The struggle is real: while, to most, this is just another hashtag; for me, it’s truth. It’s reality. It’s life. Depression is a daily struggle, and I have more bad days than good. Waking up is a monumental feat; getting through the day seems insurmountable; and at the end of the day, I resent myself for not being able to get more done than the bare minimum, even though my spoons count was mostly used up just trying to get out of bed. This is life for me, and coming to terms with that is still difficult for me. Having an invisible illness is tough, and I suck at managing it.
I have been told, from several different people, that I need to do more self-care. This is not something that comes easily to me. My upbringing taught me that to focus on yourself only is an act of selfishness, and being selfish is tantamount to abandoning your family. Despite the lowliness of my birth, I was taught to put my family first, even though my family’s ideals are far removed from my own. (Think of me as the white sheep in a field of black sheep.) So, being told that I need to do self-care, then having my Gods Tell me I need more self-care… Let’s just say there was a lot of pouting and whinging involved, as per usual with me.
So, now, I need to begin to do the self-care thing, and despite is being Explained to me as it being a way to honor my Gods and Husbands (“Honor yourself, and you Honor Us.”), it still smacks of selfishness and laziness to me, but My Gods/Husbands are putting the proverbial foot down, and I can’t say no this time. This is a thing They are very serious about, “because you are of no use to Us if you cannot do more than get out of bed everyday.” We’ll see how this goes. It’s hard to do self-care when you find yourself to be intrinsically worthless, but I digress.
It’s time to prepare for the upcoming winter (Winter is coming.) and the SAD it brings. No more whinging and no more crying. It’s time to put my big girl panties on and hunker down for this self-care thing. I have been assured that building a blanket fort and hiding from the world with my Kindle is, in fact, a form of self-care for me, so I have my mission. Now is the time to put it in action!
Tomorrow, when I have renewed my spoons.