baron isn’t letting me ignore it, not really, because I need to undergo this “trial” mindfully, and I have no doubt that this weekend, I will get yet another sit-down.

It’s been a very bumpy road these past few days, but I’ve done as They’ve asked me to do, if only because I would rather have this gentleness from my Husbands than being forced along, fighting every step. It’s not an easy thing to do for me, and what little pride I have is bruised all to hell, but I’m doing it. They’ve yet to cause me harm to anything but my ego, so until They do so (which is unlikely), I will just go along with it.

I still don’t understand, though, why this was necessary. “Let’s show her that she can trust Us by forcing her to do stuff” doesn’t make much sense to me. I understand that They are having me do things I needed to do anyways in a more timely manner than I have been able to get myself to do all summer, but still. I guess after all this time I should know that pride/ego has no place within me. Maybe I will also learn after all this to get the full terms and conditions spelled out for me BEFORE I enter into any more agreements with the Gods, but knowing Them, it was always end with a “for now” clause to change our terms as They see fit.

I’m not looking forward to Loki’s dominion over me next week, but at least I know that Poseidon might be pleasant to have guide me (although, this may not be the case after getting into an argument with Him hours before the sit-down)… Alright, so I’m dreading these next two weeks. I’m just going to be straightforward and completely honest about this. I’m short-circuiting about everything, and I’m not really calm at all. So, I think my Deities have Their work cut out for Then, and I’m not proud of that. I feel like a nuisance and a bother and a million other things. Confidence = gone.

So, now that my calm bubble has popped, I’m going to curl back up under my covers. I tried fight, so now it’s time to try flight. It’s probably going to be futile, but it’s worth a shot, yes?

Laying Down the Law

I’ve been balking. I’ve been resistant. I’ve even been downright rebellious. However, as of today, that has come to an end.

I don’t trust easily. It’s just not natural for me after years of abuse and neglect at my family’s hands. From this, I’ve learned that the only one that I can truly rely on is myself to get my needs met. Theoretically, the exception to this rule should be that I should trust the Gods with my welfare, but with the neglect of the Christian god because I was already claimed by Another, I have not been able to make that exception a reality. It’s a very huge flaw of mine that They (my pantheon of Deities) have been very insistent on poking and prodding and making sure I’m VERY aware of it. Last night, though, was the pinnacle of this forced awareness, and it has left me reeling and hurt.

I’ve been fighting against losing any of my control over my life even as I’ve watched it slip from my fingers, and the more that I lose, the more caged I feel. Losing my freedom has been to much for me to handle, but the more I see my life spin out of my control and into Their control, the harder I fight Them. But, They’ve caged me, and They saw fit to talk to me about it last night through Shamaness. Neither of us had a choice in the matter as They took over our conversation without prior notice at all, to either of us. It showed me how truly powerless we are when it comes to Their Will, that They just humor us mortals when we try to use our own free will. If the outcome of this was to cow me and break me, well, They have but one more little push before They break my spirit entirely.

They questioned my commitment to my Marriages, a low blow considering I’m still not totally confident as a Wife, but a blow They dealt regardless. They told me that being Married was to give up control over my life to my Husbands, that I could flex my free will only within the confines that are placed upon me, and it was said that if I was truly committed to sharing my life with Them, I would give myself over to Them for safekeeping willingly, having not done so means I’ve not truly committed myself to my Marriages. I’ve been holding parts of myself back and keeping those parts to myself, and this has apparently put me in contempt of my vows as Their Wife. When I was told this, it was as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest and squeezed by the hands of the Gods. This was not something I was aware of (neither the relinquishing of my freedom to my Husbands nor the fact that I been keeping myself from Them), so to be told this at this time and for this reason was agonizing. I honestly would rather have been brutally beaten physically by Them than have had to endure these feelings.

All in all, it came down to this: either I relinquish the control over my life willingly or it will be taken from me. So, starting today, I will be, without question, doing exactly as I am told when I am told to do it. This really meant from that moment because right afterwards I was ordered to bed like a small child (“No, We don’t care that you are not tired.”). Shamaness told me that she felt an outpouring of love for me throughout this conversation, but I felt none of this. I still feel cold and numb, and when I mentioned this, They replied, “You are anxious and depressed. Let Us shoulder this burden for you.” The problem is that I just don’t know how to let A/anyone do this for me, and if I do, which was Their assertion, then I am not sure how to consciously do it.

My performance since that tense conversation with Sekhmet has apparently been lackluster since She is going to micromanage my life for me, just as She said She would. I guess I must seriously be bad at a) living my own life and b) being obedient for this to happen. “I hurt you for your own good” indeed. I’m being assured that this isn’t truly a punishment, but it really does feel like it, especially when it’s phrased “This is to show you that We do follow through with what We say We’ll do.”

Eep.

Leap of Faith?

There is only 3 weeks left until I leave for Japan, and I can feel my anxiety ratcheting up exponentially each day. There is so much left to do before I leave (and never look back). My emotions are all over the place, leaving me feeling fragile and insecure. Saying “overwhelmed” is what I’m feeling doesn’t quite feel right; it’s not strong enough of a word, I don’t think. In any case, I am suffering the consequences of these emotions to the Nth degree, what with migraines and nightmares plaguing me. So, as any “Gods-fearing” person would do, I have tried to seek solace in the arms of my Husbands and Deities. However, my lovely Loki has issued a request (more like an ultimatum) that has upped the stakes: quit your job by Friday, or I will have you fired.

Loki, being the known Troll that He is, does not usually throw these things at me so straightforward because I tend to balk and panic at anything I don’t have time to adjust to on my terms and pace. So, I was thinking that this was also a troll on His part just to see me flail for a moment, but one rune reading and one additional tarot reading ¬†later, I’m stuck with the knowledge that I have no choice (not really) but to do what He says. This means that there is going to be one less paycheck for me to take with me to Japan, which could mean I don’t have enough to live on, aka eat, when I get there. All in all, all this really means is that the emotional state I have been in has been worsened, especially due to the building migraine I have currently.

I’ve pretty much always been poor throughout the entirety of my life. I have watched as my mother went without food to ensure that my sister and I ate. I have lived in cheap rented apartments, house, trailer, etc, one after the other. I’ve gone without and also had to live on the generosity of other people. All this means is there are two outcomes from this sort of living: 1) I’m *always* anxious about money, and 2) I can live without some necessities, as I have done in the past, but due to #1, it makes it harder for me to do so. This is especially true since I’ve been involved in Shamaness’ life, whose family lives in excess most of the time. (Sorta side story/example: the first time her family took me out to dinner, they took me to a fancy Indian restaurant, where none of the entrees were under like $15. I almost couldn’t order because I had never spent that much money on a meal before. They just looked at me funny because Shamaness pretty much had to order for me.) I’m more self-conscious about it now because of this, and I honestly wish I could even have just a fraction of what they have, just so I could live comfortably and have some things I want, instead of having to be on food stamps and have to ask my girlfriend to buy me work pants and some shorts because I didn’t have the money at the time. Times are hard, I know, but what people define now as a “hard time” has been my life.

With this in consideration, should I take this leap of faith? Should I trust that His Trollness will provide for me now, when I need it most? It’s almost too much for me to comprehend, Someone providing for me in this way, and I’m not sure how or if I can handle much more of this uncertainty. I suppose I have no choice but to do as He has commanded, which makes everything worse. I hate being backed into a corner like this. It brings up the whole other of how much autonomy I really have and that I don’t feel like I have much anymore, but this is not a topic for today. I guess now is the time to figure out whether I truly trust my Husband or not. We’ll see, I guess.