Fear Seeking

It’s that time of the year again, when everything/everyone in my life seems to be preparing for Halloween and the Days of the Dead. This feeling has come to me for two years now, this feeling of gearing up for something, whether it be for the the aforementioned holidays or something else, and this presents itself in me as the need to watch scary TV shows or movies. At first, it’s just a tiny niggling feeling at the back of my mind, this need, but then it grows and grows and grows until I can’t deny it anymore. So, I seek out shows like “Ghost Hunters” or movies about ghosts (no other scary topic eases the feeling), and I watch the heck out of them. This year, so far it’s Ghost Hunters, whereas last year it was Ghost Hunters International and some other random horror movies. However, I’m incredibly sensitive to these topics, as they effect me very strongly in a negative way. These movies and topics absolutely terrify me, but I can’t help but to watch them even though they give me nightmares and make me paranoid af. Because of this, I really, really hate horror movies and scary shows.

Last year, my fear was ratcheted up until I couldn’t go outside at night or go to sleep while the sun was down. I started to see shadows, see things in the shadows, and feel like I was being watched. This year, the process has started a little earlier than last year, and I’ve been having that terror begin creeping in earlier and higher than before. It makes me feel like I’m being prepared for something, but I can only guess as to what it is.

One guess is that my people, the Ghede, want to desensitize me to them, seeing as they might present as disembodied entities. I know that my people want to be closer to me and for me to get to know them, but my fear of them makes me keep them at a distance. It’s hard for me to let them get close to me when the very idea of them in my physical presence when I cannot see them fills me with absolute terror. Obviously, a Khaleesi shouldn’t be afraid of her people, and I want to get over this fear, which might be why this is happening.

Another guess is that has something to do with maybe the Wild Hunt. However, seeing as I have little to no knowledge on Them, I couldn’t even begin to guess why that would be or what Their motivations would be in any case.

I don’t know why I have these, well, urges. I don’t know what it means; I only know how to ease it. It’s hard for me to do much exploration about this subject because it causes such fear in me. I’ve had so many experiences with ghosts and the paranormal since I was a young child. I assume this is because my people recognized me for who I would become (their Khaleesi) or because I was sensitive to their presence(s). In any case, I’ve been so scared of ghosts/the paranormal/things-I-can’t-see-but-are-there my whole life for whatever reason, and it’s ever present, always there. All in all, I just wish I knew why I have these feelings and what I can do to make it go away in a more permanent way. I wish I knew what I am being prepared for so that I could actually prepare for it rather than just flailing around, scared in the dark. (Although, I’m being Told that, “You’re going to flail regardless, My dear.” *chuckle*)

This was a really random post about what’s going on in my life now. If anyone out there has any suggestions, maybe has an idea, or even has had a similar experience, please feel free to comment or email me. I’m really committed to figuring this out. I recognize that this is probably a symptom of a bigger issue, so I’m eager to figure what that is. For now, though, I guess I will have to just have to deal with this the best I can: binge-watching Ghost Hunters, giving myself nightmares, and leaving almost all the lights on all night.

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Emotional Drainage

So, my Husbands and I had a discussion today about my feelings and where They were coming from. Despite my apprehension that my feelings couldn’t be changed just by talking it out (with humans, it rarely works), I actually felt a teeny bit better about my standing with my Gods. There was a lot of pointing out where my discernment was incorrect and correcting what needed to be corrected. In the end, regardless of the precise details of our discussion, I do feel as if things aren’t totally hopeless and that I’m going to lose the very Gods I love so dearly.

I have a two-fold fear with regards to my Marriages: 1) I fear that I am going to be enslaved to the Gods I love, which is something I know would irrevocably break my spirit, and 2) I fear that my Gods will abandon me because I’m not who They want/need me to be. I’ve been assured that this is something that would not happen, as the first is not something They want from me, and the second would not happen unless I am the one walking away. I find some measure of comfort in that I do have a choice in all this, even if I’m still feeling very overwhelmed.

