Reverberation

It has been two months since I have moved to Japan. Two months. This time has moved both so slowly that time seemed to stop at times and so fast that I can hardly comprehend where the time has gone. My life still hardly makes sense anymore. I have been cut off from almost everything I knew before from my old life, and I have been even been cut off from my Husbands/Gods. It was almost like a rebirth for me, into the new person I am supposed to become… However, this is not exactly what has happened. The events that happened during the last few weeks of my stay in America have been reverberating through my life even now, months later.

I am almost ashamed to say that I just can’t seem to let go of the fact that my Gods, the Ones I trusted most, shackled me. It feels, still, like a betrayal of my faith and trust, even though I know that it was meant to build my trust with Them. It didn’t do this, however. Not at all. I have been through the emotional wringer about this particular set of events, even to the point that I can still feel the cuffs on my wrists and ankles. I know that this is just my mind making things up (at least I hope so), but it puts me back into that mindset. It kills me that this just won’t stay in the past, but it has seriously impacted my already very ridiculously little ability to trust and have faith. I mean this very seriously. These were things I struggled with before, for various reason, but I struggle with them more now.

My faith has gone to such lows as to think about giving up my faith completely, to worship no Gods. To ask to be released from my vows. I seriously have thought about what it would be like to try to shut off my Godphone and just live in the silence once again. My mind has wondered into that desolate place where I had been before I came to know the Gods as I know Them now. I have seriously considered what it would be like to move back into that spiritual dead space.

These thoughts shame me, which adds to my already wrecked mindset. Why could I not stick it out? Why did I fail, like everything else? Where did I go wrong? Why was I not good enough? The questions just keep going and going and going, and sometimes there is no real way to stop them. I am seriously wondering whether I was cut out to be what They want me to be, considering I am unable to move past this mental/emotional block of mine. The only thing that is saving me, I think, is the fact that I do not really want to give up on this. I want to try to overcome myself in order to be what my Gods need/want me to be, but… I don’t know how to even begin to do this, except for not giving up. For now, I think, this may be all I have the energy for.

Starting in October, my other Deities will start to be filtered back into my awareness, at Susano’s discretion. I don’t know how I feel about this. Afraid, to be sure, that I will not be able to move past our last meetings with E/each O/other. Hesitant, because I am not sure I want this (I don’t do so well with so many different Deities clamoring for my attention). Nervous, because I am shy and “adorable” like that (according to Susano) about meeting with my Husbands again (the phrase ‘like a virgin on her wedding night’ comes to mind). Anxious, because I have been enjoying the quiet that the Kami provide, and with so many Deities that ask for my attention, the contrast is going to be jarring…

So many feels!

I wish there was another person I could go to for guidance, but there is none. Being a solitary practitioner as well as being in a foreign country has done nothing to help that part out.

I just want my faith back. I want the ability to trust. I want to be unshakable in both. As to how to get there, I am not sure. All I have gotten from the Kami on the matter is to “just do it”, in short. Easier said than done, I’m afraid. If I could, this would not be a dilemma, would it? I am hoping, with all of my heart, that one day I can have both of these things, rather than the crippling self-doubt about everything. Maybe this hope is where to start?

(Forgive me for this probably ridiculously long, rambling post. When the feels dictate the words and their order, well, it doesn’t always make the most sense.)

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Of Shackles and Cages

Dominion over me has passed from Baron to Loki, and little by little, I begrudgingly admit that I’m coming to trust Loki. Baron didn’t have the same length of time with me as Loki is to have and has had, so Baron will apparently be taking some time after I get to Japan to help me settle and to ensure an easier transition, as well as get me to trust Him as I’ve started to do with Loki. They have mentioned that having something (aka Someone) familiar with me will help ease me into my new life more easily instead of just plucking me from this life and hoping for the best. They seem to trust that Susano will take good care of me while I am in His domain, so I need to learn to trust Him and Their judgment of Him.

Next week will be more difficult for me when I will be passed to Poseidon for safe keeping, because of my own mortal hang-ups about fights and what not. I’ve spoken to Him once since that fight, which helped reduce some of the friction, but I’m still apprehensive. I don’t do well with this kind of thing, so I suppose it is a good thing that He is pretty good with all of this. He, in His own way and fashion, does in fact care about me, and I am going to have a rough time of acclimating myself to Him in a role that is more than just my girlfriend’s patron.

