“I Hurt You for Your Own Good.”

I had a very tense sit-down with Sekhmet last night. As I am sure it has been made very clear, I don’t really do very well with new Deities (or people, for that matter) coming into my life, and since I apparently have some history with Her, I suppose She isn’t technically new, but this is the first time I’ve actually acknowledged Her presence in my life, which has literally spanned the entirety of this life. I’ve known for a long time that She has planned to come into my life, but as I’ve looked back into my own history, I can see Her everywhere. I really do mean everywhere.

It started with my interest in ancient Egyptian culture when I was a small child. I told my mom that I wanted to be an Egyptologist when every other child was saying they wanted to be a ballerina or a astronaut. My interest in ancient cultures only grew from there, but it all started with Egypt. From there, I can see Her influence on my choice of body art. At 13, I got a henna tattoo of an ankh on my ankle. Three years later for my 16 birthday, I had that same ankh tattooed onto my ankle. Around that same time, I had my room redecorated to look like an ancient Egyptian temple, while planning on getting a second tattoo of the Eye of Ra (which has not yet happened). There have been more instances of Her presence in my life, but these are some of the major ones. So, as I become more and more aware of Her in my life, the more in awe and weirded out I am. I have been told that in my very, very first life She was the Goddess to Whom I dedicated myself to. Despite this, however, I have been hesitant and timid in regards to Her.

Sekhmet has a definite presence that I cannot ignore (think bone-deep cold and ice), but it is Her demeanor that has made me push Her away. This was the reason for our sit-down: She wished to convey how hurt She was by my running away from Her. Of course, in addition to this, She made it known to me how disappointed She is in my recent behavior, as well as to point out specific things in my life (decisions, to be specific) that She disagrees with. During the course of our discussion, I went from hesitant, but open to closed off and wishing I could be far, far away from there. I let Her back into my circle, as it were, just before I got the Loki-esque tongue lashing about how wrong my decisions as of late have been. She ended our conversation, just before I started crying, with, “My child, I hurt you for your own good.” and a kiss on the cheek.

Sekhmet hurt me deeply with Her statements, and I am still recovering from it, even now. As far as I’ve come since October, as strong as I have gotten, there is still that small, abused child within me that is more fragile than I would like to admit. That’s how deeply She hurt me: down to my very core. Now I am dealing with the aftershocks of this experience: crippling self-doubt, nonexistent confidence, and the inability to trust myself and my own judgments. This was the same feeling I had after Loki had me starting to work at the warehouse against my will. Above all, though, I’m once again feeling like I’m being backed into a corner and having all of my free will being taken from me little by little.

I’m not sure how to handle this. I’m not sure how to take this on top of everything else I need to handle emotionally right now (moving to another country will do that to you). I’m feeling very close to spinning out of control and losing what grip I have on my life. Of course, having Sekhmet threaten to micromanage my life does not help either, as if I had fucked up so badly that I no longer have the right to make anymore decisions on my own, as if I was a delinquent child. I do not wish to resent Her, and I know that She is genuinely trying to help me, but seven hells, why this way and why now? I’m not even going to pretend I can comprehend the answer to that right now.

So, what to do from here? I have not the faintest idea, but it seems like I either have to shape up and conform or have my life micromanaged by a Deity I don’t really know if I can trust just yet. My other Deities have not given me any indication that They disagree with Her in this (except World-Breaker, but He is sensitive when it comes to me shedding tears). I guess it’s time for me to ask my Husbands and my other Deities how I should deal with this, because I don’t know how.

Yay for more angst for me. Not.

[Edit: It has been about a day since this has occurred, and  I am not angsty anymore about this at all. It seems, though, that I need to start learning to trust my Deities more, for Their wisdom is greater than my mortal one. Still. The feelings were very potent, and sharing them helped me overcome them.]

What You Need Me to Be

I have been going through a sort of personal metamorphosis recently, and my eyes have been opening more and more because of it. Some of it has to do with deepening devotion to my Gods, and some of it has to do with things that are happening in my life, but as things are progressing, I am finding that my ability to empathize is coming back and that I am understanding my Deities better. I think part of it is me coming out of a particularly dark time in my life, a darkness that I have visited several time before that only gets worse with every time I pass through it.