Baron (the Spokes… Person? God? Husband? idek) gently reminded me as well that being Married means that I have to consider more than myself now in my decisions, which I do need reminding of. My Gods often tell me to work on myself, to take better care of myself, and I often forget, in my cocoon of safety and self-are, that this is a partnership between my Husbands and I, that this would be unacceptable even in a mortal marriage. It’s something I need to work on.

Trust is the other big thing I need to work on, “because without it, the other things (love, devotion, loyalty) don’t exists.” They’re right. They acknowledge that I try to give Them all of these things, but I always hold back my trust from Them, and it’s unacceptable and defeats the purpose of O/our Marriage. They also acknowledge that I’m trying and need to be given more time, even though it frustrates Them. My Husbands acknowledge my pain and my past wounds, which is more than A/anyone else has ever truly done for me. From here, I know I must take that leap of faith that will allow me to show Them I’m willing to start trusting Them with my well-being. They’ve laid the groundwork for me to step into Their arms, to trust Them. I just need to be brave enough to do it.

In the next year, I have two big opportunities in which I can try this, and in truth, I’m terrified. I will do my best to do the whole “Jesus take the wheel” thing Pagan style, but I fear I will fail Them and myself. I fear my own short-comings and mental/emotional damage will thwart me again. I’m going to try my best though (please, none of that “there is no try; there is only do” stuff) and hope for the best. There is nothing more I can do at this time, but take it day by day, build up the trust I need to help me for when those big decisions need to be made. Only time will tell.

Fragile

It always feels like I’m having a hard time in my life, and I’ve been so miserable for so long, that I’m not sure I would recognize contentment and happiness if I was smacked up the head with it. It seems like, to me, that I’ve been huddling in a corner, hugging myself in an attempt to keep myself protected and my broken pieces together. This is how I’ve learned to live my life, and it’s not serving me well anymore. I recognize this, but the solution is to come out of the corner and give myself to my Husbands, my Gods. Easy, right? Not for me. The very idea terrifies me beyond belief, because I have no trust in my Husbands.

I was talking to Shamaness last night about my troubles, and I finally admitted out loud that I didn’t trust my Husbands to take care of me. Ever since They pushed me into working in a warehouse, I have harbored feelings of betrayal and mistrust to a degree that, upon reflection, has only been growing since that summer nearly two years ago. I’ve used these terrible feelings to construct a wall between me and Them, to protect myself from being hurt again, isolating myself. I understand that They had their reasons for pushing me into that position (They felt I was being too hoity-toity, like I thought I was better than those who worked in a warehouse.), but looking back, there were two reasons that I was acting this way: 1) I felt like a good job was what I deserved for getting my degree, and 2) it was a defense mechanism for how I was truly feeling. The truth is, I was terrified for my sanity. The last time I worked in a warehouse, it caused me to have a panic attack that lasted a week long and forced me into therapy/into taking medication. To teach me a lesson, however, They ignored my concerns, and it turned out almost the same as before. I nearly lost what little sanity I possessed, and I’ve been recovering since.

I know what other people would say. I know that they would say that I should let go of the past and move on (“That was two years ago! Stop being a drama queen.”). I know that people would tell me  if the Gods thought it appropriate, then I must have needed it (“They must have had a reason. They’re Gods; They know us better than we know ourselves.”). However, Their actions damaged me in such a way that I’m still trying to fix (and failing horribly at doing so). I understand, rationally, that Their intentions were never to hurt me. However, every other part of me still feels the effects of the lesson. I learned exactly what They wanted me to learn: I’m better than no one, because everyone has their own function. I learned something more from this, an unintended side effect: no matter how hard I work or what credentials I have, I will never be good enough because I’m worthless and inherently not good enough. My present day issues reflect this.