As for Sekhmet, well, She’s not on A/anyone’s favorites list with some of Her recent behavior. Her meddling has interfered with some of the plans my Husbands and Susano had planned out. I understand Her reasoning, but this does not endear Her to me at all. I’m just hoping They/She doesn’t decide to keep me shackled for a week longer so that I may be forced to learn to trust Her. I don’t think this will be the case, but I cannot be certain.

In short, “We will stop at nothing to ensure that you become the best person/Wife you can be” is a lesson I am learning very quickly. They’ve shown me this time and time again, but I’m seeing it very clearly now. I’m resigned to the fact that I have no choice in this and have very little fight left in me to try to free myself. There is still deep twinges of resentment and guilt and shame (the first for Them and the last two for me) every now and again, but I can’t do anything about it now. It’s just easier to do as I’m told. They’ve broken me, and They are going to have to put me back together once They have all the pieces They need to reassemble me into the person They wish me to be. We’ll see how these next few weeks go. World-Breaker is running rampant through my life, and He’s not yet done with me. It’s not all torture, and I am being rewarded for cooperation, so it’s not bad, but I think that is the point. All in all, it’s really is only difficult because I am making it be so. I’m not so good at shackles and cages.

The Only Sure Thing

As it is to be expected of one who is involved with Lord Flaminess Himself, I have been dealing with a lot of changes lately. I can literally feel ties and bonds being cut away, especially the closer I get to moving out of the country. On the one hand, it’s kind of scary; I mean, everything that I have ever known is being sheared away. That is pretty terrifying. On the other hand, it’s really sad. There are things that are being severed that I didn’t know was going to be severed. Apparently, once I step on that airplane to go to Japan, I will only have one tie left to this country: Shamaness. I didn’t know that everything was going to be sacrificed. I didn’t know that I was pretty much going to orphan myself. I knew that there was a lot of things that I was going to have to leave behind, but I didn’t know it was going to be all the things. This was really driven home to me last weekend when I saw a friend that I hadn’t seen in over two years.

This friend of mine was one of the people (her sister included) that brought me into the fold of the Christian church I belonged to before I converted to being Pagan, and while I knew things would be different now that I am no longer a member, I didn’t realize how much of a difference I would feel while I was in their childhood home with them and their family. That home was, during my formative years, my safe haven from the not so ideal home life I had. This time around, being there made me feel like an intruder. While I was very glad to see my friend after such a long time, I was also very aware that this person, one that I would have called my best friend in years past, was no longer someone I could name as my best friend, not because of anything she had done, but because I have gone through some monumental changes recently.

One of the things that I don’t really talk about here, or in any other venue really, is my sexuality. I don’t feel it necessary to tell the whole world about it, and it’s not something I need to “work through”, so to speak. I also don’t feel like I want to be known for it only, or take on the rainbow mantle of the LGBTQ community just because I am not heterosexual. Being bisexual is what it is to me, and I’m alright with who I am. (I’m not putting anyone down when I say this; I’m just not the activist type, and drama of any kind terrifies me.) My friend knew that I am bisexual, but I wasn’t aware that I hadn’t told her husband about it or the fact that I am currently dating a woman, so when her husband asked me if I was leaving a relationship behind when I left for Japan and how long I had been in a relationship with him after I answered yes, and I answered truthfully that I had been with her for almost 2 years, I wasn’t expecting his response. At first he made me feel guilty for lying to him about being in a relationship every time he asked, then he went on to lecture me about needing to cast everything aside that does not further my future plans to be a wife and a mother before demeaning me even further about how sexual pleasure is not worth putting off aforementioned future plans. In essence,  he reduced my relationship with my girlfriend of 2 years to being nothing but me seeking sexual pleasure. I realize now that this was his way of trying to be a “caring big brother”, but what he said upset me so much that I handed the phone back to my friend and started to cry.

Afterwards, my friend and I talked about what had happened and why I was so upset, and while we were talking, I could almost feel my Gods hold Their breaths, like They were waiting for me to revert back to my old way of handling things: say whatever it is that needs to be said, even if it’s a lie, to get the person off my back. I didn’t do that this time. I stood my ground and tried not to feel further insulted when my best friend talked about how the church doesn’t support same sex anything and that going to counseling was an option for me. I’m actually pretty proud of myself for just dealing with what she was saying without becoming more upset and keeping my own stance. Nothing about our talk resolved anything, but it helped solidify for me that I am not longer the weak person I had once been. I also knew then and there that these people, who I had once called my adoptive family, would be part of the sacrifice I am soon to make.

