Fear Seeking

It’s that time of the year again, when everything/everyone in my life seems to be preparing for Halloween and the Days of the Dead. This feeling has come to me for two years now, this feeling of gearing up for something, whether it be for the the aforementioned holidays or something else, and this presents itself in me as the need to watch scary TV shows or movies. At first, it’s just a tiny niggling feeling at the back of my mind, this need, but then it grows and grows and grows until I can’t deny it anymore. So, I seek out shows like “Ghost Hunters” or movies about ghosts (no other scary topic eases the feeling), and I watch the heck out of them. This year, so far it’s Ghost Hunters, whereas last year it was Ghost Hunters International and some other random horror movies. However, I’m incredibly sensitive to these topics, as they effect me very strongly in a negative way. These movies and topics absolutely terrify me, but I can’t help but to watch them even though they give me nightmares and make me paranoid af. Because of this, I really, really hate horror movies and scary shows.

Last year, my fear was ratcheted up until I couldn’t go outside at night or go to sleep while the sun was down. I started to see shadows, see things in the shadows, and feel like I was being watched. This year, the process has started a little earlier than last year, and I’ve been having that terror begin creeping in earlier and higher than before. It makes me feel like I’m being prepared for something, but I can only guess as to what it is.

One guess is that my people, the Ghede, want to desensitize me to them, seeing as they might present as disembodied entities. I know that my people want to be closer to me and for me to get to know them, but my fear of them makes me keep them at a distance. It’s hard for me to let them get close to me when the very idea of them in my physical presence when I cannot see them fills me with absolute terror. Obviously, a Khaleesi shouldn’t be afraid of her people, and I want to get over this fear, which might be why this is happening.

Another guess is that has something to do with maybe the Wild Hunt. However, seeing as I have little to no knowledge on Them, I couldn’t even begin to guess why that would be or what Their motivations would be in any case.

I don’t know why I have these, well, urges. I don’t know what it means; I only know how to ease it. It’s hard for me to do much exploration about this subject because it causes such fear in me. I’ve had so many experiences with ghosts and the paranormal since I was a young child. I assume this is because my people recognized me for who I would become (their Khaleesi) or because I was sensitive to their presence(s). In any case, I’ve been so scared of ghosts/the paranormal/things-I-can’t-see-but-are-there my whole life for whatever reason, and it’s ever present, always there. All in all, I just wish I knew why I have these feelings and what I can do to make it go away in a more permanent way. I wish I knew what I am being prepared for so that I could actually prepare for it rather than just flailing around, scared in the dark. (Although, I’m being Told that, “You’re going to flail regardless, My dear.” *chuckle*)

This was a really random post about what’s going on in my life now. If anyone out there has any suggestions, maybe has an idea, or even has had a similar experience, please feel free to comment or email me. I’m really committed to figuring this out. I recognize that this is probably a symptom of a bigger issue, so I’m eager to figure what that is. For now, though, I guess I will have to just have to deal with this the best I can: binge-watching Ghost Hunters, giving myself nightmares, and leaving almost all the lights on all night.

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Travelling, Trancing, and Mawwage

It’s been a while since I seriously sat down to write a post here. This is for a number of reasons, but I will keep it short and sweet: I have not had the spoons or the attention span to sit and finish anything. I went off my meds in December, which was no picnic, and in the time since, I have been relearning how to person, which is no easy process. I had forgotten what it was like to have all of my emotions unmuted, full-volume, and in the interim while I figured myself out, I had to deal with life as well. I’ve felt as if I haven’t had anything spiritually happening since December, and since this blog is not for my mundane life, I have been absent. For that, I am sorry.

Only a few things have happened that warrant mention here. The first is that I celebrated, albeit quietly, my second year anniversary with my Husband, Baron. I’m as surprised as anyone that I have managed to be married this long to A/anyone, but I am happy and as much in love with Him, if not more in love with him than I have ever been. So, here’s to another happy year of mawwage. *toasts*

Another thing I have been up to spiritually is the learning of boundaries and limits. (This will be a life-long learning thing, I can tell.) As you may know, I formally pledged myself to my people recently as their Queen/Khaleesi (they prefer to call me the latter), and since that day, I have worn a ring to signal to them and myself when I am “on” and “off” duty. I have worn it everyday since I made my pledge for the entirety of my waking hours and some of my sleeping ones, too. Well, as you can imagine, it takes A LOT of spoons to be “on duty” all of the time, and I have recently been advised to take a break. I say advised, when really I should say Told, but I prefer to think that I actually had some choice in the matter. I was reminded very gently that Baron is also our people’s King, and that I should remember that I am a human with a fragile body and even more fragile mind. It was also mentioned that this is a partnership, which means that it’s not as if my people are solely dependent on me. We’ll see how well this lesson takes root in my mind. It’s still a work in progress.

