Reverberation

It has been two months since I have moved to Japan. Two months. This time has moved both so slowly that time seemed to stop at times and so fast that I can hardly comprehend where the time has gone. My life still hardly makes sense anymore. I have been cut off from almost everything I knew before from my old life, and I have been even been cut off from my Husbands/Gods. It was almost like a rebirth for me, into the new person I am supposed to become… However, this is not exactly what has happened. The events that happened during the last few weeks of my stay in America have been reverberating through my life even now, months later.

I am almost ashamed to say that I just can’t seem to let go of the fact that my Gods, the Ones I trusted most, shackled me. It feels, still, like a betrayal of my faith and trust, even though I know that it was meant to build my trust with Them. It didn’t do this, however. Not at all. I have been through the emotional wringer about this particular set of events, even to the point that I can still feel the cuffs on my wrists and ankles. I know that this is just my mind making things up (at least I hope so), but it puts me back into that mindset. It kills me that this just won’t stay in the past, but it has seriously impacted my already very ridiculously little ability to trust and have faith. I mean this very seriously. These were things I struggled with before, for various reason, but I struggle with them more now.

My faith has gone to such lows as to think about giving up my faith completely, to worship no Gods. To ask to be released from my vows. I seriously have thought about what it would be like to try to shut off my Godphone and just live in the silence once again. My mind has wondered into that desolate place where I had been before I came to know the Gods as I know Them now. I have seriously considered what it would be like to move back into that spiritual dead space.

These thoughts shame me, which adds to my already wrecked mindset. Why could I not stick it out? Why did I fail, like everything else? Where did I go wrong? Why was I not good enough? The questions just keep going and going and going, and sometimes there is no real way to stop them. I am seriously wondering whether I was cut out to be what They want me to be, considering I am unable to move past this mental/emotional block of mine. The only thing that is saving me, I think, is the fact that I do not really want to give up on this. I want to try to overcome myself in order to be what my Gods need/want me to be, but… I don’t know how to even begin to do this, except for not giving up. For now, I think, this may be all I have the energy for.

Starting in October, my other Deities will start to be filtered back into my awareness, at Susano’s discretion. I don’t know how I feel about this. Afraid, to be sure, that I will not be able to move past our last meetings with E/each O/other. Hesitant, because I am not sure I want this (I don’t do so well with so many different Deities clamoring for my attention). Nervous, because I am shy and “adorable” like that (according to Susano) about meeting with my Husbands again (the phrase ‘like a virgin on her wedding night’ comes to mind). Anxious, because I have been enjoying the quiet that the Kami provide, and with so many Deities that ask for my attention, the contrast is going to be jarring…

So many feels!

I wish there was another person I could go to for guidance, but there is none. Being a solitary practitioner as well as being in a foreign country has done nothing to help that part out.

I just want my faith back. I want the ability to trust. I want to be unshakable in both. As to how to get there, I am not sure. All I have gotten from the Kami on the matter is to “just do it”, in short. Easier said than done, I’m afraid. If I could, this would not be a dilemma, would it? I am hoping, with all of my heart, that one day I can have both of these things, rather than the crippling self-doubt about everything. Maybe this hope is where to start?

(Forgive me for this probably ridiculously long, rambling post. When the feels dictate the words and their order, well, it doesn’t always make the most sense.)

What’s My Age Again?

There are some days when I am reminded very much that despite being 24, an adult in my own right, I am indeed immature and young yet. I feel like a child bride compared to my Grooms. There are many examples of this, but one of the most recent examples is one that I am having trouble shaking off.

I have been under a great amount of stress recently. Money and joblessness are the first and foremost of these stressors, and since I will be moving to Japan in July, this has been eating me up from the inside out. This coupled with my depression has made me difficult to be around (and for those of you who are around me and have to deal with my general demonish behavior/moods, I apologize, and I commend you on being able to handle it). I have tried to keep from being a total terror, especially to my Husbands, but still I struggle, especially since They are always in my head and can hear my every thought, uncensored as they are. My stress has been wreaking havoc upon my already shaky discernment, so all of this together is a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. Oh, and did it ever explode.

I am not going to go into detail about what exactly happened, but what I will say is this: my crappy discernment caused me to explode at Baron. Well, He just happened to be the One who happened to be near my mental microphone at the time that my internal bomb detonated. I tried to not explode at Him, but it happened anyways, much to my shame. I had hit my limit of being able to handle shit happening to me. Mind you, this was mostly an internal explosion that leaked outward, but I did my fair share of what really, now that I look back, was a tantrum. I was upset for the rest of the day, and Baron was upset as well.

All in all, I acted the child, and in the end was reminded that, compared to my Husbands, I am but a toddler with mostly untethered emotions. My Husbands know how to handle me when I am explosively upset, but I always feel so guilty afterwards that I have forced Them to deal with such abhorrent and immature behavior. They have forgiven me of course. They love me and understand I am under much mental and emotional duress at the moment, but I still have not forgiven myself for it. I will eventually forgive and forget, but hot damn do I need a break.

Anyways, yeah. There it is. It’s a good thing the Gods are, from what I have found, patient Beings, because otherwise I would be in deeeeep trouble right now. It also helps that They love me or something. *grin*

Mead with the Gods

Last Saturday, the day before my grandmother’s funeral, Shamaness and I decided to make good on a promise we made to Odin about sharing some mead with Him and any other Gods who wished to join us. While it may not have seemed like such good timing on our part considering I would have to go to my grandmother’s funeral the next day, but it also seemed like the best time to me considering that this experience could bring me closer to the Gods especially in my time of grief. So, we popped open that beautiful bottle of mead, said some words of welcome/invitation, and waited.

