This video is a medley from the PS3 video game called “Journey”. This video game was truly breathtaking in a way that I had not experienced before. Not only were the graphics incredibly beautiful, but the soundtrack to this game blew me away. Never have I been so moved by a video game before, and it came at a time when I needed to be reminded of something very important.
This game reminded me that there was more to this life than what I was doing. I was so mired in the daily grind, the stress of an ill-fitting job that I forgot my purpose here in this life, forgot what I was supposed to be doing with my time. The excuses as to why this is matter not; what does matter is that my Gods gave me a reminder in a way that would be very clear to me that I needed to step back and look at the bigger picture of my life instead of only seeing the small, imperfect details. I am a Khaleesi and, at the end of this life, I am to become a Goddess. It matters that I remember this above all else, so that I can keep things in perspective.
The Gods, I have found, will always speak to you in a way that you can understand and will give you the signs you need in order to get you to pay attention. For me, giving me signs and omens via audio and visual media have always been the most successful way to communicate with me, and it has proven effective time and time again. Thankfully, unlike a lot of mainstream religions, the Gods don’t apply a “one size fits all” approach to Their followers.
Anyways, please enjoy this song, and if you are so inclined, here are the links to the rest of the soundtrack and where to buy the game. 🙂
Over the last two years, my practice has grown from just one Deity to many. My mind is blown every time I think about where I started to where I am now. I have no doubt that my practice will continue to grow and morph as time passes and as my Gods will, but for now, I’m comfortable with where I am. (This might be Loki’s cue to come in to shake me up and push me outside of my comfort zone. Again.) So, in honor of my recognition of my comfort and some confidence in my practice, I would like to make a list of all of the Deities in my personal pantheon, from The Big Four* to my Mothers and etc. Here is where you can find the schedule I have during the week for Them. Please enjoy!
– Baron Samedi: He is my Loa Love, my Beloved, my Husband. Baron was the second Deity to come into my life. He is the first of the Big Four. He calls me His Baronessa, hence my blog url.
– Loki: He is the third Deity to come into my life and is the second of my Husbands. The persona of His that I work with the most is the crazy aspect of Him, the aspect that represents the madness He felt once He was finally loosed from His bonds. Some may call this aspect of His as Worldbreaker. He calls me “The Bride of Madness” for this reason. Loki is the second of the Big Four.
– Poseidon: He is also another God whom I love deeply. He came into my life through my friend Shamaness. I am His in a way that I can’t really explain yet and have been since the very beginning of my lives here on Earth. He is the third of the Big Four.
– Susano: He is the Gods that has been my Caretaker since arriving in Japan, and I have come to love Him as well. I approached Him just before coming to Japan at my Husbands’ bidding. He presented me with an Enmusubi comb the first time I went to His shrine. Susano is the last of the Big Four.
– Oshun: She is the first Deity I approached when I decided to try being a Pagan. With her guidance, I am learning self-confidence and self-love. Oshun is one of my Mothers.
– Sekhmet: She came into my life very suddenly just before I came to Japan. Since that time, I have learned that She is the Goddess that made my soul, which makes Her the Mother of my soul. I love her dearly, but She terrifies me too. We’re working on that.
– Sigyn: Not long after Loki burst into my life, I approached Sigyn to get to know Her more, the more I liked her. I now consider Her to be a very dear friend and a Sister of sorts.
– Amateratsu: She is the older Sister of Susano and is the Japanese Goddess of the Sun. While She and I may not always see eye to eye, I consider Her also to be like a Sister to me.
– Odin: He came into my life shortly after Loki came into my life, and He came in like a tidal wave. It was His presence that helped me learn of the true power and complexity of the Gods. For now, He is a Teacher to me, but somehow I feel that He will always be more than that.
– Hel: With my affinity for the dead, it only made sense to me that I should honor Hel, not only because she is Loki’s Daughter, but also as a Death Deity. She is also Someone I would equate with the term Sister.
– Narvi and Vali: I don’t worship these Two, but I do honor Their spirit and mourn Their passing. I give Them honor in what way I can, including taking Them with me to Disney World. I also have an altar for Them as well.
Alright, so I think that this is a pretty good list of the Gods and Goddesses that I regularly pay homage to. So, now it’s time for me to go party with Baron and the Ghede (since it’s Saturday, ya know?). Adios!