Yet another spiritual thing that has happened to me in my absence is that I was able to trance (sort of). I was on my way to visit a friend for New Years, and after I had finished reading “American Gods” by Neil Gaiman (which was phenomenal, by the way), I sort of tranced out, connecting with Odin. He told me that there is a sort of power being in transit from one place to another, and for wanderers like U/us, there is a way to tap into that energy. I apparently was able to do just that because I was able to *be* with Odin in a way that I have never really experienced before. I was like that for hours, fully awake, but not present in my body. It was an odd feeling. When I arrived at my destination, I had trouble reconnecting with my humanity, with my body. I realize now I should have grounded myself when I arrived, but there hadn’t been time to do it. It was just a weird feeling all together. It was like I shed my humanity, was a higher form of being for a short while. Something that had better insight than my human self had, something that was beyond the simple needs of humanity. I don’t know exactly what happened or who I was then, but it wasn’t human. I’m not sure my description of the feeling even makes sense, but I don’t have any reference. If any of you know more about this or have any resources, please let me know.

Anyways, yeah. This has been my life. I’m going to go to bed now. Night!

Revelations

There have been some revelations for me recently, and I have had to sit with them for a while to get accustomed to them. Some parts are easier to sit with than others, but I’ve needed to brew over them to fully understand the implications. I’ve also debated whether or not I should even talk about them on here for fear that there might be some who don’t agree with what I say. However, since I have adopted the phrase “open and honest communication”, I think it would be best to keep that promise to myself to be as honest as I can be. Otherwise, what’s the point of sharing my story and my Path? So, without further ado, here are the revelations that I have had recently.

Revelation 1: I am Odin’s daughter.
Talk about a brick to the head this one was. I’ve mentioned before that I am the daughter of Sekhmet, but I have always known that, somewhere, I had a spiritual Father as well. I just didn’t know Who. I don’t remember exactly how this admission from Odin came about, but when He told me, I didn’t doubt what He said for a second. It rang so true to me that I think I surprised all of my Gods with how easily I took the information and didn’t question it like I normally do… Well, I had one question: Odin and Sekhmet? I still haven’t figured that one out. I feared telling anyone what I had discovered because I feared people would disbelieve me, UPG police me, mock me, or, worst of all, tell me that I was crazy and making things up. I am proud to be a daughter of Odin, just as I am proud to be a daughter of Sekhmet, and I am beyond happy that I can “keep” Odin in my life, so to speak. 🙂

Revelation 2: I now run with the Wild Hunt.
Before I knew I was Odin’s daughter, I had begun to see signs of other spirits coming into my life. At first it was subtle, but it soon progressed to pure terror. I would see things moving in the shadows; I had an unholy terror of the dark that I had never had before; and I felt, more than ever before, that I was being watched. I lived in terror of the night and the dark for weeks, to the point where I would not go out after dark for any reason. This terror triggered the very intense fight or flight instinct in me, but I also felt that I could never outrun the darkness, and the darkness felt so large and all-consuming that I was stuck in fear. Yet, the dark didn’t attack me or move towards me. Instead, it asked me to join it, to run with it. To ride with it. I decided to ask for Help, and I was Told to go to Odin. It didn’t take long for me to connect the dots that the Wild Hunt was asking me, as the daughter of Odin AND the Khaleesi of the Ghede, to join the Hunt. After pushing aside my utter terror, I realized that the things I was seeing and the spirits that were around me were merely curious about me, as this was the first time I had been acknowledged by Odin. Knowing that the Hunt meant me no harm, I accepted the invitation to join the Wild Hunt, and from now until who knows when, the Ghede and I shall ride alongside the Hunt.

Revelation 3: Who I am bodily is the same as who I am spiritually.
This may seem like a no-brainer to most anyone else, but because I struggle with body image issues and a depression that makes me not like myself on the best of days, I have always operated under the assumption that my soul, my spirit, is very different from who I am bodily (including my personality). So, learning and having to sit with the fact that the only real difference between the two is the effect of my brain chemistry on my body, has been difficult at best. In fact, it makes me feel a lot worse in many respects because I always held out the hope that when I moved to my “life” as a Goddess, that I would somehow be more, better than I am now. Yes, in many ways I will be more and better, being a Goddess will do that, but I will still be me, and it depresses me. I dislike myself that much. I struggle with this, even with the constant reassurances from my Husbands and the other Deities in my life that I am loved just as I am. This will probably be something that I work on for the rest of my life and a daily struggle. So, it may be much longer for this one to sit comfortably with me, if it ever gets that far.

