Fear Seeking

It’s that time of the year again, when everything/everyone in my life seems to be preparing for Halloween and the Days of the Dead. This feeling has come to me for two years now, this feeling of gearing up for something, whether it be for the the aforementioned holidays or something else, and this presents itself in me as the need to watch scary TV shows or movies. At first, it’s just a tiny niggling feeling at the back of my mind, this need, but then it grows and grows and grows until I can’t deny it anymore. So, I seek out shows like “Ghost Hunters” or movies about ghosts (no other scary topic eases the feeling), and I watch the heck out of them. This year, so far it’s Ghost Hunters, whereas last year it was Ghost Hunters International and some other random horror movies. However, I’m incredibly sensitive to these topics, as they effect me very strongly in a negative way. These movies and topics absolutely terrify me, but I can’t help but to watch them even though they give me nightmares and make me paranoid af. Because of this, I really, really hate horror movies and scary shows.

Last year, my fear was ratcheted up until I couldn’t go outside at night or go to sleep while the sun was down. I started to see shadows, see things in the shadows, and feel like I was being watched. This year, the process has started a little earlier than last year, and I’ve been having that terror begin creeping in earlier and higher than before. It makes me feel like I’m being prepared for something, but I can only guess as to what it is.

One guess is that my people, the Ghede, want to desensitize me to them, seeing as they might present as disembodied entities. I know that my people want to be closer to me and for me to get to know them, but my fear of them makes me keep them at a distance. It’s hard for me to let them get close to me when the very idea of them in my physical presence when I cannot see them fills me with absolute terror. Obviously, a Khaleesi shouldn’t be afraid of her people, and I want to get over this fear, which might be why this is happening.

Another guess is that has something to do with maybe the Wild Hunt. However, seeing as I have little to no knowledge on Them, I couldn’t even begin to guess why that would be or what Their motivations would be in any case.

I don’t know why I have these, well, urges. I don’t know what it means; I only know how to ease it. It’s hard for me to do much exploration about this subject because it causes such fear in me. I’ve had so many experiences with ghosts and the paranormal since I was a young child. I assume this is because my people recognized me for who I would become (their Khaleesi) or because I was sensitive to their presence(s). In any case, I’ve been so scared of ghosts/the paranormal/things-I-can’t-see-but-are-there my whole life for whatever reason, and it’s ever present, always there. All in all, I just wish I knew why I have these feelings and what I can do to make it go away in a more permanent way. I wish I knew what I am being prepared for so that I could actually prepare for it rather than just flailing around, scared in the dark. (Although, I’m being Told that, “You’re going to flail regardless, My dear.” *chuckle*)

This was a really random post about what’s going on in my life now. If anyone out there has any suggestions, maybe has an idea, or even has had a similar experience, please feel free to comment or email me. I’m really committed to figuring this out. I recognize that this is probably a symptom of a bigger issue, so I’m eager to figure what that is. For now, though, I guess I will have to just have to deal with this the best I can: binge-watching Ghost Hunters, giving myself nightmares, and leaving almost all the lights on all night.

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