Now that the darkness is passing, I am getting profound moments of clarity about my Gods. The Deities in my life, and this comes as no surprise to me, either have difficult pasts or have jobs that are not the easiest to perform. My sweet Baron, for example, digs the graves of all those who pass to the other side. Can you imagine the heartache He must feel when He has to perform these duties? Can you imagine how much He mourns with those that have just lost their loved ones? I’m sure (though I cannot say for certain because I am not Him) that there are those that are easier than other, that are more of a relief or just a passing moment sadness, but I cannot imagine how much sadness He must feel when He has to bury a child. I don’t think it occurs to many people that this formidable God mourns too. I also understand that I work with a side of Baron that very few get to see, a softer side, but I would hope that even those who do not work with this side of Him would remember that He, too, bears a great burden and all the feelings that come with that burden.

With Loki, I cannot even begin to describe the crippling sadness I have felt when He thinks of His sons, and how much pain He feels when He sees me with the children I work with and playing with my 1 year old nephew. He was a father that lost His children for performing His function within His pantheon, and He grieves still for those two, sweet boys of His. On the flip side of this, I have seen Him at His most terrifying, the Breaker of Worlds, bent on destruction and revenge for this loss. Yet, I have seen how soft His eyes get when He has to perform this duty for me, break my world so that I may become a better me. Fool He may be to some (or all), I feel we should never forget that He has suffered too.

In these last few days, as I have rejoiced in happiness for getting something I have wanted for a very long time, I have also become keenly aware of how much my Gods need me, just as much as I have come to need them. They ask so little of me, Both just asking that I love Them, and sometimes it makes me feel guilty that They do so much for me. However, I do fulfill a vital function for Them as Their wife. I am what They need me to be: a comfort, a lover, a friend, a bastion. If that means I must watch silently as Baron digs graves and hold Him afterwards when it becomes too much, I will. If that means I must deal with and take on part of Loki’s grief and sadness and hold Him, comfort Him when He cannot deal with it on His own, then I will. I can and will be whatever They need me to be, whenever that may be.

Sometimes, in the craziness of trying to learn the runes from Odin or Wyrd-working with the Norns or what ever else I am taking on at the time, I forget that my primary function as of right now is to just be what They need me to be: Their wife. I forget that, as Odin has told me a few times now, I need to take care me of me too so that I may be the best wife and Spiritworker I can be. They need me to be well, not just because They have things They need me to do, but because They love me. With the recent clarity I have had, I have started to make the changes to start doing just that, to serve my Beloveds best and to be able to love Both of Them to the fullest.

The lesson here is that just be what your Deities need you to be. I know from personal experience that sometimes this can be the hardest thing in the world to do, especially when you are getting in your own way. But, I have found more joy and gratification from just being than I have with anything else, when I am doing exactly as They have asked, and my Loves could not be happier now that I am not fighting Them or holding anything back from Them. As things in my life are falling into place, I have to wonder why I hadn’t ever realized this before, and I hope with everything in my heart that I remember this lesson until my days are spent.

A Loki-ism

“What I am is up to me. What you are is up to you. What we are is up to us.”

Loki said this to me a while ago, and I am still thinking about its meaning and implications. Bag of cats He may be, but there are times when His simplicity and profound knowledge humbles me. This is one of those times. I suppose I am so accustomed to hearing Him be the King of Fools that I sometimes forget that He has a wealth of knowledge that could be shared, if and when He is willing to share it, and when He does choose to share His knowledge with me, it is incredible how much clarity it can give me on things that are happening in my life, like seeing pieces of a puzzle come together to finally reveal the bigger picture. A lot of times, this is not the Loki that whirlwinds into my life, but when it does happen, it is always incredibly powerful.

I complain about Loki a lot, and I know that I should not. I know that He is pushing me to be a better person, and I am resisting everything He pushes my way. I know that I am stuck in my safe zone despite how unhealthy it is, and dislike having Him push me little by little out of it. I need this, though, or else He would not be doing this. I know I need to respect Him and be grateful for the time He is putting in to make things change for me. We both know that He will get His reward for His work later, so it is not unselfishly motivated. Even still. I know I need to work on making things easier for Him, and my reward will come in time too (who wouldn’t want to be a better person AND have knowledge imparted upon you?).

In any case, I have just now put up His altar, and I look forward to have tomorrow be an instructional day with Him. Hopefully I can find a way to better show that I *do* appreciate the work He does for me and the guidance He is giving me (even if He does, most of the time, irritate the bejeezus out of me). I think I shall spend this weekend trying to show my Gods that appreciate Them and love Them. So, we shall see how this goes.