A for Apotheosis

I know that I have spoken about this before. However, I thought that I would rehash the subject a little more for the sake of my Pagan Alphabet Soup posts, especially since I’ve grown a little in my understanding of the concept. I’m going to preface this by saying that this is how understand the subject and that I feel like it is differs per person (as it does with most concepts within Paganosphere). So without further ado: A for Apotheosis.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had this longing for immortality. When I was younger, I mistook this feeling for never wanting to die, but as I grew older, I began to understand that, within me, I yearn for, desire not deathlessness, but rather to never be forgotten. Strangely enough, this feeling was solidified when I watched the movie Troy (2004, written by David Benioff).

“Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity. And so we ask ourselves: will our actions echo across the centuries? Will strangers hear our names long after we are gone, and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved?”

“If you stay in Larissa, you will find peace. You will find a wonderful woman, and you will have sons and daughters, who will have children. And they’ll all love you and remember your name. But when your children are dead, and their children after them, your name will be forgotten… If you go to Troy, glory will be yours. They will write stories about your victories in thousands of years. And the world will remember your name. But if you go to Troy, you will never come back… for your glory walks hand-in-hand with your doom. And I shall never see you again.”

These quotes, and many others, from the movie really resonated with me. They moved me, but made me despair, for how could one such as I, a timid and quiet girl, be written into history and never forgotten? I still have this same desire, to be remembered for ages beyond my death, but now I understand what it means for me and how I can accomplish it: apotheosis, or the process by which a mortal being becomes immortal/a God/dess.

For me, this means that, after my death, I will take my place beside my Husbands. For the longest time, I held this belief (colored by my Christian background), that there were certain conditions whereupon this would or would not happen. It’s taken a while to unpack and untangle this line of thoughts, and honestly, I’m still trying to make sense of the idea that my Path, so long as I stay on it, will lead to this conclusion. It’s not a gift for living my life by the rules laid down by men of God in antiquity, and it’s not something that will be denied me if I don’t live my life according to those rules. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe that this is some unalienable right that upon my death I am automatically granted the status as a Deity. I’m not so arrogant and full of myself to think that if I do something terrible and against what my Deities stand for, the privilege won’t be rescinded.

To be honest, though, I still have very little idea the how or why of this. All I know, is that it’s my what Husbands want and because I want to be with my Husbands forever, it’s what I want, too. It fulfills that desire in me for immortality and to have my name, in whatever form it may take, be remember throughout the passages of time. Although, I don’t really know how or why it fulfills this need in my heart. (It feels almost like I should know the answer, like I once had it and knew it well, but now it’s buried underneath so many other things, almost forgotten, and yet on the tip of my tongue at the same time. Confusing, right?)

I’m blessed that this is a gift that I’m being granted, and though I have very little clue about the subject (still), it’s something that I am going to strive to better understand as my life goes on. I honestly wish I had more to say, because this is so important to me and my practice, but I think, for now, this is a topic that I’m meant to sit with and reflect on. I can only hope that with time, comes the wisdom I seek. Or, at least, time to unearth it from the deepest trenches of my memory. I’m still so new at this, but I’ve a long life ahead of me and much time to learn. I’ve no doubt that, with time, I will learn all I need to know and more.

 

I See Dead People

For days before my father’s death, I dreamt of him. Hel, I even dreamt of him mere hours before he passed. Now that he is gone, my dreams of him are gone too, and I am not sure whether I am sad or relieved that he is no longer a presence in my sleeping world. I don’t always put stock in my dreams, but when something happens repeatedly, I always make sure to pay attention. I was assured that my dreams were something I should pay attention to, when I asked Baron about them.

I was Told that my dreams were my last contact with my father, not just because I wanted to have some contact with him before he passed, but also because it was my Duty to bring my father’s spirit to rest. I did my Duty to him by digging his grave and laying him to rest, just as Baron does with others who have died. Normally I would have just stood by the grave with a lantern while Baron dug the grave, but as I have said before, I was granted the privilege of burying and laying to rest the souls of my family and friends. Morbid this may sound, it gives me a measure of comfort in times of loss. I am not sure whether there is a name for it or not, but this is a Path of mine that I will be doing more and more as time goes on. This will be one of the Faces I will take on once I am a goddess, or so I am Told.