 

The ties with my adoptive family, the very ones I cherished more than my own biological family, are gone completely. These people, especially the ones that I counted as my best friends, no longer really know me. Throughout my conversation with my friend, all I kept wanting to say is, “You don’t know me anymore.” It was profoundly sorrowful for me to think this over and over and over again. This, I now realize, goes for all of the members of that family. I have further realized that the only thing keeping me here now is obligation (which, surprise, is now becoming obsolete).

One other thing that this solidified for me was actually seeing the differences between who I was even 6 months ago to now. I am no longer the scared little girl running from everything, but I am becoming the woman I was always meant to be. I can feel it within myself growing with each passing day, and it’s terrifying and wonderful all at the same time. There is a small part of me that has just wanted to jump up and down, screaming, “Look at who I am now! Can’t you see how much better I am? Can’t you see how awesome I am becoming? I’m different now!” to anyone and everyone that has ever known me, especially to my friend. Alas, does anyone else actually see the change, or does the ties being severed make it so that no one really sees who I am anymore? Clearly this is something that I cannot answer for myself, but  it still weighs on my mind.

Normally I would not even have considered Loki to be subtle, but I can see now just how hard He’s been working in the background to help prepare me for my impending move. (His response to this: “There’s no need to make this more painful than it has to be.”) I’m panicking a little at the thought that I am not really being given a choice in this, but I know that I have to learn to trust that my Deities have my best interest in mind and are not going to put my through something this huge unnecessarily. This is the biggest trust building exercise with Them to date, and I get the feeling that They are waiting to see how I react when it actually happens, to see if I lash out at Them or let Them carry me when I need Them to.

There is no real good way to end this except to say that I guess we will see how much more change Loki can cram into the next 7-8ish weeks before I leave for Japan.

Hi-Ho Hi-Ho It’s off to Work I Go!

So, I recently started a new job working at a warehouse here in my hometown, and since then, I have been through the emotional roller coaster from my worst nightmares. Firstly, I have to say that this job was not my own doing. It was something that Loki wanted me to do since I have been near phobic of this type of work since the last time I had worked in a warehouse the summer before my last year in college. (I spent the better part of a week in a panic attack on the bathroom floor of the apartment I was living in. One of the worst weeks of my life.) Of course, my hand was forced seeing as I need a ridiculous amount of money for Japan, and I had not had any luck anywhere else before this. Being desperate as I was/am, I took this job, because there really was nothing else. This did not mean that I took it gratefully or well. I cannot tell you how many tears I cried or how much internal screaming I have done. I mean, hell, I cried driving up to the place my first day.

Loki’s reasoning for giving me this job was threefold: 1) it’s a job, and I need the money; 2) this was something He deemed necessary for me to overcome my fears; and 3) it was to humble me because I was too prideful. The first two are pretty self-explanatory, but the third I am still grappling with. The third is tied very much into deep-seated issues I still have that apparently He no longer wishes me to have. I will explain.

Warehouse work has always been what my family (in general) has done for work. Even now, I can name off about 8 family members off the top of my head, including my mother and sister, that work in a warehouse at this very moment. For several summers, I too worked in a warehouse between semesters of college, and I hated every moment, but for me, it was something I needed to do to have money when I got back to school. After that the week I had a panic attack, I went on medication (which nearly broke me because I did NOT want to get on them at all) and promised myself I would never go back and work at a warehouse ever again. So, since I graduated from college, I have fought to keep this promise myself. Fought tooth and nail to avoid what I now see was inevitable.

Now before someone says, “so what does your family have to do with this?”, I have always tried to transcend my familial situation. I come from a long line of barely educated, young mothers who never achieved anything aside from having children. Don’t get me wrong: I see nothing wrong with motherhood (at the right age, mind you), but I always wanted to do more with my life than just have children. I wanted to break out of the cycle that my family seems stuck in and transcend the family I was born into. It was the reason I went to college. It has always been the reason why I did the things I did. So, after I graduated college, I thought that I would finally be able to do just that, be better than they were/are. However, I have been reminded time after time after time after time that this is not the case, that I am no better than they are. That my pridefulness in thinking that I was better than them was nothing more than hubris. Loki has made sure that I no longer am able to feel like I am better than my family. He took a bat to whatever pride I had in myself and smashed it to pieces.