* The Big Four are the four main Gods that I have devoted myself to. They receive the most attention, and I am personally bound to Them for the rest of my days.
So, I have grappled with talking about the status of my Relationship because not only am I a Godspouse, but I am a Godspouse to more than one God. It is a difficult concept for many people in Western society to accept that there are other types of relationships outside of the standard monogamy. Honestly, it was difficult for me to accept that not only did I love a God, but I loved more than one God. My first thoughts referenced other Godspouses who have devoted their entire beings to their Spouse, even saying that they were Owned by their Spouse. Initially, I felt bad that this was not the category that I fit into, but I soon learned that the sentiment of “each person’s Path is their own” is very true.
The more I grow and understand myself as a spiritual being, as a Khaleesi and as a Wife, the more I understand why the Path that I am on suits me more than I had originally thought. It was only recently that I began to truly understand at least one of the reasons that I am in this relationship dynamic rather than a more traditional one, and to the casual observer, it may seem prideful, arrogant, or what-have-you. It is simply this: because I am to be a Goddess in my own right, it is a courtesy and a respect to me and the position I will hold once this life ends. My existence as a Goddess won’t be contingent on being my Husbands’ Wife. I will be as much my own person as I am Their Wife. (This is not to say that this doesn’t apply to others that follow a similar Path, but I can only speak for myself in this respect.) Just as my Gods cannot share the entirety of Their heart and beings with me, so it is with me as well. This is more tightly bound in my current situation and personality than I can really say, but it is true nonetheless.
Given my temperament and my needs, I am someone who truly does need touch and physicality to feel psychologically sound and safe. This is just who I am. This is yet another reason why I am permitted not only to have more than one Husband, but also why I am allowed human lovers. At the beginning of my time as a Godspouse, I lamented that I would have to become a celibate nun, only allowed the touch of my Husband, and it worried me beyond measure that I would not have my touch needs met. As it turned out, this was not something I needed to worry about at all. I can have my needs met in ways that my Husbands cannot do for me at the moment. This doesn’t make me a needy person or a bad Wife, and it took me ages to understand that I am not a lesser person for having needs that my Divine Marriage couldn’t address. Of course, I still seek the counsel of my Husbands when it comes to the needs of my body and with whom I share it with, and that strengthens my bonds with Them, not weakens it.
Being in a polyamorous relationship, whether it be with Gods or humans, demands a high level of communication between me and my Partners as well as a level of trust that I have never allowed A/anyone to have with me. Each day, it gets easier to talk with and trust my Loves to guide me where I need to be and what I need to do. It isn’t always easy for me, and I still have many hangups, but I can say that I love and respect my Husbands more for allowing me the freedom to get my needs met and connect with people.
I am well aware that there are probably many people out there that will disagree with me on this, and while I could plaster this whole post with “your mileage may very”, “this is my UPG”, and etc., I won’t do this. The dynamic I have with my Husbands is between U/us and U/us alone, and I don’t really care what other people think about my Relationships. I am writing this simply because I truly believe that it is important to show that there isn’t just one way to be a Godspouse. This Path is not “one size fits all”, and any who choose to say that it is, in my opinion, is not worth my concern. As long as all parties in a R/relationship are happy and fulfilled, then why does it matter if it doesn’t look like everyone else’s R/relationship?
I am truly very happy in my Relationships. Is it easy to please more than one Husband? Fuck no. Is it easy to juggle the needs of E/everyone involved? Fuck no. But, you know what? In the end, I will be stronger, happier, and more fulfilled than if I had chosen the easy route and ignored the stirrings of my heart that led me to have more than one Marriage. My heart is bottomless, and my love is endless. I am truly blessed to have the opportunity to share my love with my Husbands, and I thank Them daily for Their love and care. Happiness is mine, and it is glorious.
I just discovered this song yesterday, and I immediately fell in love with it. I felt a connection to it, and I have listened to it A LOT since I had my first listen. I don’t know. There is just something in the way that the words and the music interact that has such a deep impact on me.
The song, “Spiritual” by Katy Perry, describes love as a spiritual/religious experience, an experience that goes beyond human comprehension. For me, the love I have for my Husbands is a spiritual thing. It is the pillar of my faith, and the foundation I stand on. I also feel that the love that I share with my Husbands is something my human mind cannot fully understand. It is a mystical bond that I don’t want to explain, because I see it as a wonderful, priceless gift, and I am so very grateful to have the love and bond of my Husbands.