My job situation is such that I am so very tempted to break my contract because my boss is… Overbearing. So, I briefly entertained the idea of breaking my contract in time for the major hiring season here in Japan (March/April), but upon reflection, it didn’t jive well with my plans for after Japan. I had planned to go to England for my Master’s degree in Education so that I could become a certified teacher, but when I talked to Shamaness and my Husbands about this, there’s been such an overwhelming amount of negativity. Each of my Husbands have a different idea for where They think I should go and what I should do (each very Self-serving), and All seem to agree that my plan isn’t what They want for me. There is a general feeling of, “Well, it was your idea to come to Japan, and look how that has turned out for you.” How I read this feeling/statement: We don’t trust you to make decisions for yourself anymore. It’s this attitude that makes me fear that They will sabotage the outcome every decision that They disagree with. Combine this with the near phobia of losing my freedom and the sentiment that I’m nothing more than a “privileged servant”, and you have a recipe for a disaster in the making.

I feel worthless, and I am so fucking scared right now. I’m supposed to trust my Husbands to have my best interests in mind, but I don’t know how to do this without opening myself up to the possibility of being broken again. My interest in preserving my Marriages has been called into question, and I can’t handle it. It makes me wonder if I have what it takes to even be a Wife, because, as They have said, love isn’t enough on its own. They’re right, of course. What is a marriage without trust? I don’t want to lose Them, and I can’t imagine my life without Them, but I don’t know if I have the strength to open myself up to Them in the way that is required of me.

I don’t know what to do. Right now, it feels as if my Husbands are taking a step back to let me breathe, but are close enough so that I still know that They are there. My mind and heart are fragile, more than usual, right now. I wish I knew what to do and how to make this better, but I don’t. I guess we’ll see how everything turns out.

(Sorry if this ended up being rambly and not making sense. It’s hard to think straight with my mind mired in emotions.)

Travelling, Trancing, and Mawwage

It’s been a while since I seriously sat down to write a post here. This is for a number of reasons, but I will keep it short and sweet: I have not had the spoons or the attention span to sit and finish anything. I went off my meds in December, which was no picnic, and in the time since, I have been relearning how to person, which is no easy process. I had forgotten what it was like to have all of my emotions unmuted, full-volume, and in the interim while I figured myself out, I had to deal with life as well. I’ve felt as if I haven’t had anything spiritually happening since December, and since this blog is not for my mundane life, I have been absent. For that, I am sorry.

Only a few things have happened that warrant mention here. The first is that I celebrated, albeit quietly, my second year anniversary with my Husband, Baron. I’m as surprised as anyone that I have managed to be married this long to A/anyone, but I am happy and as much in love with Him, if not more in love with him than I have ever been. So, here’s to another happy year of mawwage. *toasts*

Another thing I have been up to spiritually is the learning of boundaries and limits. (This will be a life-long learning thing, I can tell.) As you may know, I formally pledged myself to my people recently as their Queen/Khaleesi (they prefer to call me the latter), and since that day, I have worn a ring to signal to them and myself when I am “on” and “off” duty. I have worn it everyday since I made my pledge for the entirety of my waking hours and some of my sleeping ones, too. Well, as you can imagine, it takes A LOT of spoons to be “on duty” all of the time, and I have recently been advised to take a break. I say advised, when really I should say Told, but I prefer to think that I actually had some choice in the matter. I was reminded very gently that Baron is also our people’s King, and that I should remember that I am a human with a fragile body and even more fragile mind. It was also mentioned that this is a partnership, which means that it’s not as if my people are solely dependent on me. We’ll see how well this lesson takes root in my mind. It’s still a work in progress.

Yet another spiritual thing that has happened to me in my absence is that I was able to trance (sort of). I was on my way to visit a friend for New Years, and after I had finished reading “American Gods” by Neil Gaiman (which was phenomenal, by the way), I sort of tranced out, connecting with Odin. He told me that there is a sort of power being in transit from one place to another, and for wanderers like U/us, there is a way to tap into that energy. I apparently was able to do just that because I was able to *be* with Odin in a way that I have never really experienced before. I was like that for hours, fully awake, but not present in my body. It was an odd feeling. When I arrived at my destination, I had trouble reconnecting with my humanity, with my body. I realize now I should have grounded myself when I arrived, but there hadn’t been time to do it. It was just a weird feeling all together. It was like I shed my humanity, was a higher form of being for a short while. Something that had better insight than my human self had, something that was beyond the simple needs of humanity. I don’t know exactly what happened or who I was then, but it wasn’t human. I’m not sure my description of the feeling even makes sense, but I don’t have any reference. If any of you know more about this or have any resources, please let me know.