Revelation 4: Baron Kriminel is another face of Baron Samedi.
I had read in some places during my initial research of Baron/the Loa that some believe that all of the Barons were actually just different faces of the same Being. I hadn’t really believed that until recently. In fact, I have pretty much made it my business to avoid Baron Kriminel at all costs because He scares the living crap out of me. His initial impression on me was less than favourable, so to hear Him tell me that He loves me and that my Marriage vows to Baron Samedi apply to him and all of the other Barons as well… I actually wasn’t surprised so much as confused. I mean, considering my previous encounters with Kriminel, I never thought he was capable of liking someone, let alone loving someone. He tells me, though, that He never wished to hide what He is from me and that I needed to know what He and all of the other Deities are capable of: the good and the bad. I have been incredibly lucky that my experiences with spirits and Deities have mostly been good. With Kriminel, though, not so much, and I accept that. His face serves a purpose (to deliver justice to those who have wronged others). Even though He has been abrasive at best with me, thus far, I also accept that His role in my life serves a purpose, too. I am not ready to discuss this purpose yet, but I accept Him as He is, and He accepts me as I am as well. I can’t say this will be a smooth sailing kind of relationship, but I hope, in the end, all works out well.

These are the four revelations I have had in recent weeks, and as I am coming into myself more and more, taking on more responsibility as a daughter of Gods and as a Khaleesi to a great band of spirits, I feel myself growing in personal power. I can feel it unfurling within me. It’s a heady feeling, and I am fairly sure that this is just the beginning of something huge that is going to happen in my life, but we’ll see.

Halloween and Los Dias de los Muertos

I decided earlier this year that I would honor my Khalisar (the Ghede, if you are so inclined), during the three day interval of Halloween and the Days of the Dead. The first two days I would honor my Khalisar and the last I would honor my beloved Baron, Whom is traditionally honored on this day. I couldn’t do much this year because I had work, but I did what I could to live up to my promise to my people, as their Khaleesi and as a Wife of Gods.

I lit white candles and burned incense; I left an offering of alcohol for them; and on the final day, I made a huge meal and shared it with them. A friend of mine, Canadian, was with me for the last day of my celebrations, so it made it a little difficult to celebrate as I would have wanted because he is a staunch atheist and snarks at most religious observances. I was assured, though, that my offerings of food and the burning of candles pleased my people and my Gods, so I couldn’t be happier.

Because this was an experimental holiday for me, I have some things I would like to change for next year, but I will continue to ponder on what is feasible for me when the time comes.

My Holidays

So, I have been a Pagan for almost two years now, and I still have yet to make a holiday schedule in honor of my Gods. There are a million reason as to why this is, but it has been a terribly difficult two years for me. However, since I am on “vacation” between jobs, I have been thinking about bigger ways to honor my Gods and my people, which means I have made tentative plans on holidays for myself, in addition to anniversaries and such. Here is what I have been thinking about:

1) New Year: One very big Shinto tradition is the tradition of going to a shrine for New Year in order to ask for favor in the new year. It is also customary to do go through the house and do major cleaning (not unlike Spring cleaning) to symbolically clean up the previous year’s dirt in order to have a clean slate for the new year. One part I intend to add to this for my own benefit is to ritually clean myself so I, too, may have a clean start.

2) Beltane/May Day

3) Midsummer/Summer Solstice

4) Obon: This holiday is the Japanese holiday that celebrates/honors the familial dead. Since my practice involves working with the dead, I would like to use this holiday to honor those that are not only my familial dead, but also the spirits I am Queen over (<===more on this later). 

5) Halloween/Day of the Dead: This is to honor Baron and the Ghede. This will also serve as my Paganniversay as well.

6) Yule/Christmas

So far, this is all I have, and it’s not totally fleshed out just yet, but when I know more about how the Gods wish me to celebrate in addition to what I can do for these holidays (I feel pretty limited by being in Japan, to be honest), I will write it here. 🙂

The New Schedule

Since I have been posting pretty emotional posts lately, I thought I would take a moment to talk briefly about something not so heavy. I have recently imposed a new schedule for my Deities, so that Everyone gets Their fair share of my time and mental space. This was partly (read mostly) because a Deity or Two (*cough* Loki *cough*) decided to Kanye all the days and make it nearly impossible for me to devote any time at all to the Others that I have in my own personal pantheon. Thus, the imposition of a schedule, as follows.

Sunday: Ladies Only Day (Oshun, Sigyn, Sekhmet, Lilith, etc.)
Monday: Loki
Tuesday: Poseidon
Wednesday: Odin
Thursday: Susano
Friday: Ancestors/Ghede
Saturday: Baron

Yes, there are Deities on my schedule for the week that I have not talked about here. When S/He has something that S/He wishes for me to share, I will do so. Also, I may add that Lady!Loki likes to crash Ladies’ Day, and World-Breaker just comes by whenever. It doesn’t necessarily render my schedule useless; it just helps me be reminded that Loki has no boundaries and to just be flexible (actually a pretty hard thing for me to do).

So, there it is, my new schedule. Hopefully this one will stick this time.