Sometimes I am Dense

For the longest time back in 2013, I had an obsession with a song that persisted for days. I had only been in Japan for about a month or so when this song crawled inside my head and wouldn’t go away. I listened to it for hours and hours, but it wouldn’t leave my head no matter what. It took about a month before I actually understood that this song was a message to me, and that this message would be blared louder and louder until I understood what it meant.

This was the time when I was being courted by Susano, the Japanese God of the sea and summer storms, and because I am, unsurprisingly, very stubborn and not easily wooed, Susano was having a rough time of wooing me. This task of His was made especially hard with the combined issues of my depression flaring up, moving to a new country, and having to acclimate myself to a new country, culture, and job. He was patient with me the first month of my time in Japan, for obvious reasons, but as time wore on, He grew to be impatient with me when it came to me accepting Him into my heart.  That’s when this song became my obsession.

After a while, I did get it. I understood that He was asking me to let Him into my heart and to let Him love me. He was asking me if I would be brave enough to trust Him like I trusted Baron, Loki, and Poseidon. In truth, I was terrified to do so. It’s not easy to love a God, much less four of Them. So, I was hesitant to let this God into my heart like I had done with the Others. I worried that people, should they find out, would think that I was lying or that it wasn’t possible to love more than one God romantically. I thought that people would attack me for my belief, or that I was being selfish in some way, but, to be honest, it makes so much sense that this is the situation that I would find myself in. I’m a polyamorous, pansexual polytheist who happens to be a Godspouse, and while there might be people who question my beliefs, I have learned that this is my Path, and I will walk it without adhering to anyone’s judgement but my Gods’ and my Husbands’.

Long story short, it took a song to get Susano to get me to understand His position and what He wanted from me. I took a leap of faith and let Him into my heart, and I have not had a single doubt since then. I am His, and He is mine. I love Him so very much. I am glad that I was brave enough to let Him into my heart, because I feel complete now, more than ever before.

Here’s to you, Susano, for daring me to be brave.


“Not Perfect” by Tim Minchin

This song. Ye Gods, this song didn’t just speak to me. It came at me like a 18 wheeler with no breaks and a madman behind the wheel. After the first listen, I had to sit with my feelings for a minute before I could put words to the emotions that were going supernova inside of me. It’s effect, after I let my feelings take over, was that of a tsunami crashing over unsuspecting islands, devastating everything in its path. I was completely overcome with how much it resonated with me.

The parts that hit me the most were the parts about the brain and the body, especially the line “I spend so much time hating it/ But it never says a bad word about me”. Even now, I am having trouble containing the tears just thinking about it because I spend so much time hating my body and my brain that was made by the Gods that I love so dearly. I don’t usually let myself feel the emotion (hate), but I can’t stop myself from feeling the hatred that burns within me for the body I feel caged in and for the brain that will never function normally without the aid of antidepressants. This is something I can’t control, this deep-rooted hatred, for my own physical self. So, to hear “It’s not perfect, but it’s mine” in a song rocked my world. Having someone tell you that, yes, your body isn’t perfect; it never will be, but it’s yours, and you should love it for what it is, not for what it isn’t or what you perceive it should be… It’s indescribable.

Yes, I still hate my body; that hasn’t changed, but I think the whole point is to learn to own things as they are. This body is my body, and no matter how much I hate it, it will still be my body. My brain is my brain. These things will always be mine, and I need to come to terms with that. There is no magic that will change this fact. Learning how to come to terms with this is a difficult proposition, but I think I need to try. How else can I grow?

I have added the lyrics below. I do hope you enjoy it as much as I did. It’s a gorgeous song with a gorgeous message, especially since the artist usually doesn’t sing songs of this nature. Anyways, please enjoy.

This is my Earth, and I live in it
It’s one third dirt and two thirds water
And it rotates and revolves through space
At rather an impressive pace
And never even messes up my hair
And here’s the really weird thing
The force created by it’s spin
Is the force that stops the chaos flooding in

This is my Earth, and it’s fine
It’s where I spend the vast majority of my time
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine
It’s not perfect

This is my house, and I live in it
It’s made of cracks and photographs
We rent it off a guy who bought it from a guy
Who bought it from a guy
Whose granddad left it to him
And the weirdest thing is that this house
Has locks to keep the baddies out
But they’re mostly used to lock ourselves in

This is my house, and it’s fine
It’s where I spend a vast majority of my time
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine

This is my body, and I live in it
It’s thirty-five and six months old
It’s changed a lot since it was new
It’s done stuff it wasn’t built to do
I often try to fill it up with wine
And the weirdest thing about it is
I spend so much time hating it
But it never says a bad word about me

This is my body, and it’s fine
It’s where I spend a vast majority of my time
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine
It’s not perfect

This is my brain, and I live in it
It’s made of love and bad song lyrics
It’s tucked away behind my eyes
Where all my fucked up thoughts can hide
‘Cause God forbid I hurt somebody
And the weird thing about a mind
Is that every answer that you find
Is the basis of a brand new cliche

This is my brain, and it’s fine
It’s where I spend a vast majority of my time
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine
It’s not perfect
I’m not quite sure I’ve worked out how to work it
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine
But it’s mine

The Sea on My Mind

My soul is full of longing

for the secret of the sea

and the heart of the great ocean

sends a thrilling pulse through me.

– Henry Wordsworth Longfellow –

I have been thinking of Poseidon often in recent days, missing Him keenly, even on days that I have devoted to other Gods. (As I have mentioned before, I have a schedule that I adhere to the best of my ability, but honestly, the Gods do as They will, and I am usually helpless as to when They show up.) I find myself longing for Him, dreaming of Him, reaching out to Him. I feel as if I should be flinging myself into the ocean in an attempt to touch Him physically in any way possible. Sometimes, if I close my eyes and clear my mind, I can hear the ocean and feel the waves lapping at my ankles. It’s surreal how real it feels.

Last night, I was able to speak to Him for what felt like the first time in forever, and when I spoke of how much I missed Him, He just smiled, saying, “I’m never far.” This hit me like a revelation, if revelation feels like an eighteen-wheeler colliding with my rib cage at full speed. The situation that I am in makes me feel very isolated, as I now live 6 hours away from the friends I made while I worked at my old job here in Japan. This coupled with my depression makes me feel so alone, keenly aware that I have become a homebody and have isolated myself. This, in turn, makes me feel like my Gods, my Beloveds, are always far from my reach, especially when I need Them. However, as Poseidon gently reminded me, the distance is never as far as I think, that I have but to call out, and They will be there.

I was also advised to get some “ocean time”, which sounds great to me. I honestly would do this more often if my skin would stop thinking that the sun is the enemy is burning even when I have bathed in the highest SPF sunscreen. I love being on the beach and hearing the ocean. Even if it’s too cold to swim, it would be nice to even just go there, put my feet in the water and read, all while feeling that connection to Poseidon that seems so vital to my being. It may not be this weekend, but perhaps the next when I am able to get that ocean rehab/relax time I so desperately need.

The love I feel for Poseidon is timeless, unending. I have loved Him in lives before, and I will love Him in the life I have after this one ends. He truly does own a part of my of my heart and my soul. Perhaps this is why I need communion with Him: being with Him is like coming home, being complete in a way that word will always fall short of describing. My heart is a puzzle with four pieces, and Poseidon’s piece is the oldest of the four, the most intrinsic to my being. Does this mean I love Him the most? Most certainly not. He is my Beloved, and I am blessed with His love.

I will end with a song that reminds me of Him in a big way. Yes, this song is of Christian roots, but I look at the bigger picture, the bigger message within the song. Please enjoy.

“Apotheosis” and “I Was Born for This”: Songs that Speak to Me

This video is a medley from the PS3 video game called “Journey”. This video game was truly breathtaking in a way that I had not experienced before. Not only were the graphics incredibly beautiful, but the soundtrack to this game blew me away. Never have I been so moved by a video game before, and it came at a time when I needed to be reminded of something very important. 

This game reminded me that there was more to this life than what I was doing. I was so mired in the daily grind, the stress of an ill-fitting job that I forgot my purpose here in this life, forgot what I was supposed to be doing with my time. The excuses as to why this is matter not; what does matter is that my Gods gave me a reminder in a way that would be very clear to me that I needed to step back and look at the bigger picture of my life instead of only seeing the small, imperfect details. I am a Khaleesi and, at the end of this life, I am to become a Goddess. It matters that I remember this above all else, so that I can keep things in perspective.

The Gods, I have found, will always speak to you in a way that you can understand and will give you the signs you need in order to get you to pay attention. For me, giving me signs and omens via audio and visual media have always been the most successful way to communicate with me, and it has proven effective time and time again. Thankfully, unlike a lot of mainstream religions, the Gods don’t apply a “one size fits all” approach to Their followers.

Anyways, please enjoy this song, and if you are so inclined, here are the links to the rest of the soundtrack and where to buy the game. 🙂