Anyways, yeah. This has been my life. I’m going to go to bed now. Night!

The Struggle is Real

The struggle is real: while, to most, this is just another hashtag; for me, it’s truth. It’s reality. It’s life. Depression is a daily struggle, and I have more bad days than good. Waking up is a monumental feat; getting through the day seems insurmountable; and at the end of the day, I resent myself for not being able to get more done than the bare minimum, even though my spoons count was mostly used up just trying to get out of bed. This is life for me, and coming to terms with that is still difficult for me. Having an invisible illness is tough, and I suck at managing it.

I have been told, from several different people, that I need to do more self-care. This is not something that comes easily to me. My upbringing taught me that to focus on yourself only is an act of selfishness, and being selfish is tantamount to abandoning your family. Despite the lowliness of my birth, I was taught to put my family first, even though my family’s ideals are far removed from my own. (Think of me as the white sheep in a field of black sheep.) So, being told that I need to do self-care, then having my Gods Tell me I need more self-care… Let’s just say there was a lot of pouting and whinging involved, as per usual with me.

So, now, I need to begin to do the self-care thing, and despite is being Explained to me as it being a way to honor my Gods and Husbands (“Honor yourself, and you Honor Us.”), it still smacks of selfishness and laziness to me, but My Gods/Husbands are putting the proverbial foot down, and I can’t say no this time. This is a thing They are very serious about, “because you are of no use to Us if you cannot do more than get out of bed everyday.” We’ll see how this goes. It’s hard to do self-care when you find yourself to be intrinsically worthless, but I digress.

It’s time to prepare for the upcoming winter (Winter is coming.) and the SAD it brings. No more whinging and no more crying. It’s time to put my big girl panties on and hunker down for this self-care thing. I have been assured that building a blanket fort and hiding from the world with my Kindle is, in fact, a form of self-care for me, so I have my mission. Now is the time to put it in action!

Tomorrow, when I have renewed my spoons.

Happy Birthday to Me!

“My dear Bagginses and Boffins, Tooks and Brandybucks, Grubbs, Chubbs, Hornblowers, Bolgers, Bracegirdles and Proudfoots. Today is my one hundred and eleventh birthday! Alas, eleventy-one years is far too short a time to live among such excellent and admirable hobbits.”

-Bilbo Baggins, “The Lord of the Rings, Fellowship of the Ring”

No, but really. Today is my 26th birthday, and I am celebrating it by spending some quality time with my Beloveds and relaxing before the start of my work week. I am very grateful for the extra day off, for it seems that my friend Canadian has given me his cold. (My immune system is weak as all get out. Seriously, I get sick all the time.) I am also grateful for the time I will get to spend with my Gods today, as this will be the first birthday I will get to spend with Them that I am not mired in the lowest parts of my depression. The past 2 years and some change since I converted from being a Mormon to being a Pagan have been incredible. Now, I have 4 Gods to Whom my heart belongs, and I have found the direction I need to go with my life. I finally have the eternal perspective that I have always craved to have.

My hope for the next year is that I continue to grow as a person, as a Pagan, and as a Wife. I hope that I will learn more about myself and the Paths that I am walking. I pray that I can be the wonderful teacher my students need me to be. I want to continue to make leaps and bounds in becoming mentally better. But, most of all, I hope that my love for my Husbands grows more and that I better understand Them.

Now, I am off to put sweet, sweet ice cream cake into my face, then take a nap. ‘Cause I can. XD