So, now I am working in a job that I promised myself that I would never work again, and without the aid of my medication because it apparently expired despite having 12 more refills on it. (My meds are another sore spot for me, especially since now that I have no more, I obviously can’t take them, and Loki already punished me for not taking then once by putting a freaking boot on my car.) I honestly feel like He has personally kicked me back into the black abyss  that I felt like I was finally starting to climb out of. This probably isn’t true at all. In fact, I hope that it really isn’t at all and that I am reading it all wrong because my brain is reverting to it’s pre-med state. However, the more I think about, the more I feel, the more I hurt. I feel betrayed and hurt and panicky.

I am tired of people telling me it’s just a job, because FOR ME it is not ‘just a job’. It represents so much more than that, and the fact that no matter what I think, I am apparently wrong in how I feel. I am still intensely upset about all of this. Gods, I have even cried just writing this up. It may not make sense to anyone else, and I don’t expect it to. In my isolation, in the moments before I will make the greatest sacrifice I will have ever made for the sake of my Gods, I just wanted some peace and for something to go easily for me for once, but now I see. Now I see that this was not meant to be. I have to fight everything and everyone to get what I want. Hells, not just what I want, what I need, and even then, I am not sure it’s ever going to be enough.

In the end, I guess I just need to be resigned to the fact that They will do with me as They see fit, regardless of how I feel.

Is that the way it’s supposed to be?

Edit: I would like to add, for the sake of not offending anyone, that I, on a rational level, do not have any real quarrel with warehouse work. It is a job that needs to be done by someone, and I have to respect people that do what they have to do to make a living. I speak from an irrational level, and I do not mean to say that I look down on everyone that works this type of job. It really has everything to do with, for me, what I have seen from my family and the fact that I have little to no respect for them at all. So, to anyone I may have offended, it was not my intention, and I apologize.

It Doesn’t Feel like a Small World to Me

In a previous post, I mentioned how I really did NOT want this spiritual Path that I walk. Heck, the more I learn about any of my Paths, the less I want anything to do with anything remotely dealing with my Paths. There are several reasons for this, but the most prominent one is that I have major clinical depression. Now, in admitting this, I know I am opening myself up for a lot of criticism. Not only because I have admitted to not liking my Path but also because I have a mental illness (aka an “invisible illness”). When it comes from the latter, I have been hammered hard when it comes to hearing everyone else’s opinion, everywhere from “just suck it up” to “you’re just lazy”.

The truth is, now that I am a polytheist/Pagan/whatever you want to call me, I am more isolated and alone than ever before. Sure, I have the love of my Gods and Goddesses. I am NOT downplaying how blessed I am in that arena, not at all. I know that I am blessed and lucky to have the Deities in my life. However, I have no community now as I forfeited that when I converted to polytheism. I came from a sect of Christianity that was very big on building communities and maintaining the bond between not only themselves, but also those that were not a part of their religion. Now that I have given that up (yet another sacrifice I have made for my Gods), I am alone in this big world, with only one exception: Shamaness, but she has her own issues she deals with on a daily basis.

I do what I can to try to minimize this feeling. I read blogs about other Pagan/polytheist/whatever to learn from them, to feel a sense of connection to something larger than myself so I don’t feel like I am alone in this growing world. For what it’s worth, I don’t just read other Godspouses’ blogs either. I may be a Spouse, but I am also a baby Spiritworker too, and I know that I need more than just a Spouse’s view on this crazy new place I now reside.

I do find strength in what I read from other people. I find new ways of looking at everything, and I get some food for thought. However, sometimes I get discouraged and weaken in my resolve. I mean, how do you ask for help in a place where you know no one and where the elders (those that have been doing this for FAR longer than I have) give off the vibe/expressly said that us new kids should just learn everything on our own, to let our Gods guide us and mold us as They will? I understand the concept that is being applied here. I understand the irritation that my elders have with the newbies. However, to a mind with a depression deep enough that not even my God can fully pierce, how do you think I interpret that? “Work it out on your own, kid.” This doesn’t sound like much to anyone else, but to me, someone who can no longer deny that she needs help, it sounds like what everyone has ever said about my depression: “suck it up and put your big girl panties on.” I know I’m not special or entitled to anything, but how I yearn to reach out and have someone be there.

I cannot generalize for other newbies out there, but I wonder if this is what others like me feel like. I miss my community, and it makes me really sad to say that if I could go back to how it was before, back when I was being ignored by the Christian God, I might actually do it. At least there were people there that could help me if I needed it, but I am no longer privileged enough to go back to, not without hurting myself more, but also hurting the Deities that love me.