I really have nothing more to add to this , but this was something that I thought I should post about. I am still grieving, but I have been blessed with love and support from my Husbands, my Gods, and the people in my life. It’s more than I expected, and thank the Gods for that. I have truly needed it this past week.

“Apotheosis” and “I Was Born for This”: Songs that Speak to Me

This video is a medley from the PS3 video game called “Journey”. This video game was truly breathtaking in a way that I had not experienced before. Not only were the graphics incredibly beautiful, but the soundtrack to this game blew me away. Never have I been so moved by a video game before, and it came at a time when I needed to be reminded of something very important. 

This game reminded me that there was more to this life than what I was doing. I was so mired in the daily grind, the stress of an ill-fitting job that I forgot my purpose here in this life, forgot what I was supposed to be doing with my time. The excuses as to why this is matter not; what does matter is that my Gods gave me a reminder in a way that would be very clear to me that I needed to step back and look at the bigger picture of my life instead of only seeing the small, imperfect details. I am a Khaleesi and, at the end of this life, I am to become a Goddess. It matters that I remember this above all else, so that I can keep things in perspective.

The Gods, I have found, will always speak to you in a way that you can understand and will give you the signs you need in order to get you to pay attention. For me, giving me signs and omens via audio and visual media have always been the most successful way to communicate with me, and it has proven effective time and time again. Thankfully, unlike a lot of mainstream religions, the Gods don’t apply a “one size fits all” approach to Their followers.

Anyways, please enjoy this song, and if you are so inclined, here are the links to the rest of the soundtrack and where to buy the game. 🙂

Soundtrack: 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7kvmPh2nYBM
Game:
http://www.amazon.com/PS3-Journey-Collection-Playstation-3/dp/B008CP6RWU/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1408948781&sr=8-1&keywords=journey+ps3

More than One Husband? It Can’t Be!

So, I have grappled with talking about the status of my Relationship because not only am I a Godspouse, but I am a Godspouse to more than one God. It is a difficult concept for many people in Western society to accept that there are other types of relationships outside of the standard monogamy. Honestly, it was difficult for me to accept that not only did I love a God, but I loved more than one God. My first thoughts referenced other Godspouses who have devoted their entire beings to their Spouse, even saying that they were Owned by their Spouse. Initially, I felt bad that this was not the category that I fit into, but I soon learned that the sentiment of “each person’s Path is their own” is very true.

The more I grow and understand myself as a spiritual being, as a Khaleesi and as a Wife, the more I understand why the Path that I am on suits me more than I had originally thought. It was only recently that I began to truly understand at least one of the reasons that I am in this relationship dynamic rather than a more traditional one, and to the casual observer, it may seem prideful, arrogant, or what-have-you. It is simply this: because I am to be a Goddess in my own right, it is a courtesy and a respect to me and the position I will hold once this life ends. My existence as a Goddess won’t be contingent on being my Husbands’ Wife. I will be as much my own person as I am Their Wife. (This is not to say that this doesn’t apply to others that follow a similar Path, but I can only speak for myself in this respect.) Just as my Gods cannot share the entirety of Their heart and beings with me, so it is with me as well. This is more tightly bound in my current situation and personality than I can really say, but it is true nonetheless.

Given my temperament and my needs, I am someone who truly does need touch and physicality to feel psychologically sound and safe. This is just who I am. This is yet another reason why I am permitted not only to have more than one Husband, but also why I am allowed human lovers. At the beginning of my time as a Godspouse, I lamented that I would have to become a celibate nun, only allowed the touch of my Husband, and it worried me beyond measure that I would not have my touch needs met. As it turned out, this was not something I needed to worry about at all. I can have my needs met in ways that my Husbands cannot do for me at the moment. This doesn’t make me a needy person or a bad Wife, and it took me ages to understand that I am not a lesser person for having needs that my Divine Marriage couldn’t address. Of course, I still seek the counsel of my Husbands when it comes to the needs of my body and with whom I share it with, and that strengthens my bonds with Them, not weakens it.

