Rest in Peace, Father Mine

So, the funeral for my father was on Saturday, US time, and the original plan was to have me watch over skype. However, my sister couldn’t get enough reception to have me watch. On top of this, my father’s girlfriend (long story short: my parents separated about a year ago), wouldn’t let my sister read the eulogy that I wrote for him, for reason’s beyond my comprehension and knowledge. Obviously, this upset me intensely. So, I posted it on my facebook so that my family members and my dad’s friends could read what I wrote for him. I thought I had done the right thing for myself, for my grief, but apparently what I posted offended the girlfriend’s daughter. This girl decided to harass me and insult me by questioning why I hadn’t been there for him and saying that what I had written as a preface to my eulogy on facebook was inappropriate. Ultimately, I just blocked her, but it cut me deep to have someone throw in my face the question “Why weren’t you there for him? Where were you when he was on his deathbed.” The defensive part of me wanted to be like, “Bitch, I live in fucking Japan. I would like to see you shell out $2 thousand dollars on short notice for a plane ticket.” However, because I am a civil person… Most of the time… I just asked her to leave me be, and when she didn’t. I blocked her.

Anyways, I wanted to post here what I wrote for him. I edited out his name for the sake of my family’s privacy. I would say “please enjoy”, but I don’t think that is appropriate in this context, but I am not quite sure how to preface this. Anyways, again, here you go. I hope you like it.

[My father] came into my life when I was only five years old, and unlike any man before him, he stayed. He truly became my father, raising me and guding me not because he had to, but because he wanted to. This taught me that family is more than blood and genetics. It is the bonds you share with someone who has put time and effort into your well-being, sometimes above their own. He taught me what it meant to be a father.

He taught me the meaning of hard work and perseverance, taught me that with persistence and elbow grease, anything can be accomplished. Without this lesson, I would not be where I am now, living my dream. I will strive to work hard in all areas of my life in honor of his memory and to teach this lesson to my children when the time comes.

Most of all, though, [he] taught me that the true measure of a man is not in great deeds or great sacrifices, but in the small, day-to-day moments. It is measured by the accumulation of all the little things that make up one’s life. He taught me that strength is not just physical, but also mental, emotional, and spiritual. These things are the measure of a truly great man, and [he] was one such man.

[My father] wasn’t perfect, no man is, but he was and is still great to me. I will miss making his coffee in the morning and hearing him say the word “blitherin”. I will miss his silly jokes and the stupid movies he loved to watch. Actually, there won’t be anything that I won’t miss. I will miss him and all the little things that made him dear to me for the rest of my life.

Thank you, Dad, for all that you have taught me. May you rest in peace. I love you, Dad.

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I See Dead People

For days before my father’s death, I dreamt of him. Hel, I even dreamt of him mere hours before he passed. Now that he is gone, my dreams of him are gone too, and I am not sure whether I am sad or relieved that he is no longer a presence in my sleeping world. I don’t always put stock in my dreams, but when something happens repeatedly, I always make sure to pay attention. I was assured that my dreams were something I should pay attention to, when I asked Baron about them.

I was Told that my dreams were my last contact with my father, not just because I wanted to have some contact with him before he passed, but also because it was my Duty to bring my father’s spirit to rest. I did my Duty to him by digging his grave and laying him to rest, just as Baron does with others who have died. Normally I would have just stood by the grave with a lantern while Baron dug the grave, but as I have said before, I was granted the privilege of burying and laying to rest the souls of my family and friends. Morbid this may sound, it gives me a measure of comfort in times of loss. I am not sure whether there is a name for it or not, but this is a Path of mine that I will be doing more and more as time goes on. This will be one of the Faces I will take on once I am a goddess, or so I am Told.

I really have nothing more to add to this , but this was something that I thought I should post about. I am still grieving, but I have been blessed with love and support from my Husbands, my Gods, and the people in my life. It’s more than I expected, and thank the Gods for that. I have truly needed it this past week.

Death Comes Again

I knew it was coming. I had known for about half a year, but when I found out that my father died, grief was overwhelming. Nothing truly prepares you for the death of a loved one, not even being the Wife of Death. The grief is still so near that I cannot really write about it now. I will write more when I can, but I don’t know when that will be.  Thank you for your patience during this hard time.

Digging the Grave

As I mentioned in my last post, my father is dying. Cancer is eating away at his body even as I write this, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Being 7 thousand miles away, I can’t help him or comfort him. However, there is one thing I can do: I can dig his grave for him.