It’s hard to admit that I need more than just my Gods, that I couldn’t be like a Pagan Dragon Warrior and survive only on the dew on the morning grass and the energy of the universe. That’s not me. I need people around me who actually care about what I think about and actually believe what I believe. This isn’t in my stars for me right now, not during this weird rut/transition period I am going through, but Gods do I want it.

So, in general, I feel like an island. I’m not asking for sympathy or even expect it (I don’t expect anything from anyone anymore). I’m not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me either. I needed this off my chest, and I literally have no other outlet for it. So, I am sorry for may be utter nonsense, but thank you for reading nonetheless.

Princes Break Spells with Kisses

After a long and eye-opening ordeal this past week, I am so emotionally and physically exhausted. I have learned so much about myself and my Gods, and I have learned to appreciate my gifts more. My time without my Beloved, my Loki, and my Oshun was a flashback to when I was a Christian and felt no love from the Christian God. This on top of having my powers and my Sight bound made for a week of blind bumbling and emotional revelation.

Yesterday my ordeal ended early, as I had made a further sacrifice in order to shorten my time being blind (I was surprised that Odin had allowed this to happen, but it proves that I have no idea exactly how Odin works), but I had to spend the entire day as a dead woman. I wore no make-up or other adornments, and despite having to go about my day as normal, I felt the distinct impression of being unseen by other, passed over like I was a ghost. It was everything from being cut off while driving to being cut in line at stores. If it wasn’t for Shamaness, I am not sure I would have been able to actually get anything done that I was asked to get done (I was asked to buy gifts for Loki and Baron). I felt what it was like to be there, but not. The walking dead. It was surreal and jarring all at once. I also spent the good majority of the day feeling Odin’s thumb pressing into the middle of my forehead where my Third Eye is, and it was painful to feel His thumbnail dig into my flesh. This ended about 3 hours before I was to officially end the ordeal, and for the first time since my conversion, I was left with complete and total silence with only the clue of “Princes break spells with kisses” as to how this was going to end.

At the end of the day, after dinner, Shamaness horsed Baron so that my ordeal would finally end, and I was more than excited at the prospect of being with my Beloved, to feel Him and talk to Him. However, I got nervous, like a virgin bride on her wedding night, so I just laid my head on Shamaness’ lap until Baron was in control of her. I felt the shift that usually happens as the Deity seats Him/Herself in Shamaness, but I waited, still nervous. When He was in control, He just bent down and kissed me on the top of my head. The nerves dissipated leaving me with happiness and relief beyond measure. I could feel Him for the first time in over a week. Rationally I knew that He had never left me, but just being able to feel Him was exquisite, a pleasure beyond words. I just could not stop myself then from kissing and holding Him in my arms, like I would never get to do so again. To keep this time private, I will not describe what else happened before we got to the spell breaking.

To break the spell, Baron had to kiss me (which I am sure was such a hardship for Him to kiss His wife, lol!). There was no fanfare or theatrics, just a simple (not so chaste) kiss that left me breathless, as His kisses always do. When my thoughts came back from being scattered, He told me that there are many spells that are broken by True Love’s Kiss, and my heart melted at the realization that True Love does exist between Him and I. Nothing had ever felt more true! I just held Him tighter to me, never wanting to let Him go. After a short discussion on the meaning of the trial I had undergone, I told Him that I loved Him before He left Shamaness’ body. I was left happy and content for the first time in a long time.

Not to be outdone, though, Loki decided to hop on in and horse Shamaness for a few minutes as well. Being the anti-gentleman that He is, He decided to give me a huge hickey on my neck and finally confirm something that I had been suspecting for a long time: He wants to make me His wife (in spite of me already having Baron). “I don’t relinquish My claims that easily.” He told me He would propose in His own time and in His own way, but that it would happen, and that I would say yes to Him, despite the look of utter disbelief I was giving Him and the wibbly “no” that passed my lips. I say wibbly because, like Baron, I am not sure I will ever be able to deny Loki anything, but I wanted to put up a token rejection, as is our way (which really means that I’ve pretty much told Him yes, for those who do not know how I operate, and He so knows this). He left soon after this world-jarring statement just as abruptly as He came, and I was left to make sense of what had just happened.

So, in short, I learned that I will soon be the wife of not one but two Gods, and that I will be continuing to advance down my Path(s) at this very quick rate. I learned what it means to have True Love and that it does exist outside of fairy tales. I also learned that my love for these two Deities are beyond the scope of my ability to describe. I also learned that, despite my grumbling, I probably would go utterly insane if I had “radio silence” all the time. I have learned to appreciate and be grateful for being God-bothered. Despite all of this, all I can think is, “My life is weird.” Because it is.