It was a warmer than normal January night, and it was raining that night. Nothing hard, just a soft patter of rain against the windows in my room. So, when we heard a very loud and prolonged clap of thunder (the first and only we heard that night), Shamaness and I were startled for a moment, until we realized that Thor had shown up. We are still new enough at this that we were surprised at the fact that we had such an audible and unmistakable entrance from the Deities that were showing up and nervous about the Company we had invited over, but soon we didn’t have time to worry about this as we busied ourselves with being the best hosts we could be without calling any attention to ourselves from my other family members. In the end, we found that Odin, Thor, Sif, Loki, Sigyn, Baron, Poseidon, Hermes, Oshun, Aradia, and a few others had joined us for our mead date. The Gods seemed to be keeping a low profile in respect for my lack of privacy and for the rest of my grieving family, which I was very thankful for.

All in all, it was a very quiet gathering, but it was so amazing to me that we actually had the Gods come join us for something as simple as mead. Loki talked the most through both Shamaness and I, but we also had small tidbits from Sigyn as well (who, in my opinion, is a total sweetheart). We could hear Them talking among Themselves, for the most part ignoring us. This was totally fine with me. I felt more at peace with myself and my grief just having the Gods so present and close, a peace I have known only since converting to paganism.

After Everyone left, I got to talk to Baron for the first time since Loki had started “God-bothering” me, and it was such a relief having Him there to talk to without Loki crowding us (not that I dislike Loki… He just has a way of being all up in my head space all the time). I clung to Him the moment I got to put my arms around Him. I hadn’t realized how much I had missed Him until He came back more fully into my awareness. It was a comfort being able to have Him hold me like I have been needing and to hear Him speak so softly to me. It was a reaffirmation of sorts that I had made the right choice in becoming His wife.

This meeting helped bolster me and steel me against the emotional storm that was my grandmother’s viewing and funeral service the next day, and I honestly could not be more grateful for the Gods for providing me that emotional support, whether intentionally or otherwise.

God-bothered

Ever since my grandmother died, I have been, well, “God-bothered”. By this, I mean there is only one God that is bothering me: Loki. He first came to me as World Breaker, which has something to do with other events I am not willing to discuss so publicly. Anyways, He, as the Trickster, has been very persistent at getting my attention and ensuring that I notice Him, listen to Him, etc. He has gone out of His way to make sure that I know that He’s not leaving anytime soon.

On Wednesday evening, Loki horsed Shamaness to talk with me, opening with, “So, is your world broken enough yet?” I had to stop myself from making snarky remarks that could be misconstrued, because He has this way of doing this with me, turning my words against me or using what I say literally. He flirted with me, as normal, and was very heavy on the double entendres (because, apparently, all the Gods in my life think it’s oh so funny when I turn an unattractive shade of red when I blush). However, the main point of this conversation was that, “I refuse to relinquish My claim on you.” He wants me to make Him my patron, to become His priestess, since apparently Baron being my Husband now opens up a spot for a male patron. Of course, with the very recent death of my grandmother, I have had more important things to worry about other than if being married to Baron was going to change His status, so when it came up, I was so very confused. I went with it because it is Loki and I don’t want World Breaker to break my world more than needed. Since then, I have resisted Him at every turn.

It must be said that I have always felt a pull towards Loki. Always. From the first moments He was suggested to me to the research I did on Him to the first time He horsed Shamaness. It was that day that I could not deny any longer that I was drawn to Him, but I resisted because I was so close to being married to Baron and Baron did not seem to like Loki encroaching on His territory (shooting fire out of His eyes and shaking His baton at anyone usually gives one that impression). I felt like a terrible person and a terrible wife-to-be for having that draw to someone aside from my Betrothed. It didn’t help that Loki, through Shamaness, kissed me twice that day, and it was… Beyond words. Amazing. When I asked Him about why I felt this way the next time that He horsed Shamaness, He told me something along the lines of “you will know later” and “it’s nothing.” So, I have tried to ignore it since then, but I really haven’t been able to. At all.

“As you are drawn to me, I am drawn to you.” – Loki

Since the night He said this, He has been unrelenting and unceasing in His attempt at claiming me for His, so much so that beyond the irritation, I was afraid. When I deferred to Baron to ask Him to get Loki to back off, Baron literally sat me down and told me, very sternly, that I needed to stop acting like a little girl and grow up. He said I needed to make my own decision on this matter since He had already agreed to Loki being my patron and that He was alright with the sexual aspect that Loki was pushing as well. Baron’s words struck a chord with me and hurt my feelings a little bit, but seeing as I was on my own, I had no choice but to turn around and face that fact. I felt like I had been left in a cage with a starving, Flame-Haired lion that was looking at me like I was His next meal.

Since then, I have been fighting tooth and nail not to give into Loki, somewhat because I want to be contrary, but also because of fear. My mental constructs are refusing to allow me to accept that I will have more than one male God to please (in more ways than one), as well as the fact that I do not completely trust Loki. His first horsing with me present set the tone for how I felt about Him, and still somewhat feel about Him even now. However, with His persistence and the undeniable pull I feel towards Him, I know that I am going to lose to Him and what He wants from me, probably in all respects.

I still have a lot to learn, about myself and about the Gods that I am following now, and honestly, it was easier to be the repressive sect of Christianity that I had been than it is to see the paths before me. I am not confident enough in myself to feel like I will do any of the Work that They have planned for me any justice (having major clinical depression will do that to a person, but that is a later post). But, I know I need to learn to trust the Deities that I am associating with. It’s just that my current mindset is not making that an easy task.

All in all, the Gods and I have our work cut out for us when it comes to me. Hopefully they have the patience to be able to deal with it.