So, my Husbands and I had a discussion today about my feelings and where They were coming from. Despite my apprehension that my feelings couldn’t be changed just by talking it out (with humans, it rarely works), I actually felt a teeny bit better about my standing with my Gods. There was a lot of pointing out where my discernment was incorrect and correcting what needed to be corrected. In the end, regardless of the precise details of our discussion, I do feel as if things aren’t totally hopeless and that I’m going to lose the very Gods I love so dearly.
I have a two-fold fear with regards to my Marriages: 1) I fear that I am going to be enslaved to the Gods I love, which is something I know would irrevocably break my spirit, and 2) I fear that my Gods will abandon me because I’m not who They want/need me to be. I’ve been assured that this is something that would not happen, as the first is not something They want from me, and the second would not happen unless I am the one walking away. I find some measure of comfort in that I do have a choice in all this, even if I’m still feeling very overwhelmed.
Baron (the Spokes… Person? God? Husband? idek) gently reminded me as well that being Married means that I have to consider more than myself now in my decisions, which I do need reminding of. My Gods often tell me to work on myself, to take better care of myself, and I often forget, in my cocoon of safety and self-are, that this is a partnership between my Husbands and I, that this would be unacceptable even in a mortal marriage. It’s something I need to work on.
Trust is the other big thing I need to work on, “because without it, the other things (love, devotion, loyalty) don’t exists.” They’re right. They acknowledge that I try to give Them all of these things, but I always hold back my trust from Them, and it’s unacceptable and defeats the purpose of O/our Marriage. They also acknowledge that I’m trying and need to be given more time, even though it frustrates Them. My Husbands acknowledge my pain and my past wounds, which is more than A/anyone else has ever truly done for me. From here, I know I must take that leap of faith that will allow me to show Them I’m willing to start trusting Them with my well-being. They’ve laid the groundwork for me to step into Their arms, to trust Them. I just need to be brave enough to do it.
In the next year, I have two big opportunities in which I can try this, and in truth, I’m terrified. I will do my best to do the whole “Jesus take the wheel” thing Pagan style, but I fear I will fail Them and myself. I fear my own short-comings and mental/emotional damage will thwart me again. I’m going to try my best though (please, none of that “there is no try; there is only do” stuff) and hope for the best. There is nothing more I can do at this time, but take it day by day, build up the trust I need to help me for when those big decisions need to be made. Only time will tell.