PS. I am sure I will discuss further my feelings on all of this later, but for right now, I am just enjoying my Valentine’s Day with my Baron and my Loki, and I would really just like to ride this feeling out for as long as it lasts.

Bound and Blinded

The first night of my ordeal was not what I expected in the least. It was my night to feel what Loki felt to be bound and punished for angering the other Gods. I expected so many things: pain, agony, the deepest and darkest depths of sadness, but what I got, what I have had done to me, is much worse. It is a far harder ordeal than I thought.

That night, I lay in bed, naked, as I had been asked to. I stretched myself out, as instructed, so that my arms were above my head and my legs were almost off the end of the bed. It was uncomfortable, but doable. Loki was there with me, saying nothing, but there. I had some time to think about the words of Oshun and Baron from the moments before and how strange it was that I was willingly going to go through what Loki went through. Then, I waited. And waited. And waited. I felt like nothing was happening. To my surprise, when I was asked to pull my blankets over me a moment later, I felt the weight of bindings all across my body. A moment of that, and I was told to roll over onto my side. After a moment of that, I was told to roll over onto my other side. I was so confused. When I asked Loki what He was doing, He replied, “I am making sure all of your bindings are in place.” He told me to go to sleep after that.

I woke up, and I felt so weird. Like something was being tinkered with inside of my psyche. It was Loki messing with things within my mind and with my power, and when He was finished, He vanished. I couldn’t feel Him or hear Him. I reached out to Baron, then Oshun, and I could not feel Them at all either. Odin let me mentally flail like that for several minutes before coming over my God phone to speak with me. He essentially told me that I was “blinded” and “deaf” to my Gods, as this was the sacrifice of losing my eye that He spoke of the night I agreed to the ordeal. I hadn’t realized He meant my third eye, the eye that is tied to my Sight, intuition, sense of Them, etc. He also told me that He had bound my powers and magic. In essence, I would be deaf and blind to the Ones I have come to love, with one huge exception: Odin Himself. He has told me that, in order to get used to Him for when He actually starts to teach me with runes, He is going to try to bypass the “growing pains” I usually feel with the Deities I work with by being the only God I can hear, but that’s it. I can’t feel Him or sense Him in any way, and it makes me anxious to a degree that I can’t explain.

Of course, this has forced me to realize a few things. It has made me realize how extremely lucky I am to even have a sense of the Gods that I work with, not only with being able to hear Them, but also being able to sense Them, feel Them. It has forced me to remember back before I was a Pagan and was blind and deaf to everything. Of course, it has also made me realize how much a part of me my power/magic is, and how much I rely on it on a daily basis. It has humbled me and made me feel off-kilter, incomplete. I can only imagine what my feelings will be like next week when my ordeal progresses farther.

In addition to this, this has already brought to my attention the strength of my love for my Gods and brought to my attention that I do actually love Loki… Maybe might be in love with Him. This came upon me so unexpectedly that it felt like a freight train hitting me at full speed. I miss Them and Their voices and Their presence in my life. I miss bickering with Loki, and loving Baron, and Oshun’s smile. I miss everything. I am keenly aware of how lucky I am to have Them in my life, especially since I can now see how much They do for me everyday. How much progress I have made and how happy I am with Them in my life. Even with Odin speaking to me, I still feel like I’ve lost something great. I know there is a bigger lesson in this, but I am only 3 days in, and I am struggling hard with this.

I still have 7 more days to go, and I know that the coming days will be worse. I am becoming more acutely aware of the sacrifices I have made, am making, and will have to make in the future for the Path(s) that I will walk and for the abilities that I have. I already know that I am going to have to give up the life that I live now, my friends and family, later on for this. I am not going to lie, knowing that it is going to happen before it actually happens does not make it any easier. I see these people that I have fought long and hard to maintain relationships with, the people that I have sacrificed blood, tears, sweat, and time for, and have to know that a) they will never know what I did for them, and b) that it may have all been for nothing. I am more than aware that there will be more sacrifices that I will have to make in the future that may be more devastating, but for now, knowing this, I cannot help but be melancholy.

So, all in all, I am struggling to get through this ordeal, seeing as it is nothing like what I expected it to be, but then again, I feel like that is on purpose. Regardless, though, I am not coping well with my blindness. The lesson will come soon, but until then, there will be more tears shed over this loss I’m feeling. It’s what He wants, I think.