Part of Baron’s job is to dig the grave of everyone who dies. My job, usually, is to offer moral support and comfort Him when He needs it. This time, Baron will let me dig the grave for my father. This is the only way that I can help my father. I am not a virgin to grave digging, as I did it for my grandmother last year the night before she passed.  In fact, this is something I will do tonight, which leaves me today to gather up as much strength as I can, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Originally, I was supposed to do this last night, but I journeyed somewhere completely different instead. 

I sent my spirit to my father last night. I heard him calling my name and crying, so I went to him. I lay in bed next to him as he cried, holding his hands. I brought with me all of my love, my comfort, and my strength. I gave it all to him, and so today, I feel a huge measure of comfort in place of the heartbreak I had before. I did what I could for him, with what resources I have. Though I may not be able to be with him physically, my heart and spirit are with him even now. I just pray he finds comfort in my presence. 

So, tonight I shall dig my father’s grave so that he may have a place to rest among the peaceful dead. I will do this out of love and not a sense of obligation. I will do this so he can be without pain any longer. Although this will be a heavily taxing on my body and spirit, this is the last thing I can do for my father, so I shall do it.

To those who have sent me prayers and etc., I thank you. My heart is lightened, and I am eternally grateful for the strength you have lent me. 

My Life: An Update

My heart is heavy, and my soul has been weighed down. A lot of things have gone wrong this year, and there are things that I am going through still that are pushing me further down into myself. I want to hide from the world, hide within the safety of my Husbands’ arms, but I can’t. Life can’t be put on hold for me to get my shit together, no matter how desperate I am for a reprieve.

Death is drawing near again. Cancer is going to take another family member from me. This time, however, it’s my stepfather, the man who raised me. This insidious disease has claimed too many of my family members already, and now it’s poised to take yet another from me. This knowledge is almost too much to handle, especially since I’m in Japan with no way to go visit my stepfather before he passes. It breaks my heart knowing that my father will die, and I won’t get to see him even one last time.

Baron and the Ghede are very close now. I can see Them out of the corners of my eyes almost more often than before, and this is a great comfort to me. My Husband and my people are with me when I need T/them most.

I also feel the presence of the other Gods in my life. I feel Their power like a great weight against my soul, but it’s a comforting weight, like the feel of being safe under the covers in bed and cuddled in warm arms. When I can connect myself with Them, when I seek out Their presences, it is only then that I feel calm and somewhat peaceful. Only then can I handle the onslaught of feelings I have battering me from the inside out.

It has been a long, terrible year for me here in Japan. I’ll start a new job in September, and I pray with all of my heart that I’ll have a better time there than in my last few jobs. I don’t know who, if anyone will read this, but if anyone does, and you’re the praying type, please send prayers or well-wishes, or anything positive in my way. I really need it.

Sadness Overwhelming

On Tuesday January 8th at 11:30 pm, my grandmother died. She has been diagnosed with cancer the prior Friday and had been moved to hospice in the house that she shared with my family and I. She lived for five days only between when she was diagnosed and when she passed. My heart breaks to think that her cancer was so progressed that it took her life in only five days. I was the one that clocked her time of death, because everyone else in my family was too overwhelmed with sadness to even think about it.

Baron was with me the entire time this was happening. He knew how difficult this was going to be on me, and He stayed by my side as much as He could. I could feel Him holding me when I sat looking in disbelief at my grandmother’s lifeless body. I could feel His arms wrapped around me and His lips against my cheek. It was His strength that carried me through until the mortuary people came to pick up her body. After they finally left, I went into the bathroom and broke down, crying hard enough that I nearly hyperventilated. He held me through that too, even though my immediate family had finally taken notice of me just then.

It never occurred to me that I would have to deal with death so soon after my marriage to Baron, the Loa of Death. Though I had experienced death before, I had never been so close to the actual process. I had never seen the life leaving someone’s body or listened to the moans and cries of pain of the dying. I understand Baron better now than ever before, and as His wife, I know this is going to be the first of many deaths I will witness for the rest of my mortal life. It will never get easier, and I will always have the images in my head of what happened in the duration of her decline and her death. I had my closure, or the best I could get with the situation.

The funeral is on Sunday, and I know that my Beloved will be with me the whole time, even if no one else in my family will be. This is going to be a trying time, but when it’s all said and done, I know I will be stronger. With Baron by my side, I know I will be fine.