Being in a polyamorous relationship, whether it be with Gods or humans, demands a high level of communication between me and my Partners as well as a level of trust that I have never allowed A/anyone to have with me. Each day, it gets easier to talk with and trust my Loves to guide me where I need to be and what I need to do. It isn’t always easy for me, and I still have many hangups, but I can say that I love and respect my Husbands more for allowing me the freedom to get my needs met and connect with people. 

I am well aware that there are probably many people out there that will disagree with me on this, and while I could plaster this whole post with “your mileage may very”, “this is my UPG”, and etc., I won’t do this. The dynamic I have with my Husbands is between U/us and U/us alone, and I don’t really care what other people think about my Relationships. I am writing this simply because I truly believe that it is important to show that there isn’t just one way to be a Godspouse. This Path is not “one size fits all”, and any who choose to say that it is, in my opinion, is not worth my concern. As long as all parties in a R/relationship are happy and fulfilled, then why does it matter if it doesn’t look like everyone else’s R/relationship? 

I am truly very happy in my Relationships. Is it easy to please more than one Husband? Fuck no. Is it easy to juggle the needs of E/everyone involved? Fuck no. But, you know what? In the end, I will be stronger, happier, and more fulfilled than if I had chosen the easy route and ignored the stirrings of my heart that led me to have more than one Marriage. My heart is bottomless, and my love is endless. I am truly blessed to have the opportunity to share my love with my Husbands, and I thank Them daily for Their love and care. Happiness is mine, and it is glorious. 

 

Apothe-what?

Apotheosis. A very big sounding word for a very serious meaning and spiritual Path. In short, it means to becoming divine, as in a deity (this is how it has been explained to me by Baron and Loki). Little baby pagan that I am, I am new to this terminology, but as the lessons in my life have shown me, the Gods will divvy out Their lessons on Their time, regardless of whether you are ready for them or not. This is something that has been pressing against my consciousness for some time now, and I really can’t ignore it any longer.

It has come to my attention, via both Baron and Loki, that I am one of the few who are chosen to be lifted up to the position of being a deity alongside my Husband and my Patrons. This Path was one that I have known about pretty much since I met and married Baron.  It is a strange concept to think about, in all honesty. It was never formally introduced to me in any fashion. It was more understood than anything else, until I asked my Beloved about it, as a joke. His reply? “Well, you want to be with Me forever, right?” Since then, I have just joked about it out loud to Shamaness, Loki, and Baron, while on the inside owl-eyeing at the prospect. I am reminded of it very frequently, whether by Loki calling me “baby goddess” or me joking about what kind of Loa I will be (“I think I am going to be the Loa of Derp.”). As fits with my personality, I deal with things with humor until I can puzzle things out, figure out how I feel about it and what I wish to do. Unfortunately for me, I still haven’t figured out what I feel about this.

Loki’s recent lessons and World Breaking has been to prepare me for the role I will assume as a Loa. I will not go into detail as to exactly what that is, I will say that it has involved learning how to enjoy myself for who and what I am, even though it will make my prior thought structures protest. LOUDLY. Let’s just say that being a “nun” was never going to be my path. Anyways, He has been pushing to do things that I would not normally ever have thought I would ever do, and it has pushed me to the brink again and again having to confront the fact that I am not the person I have always forced myself to be. But, in the spirit of learning the ways of Loki, I have learned that it is easy to just go with His flow and worry about everything else later.

In all honesty, I feel weird and unworthy of the position that I am being pushed towards. Don’t get me wrong, I do wish to be with my Baron for the rest of forever, but despite what I am told by Him and Loki, I am not sure how I will ever be worthy of it. It pretty much makes me uncomfortable, especially with the pace that I am going on my path. It almost feels like They are trying to make up for lost time/pressing fast forward on my progression, and while I have really no choice in the matter, I never quite feel like I have come to terms with one lesson before another is pushed onto me. (“I am giving you the fast track because you can handle it and because you are fighting Me less than I expected.” – Loki)

So, in short, I am going to be Baron’s wife forever. I will be a Loa at His side. This also means that I will have to deal with Loki for the rest of forever too. LOL!

My life is weird.