This song came as a reminder to me of my role of Wife to my Husbands when I really needed it, and I am so grateful that They were able to connect with me in a way that I am able to understand. I know it sometimes is difficult to reach me when I am in a downward spiral (with regards to my depression), but I trust that They can convey Their messages to me using whatever method is most appropriate to me.
Here are the lyrics to the song (and yes, I am aware that there may be mistakes):
Lay me down at your altar, baby.
I’m a slave to this love.
Your electric lips have got me speaking in tongues.
I have prayed for a power like you,
To see deep down in my soul.
Oh, you make me bloom like a flower, a desert rose.
Magical one of mystery,
All of your charms have worked on me.
I would surrender myself.
Holy hell and heaven high,
You have opened up my eyes,
And I’m finally here.
This is spiritual, under your spell.
Phenomenal, the way you make me feel.
Like an angel, all aglow,
Like a feather, you make me float.
Flying high as a kite on your love,
Lost in sweet ecstasy,
Found a nirvana finally.
Magical one of mystery
All of your charms have worked on me
I would surrender myself
Holy hell, and heaven high
You have opened up my eyes
And I am finally here.
This is spiritual, under your spell
Phenomenal, the way you make me feel
Like an angel, oh, all aglow
Like a feather, you make me float
(You make me float, you make me float)
This is spiritual, under your spell.
So phenomenal, the way you make me feel.
Like an angel, oh, all aglow.
Like a feather, you make me float
(You make me float, oh, you make me float)
(You make me float, oh, you make me float)
TW: rape, abuse, and molestation
In this video, Dr. Phil hosts a mother and daughter who went through horrific abuse at the hands of the step-father. The problem is that the mother doesn’t remember any of the abuse that the daughter describes at all, despite working in a group home for girls who have been abused. Obviously, Dr. Phil works on this issue throughout the show, but there is something that really stuck with me and struck a chord with my own past.
If you were to watch this from start to end, you will hear the mother, time and time again, bringing the problem back to herself and the abuse that she went through. While I am not here to discount or throw away her experiences, it bothered me that she never once truly acknowledged her daughter’s pain and suffering. She continually makes excuses for herself or mentions her own abuse, but never once truly, fully acknowledges what her daughter is saying. Mind you, the mother doesn’t remember anything that the daughter is saying happened, and with my back ground in psychology I can certainly attest to the possibility of memory suppression, but what the mother never once does is sit and actually listen to what her daughter is saying and say afterwards, “You know, I may not remember this at all, but I believe you that this happened, and I am sorry that I failed you by not getting us both out earlier.” This might sound very corny, but to someone that has a background like this, acknowledgement can truly help in the healing process. Yet, the mother in this video doesn’t really do this, continually highlighting her own abuse rather than recognize her daughter’s experience.
Another point that really bothered me was that the mother made light of her daughter’s depression, saying that she believed her daughter wanted to be that depressed and even wallowed in it, that she liked it. The mother says, “I think she enjoys the depression, because I think she puts herself there, so she can punish herself.” This is terrible for a few reasons: it denies that her daughter still is experiencing the negative effects of her abuse, it perpetuates the stigma of depression as an invisible illness, and it essentially says that depression is a choice. I cannot argue enough that these things are wrong, and for someone who worked in a group home for abused girls, I feel she should know better. Her attitude towards the matter was appalling and pretty offensive. The daughter herself says that her mother tells her to just put the past behind her and move on, which coming from a woman who doesn’t remember catching her husband raping her daughter not once, but twice, is not really surprising.
Where this becomes personal for me is that it really forced me to remember my own abuse and how my mother handled it. My situation was much different from the daughter’s in the video, I could truly feel her pain because my own mother was very much the same in that she always made the situation about her, made excuses, and always made light of my depression. Of course, my mother was in the throes of an addiction to prescription pain killers and was almost as bad of an abuser as my stepfather was during the worst of it all. I went through emotional, physical, and (once) sexual abuse, and when my mother started to go through the process of ending her addiction, when I felt I could talk to her about everything that had happened, I found that she wouldn’t acknowledge what had happened to me, not just by her, but also by my stepfather. Everything became about her and her woes/experiences, and it hurt me even further to know that the one person I needed confirmation from would never give it to me.
To this day, I still wonder why she stayed with my stepdad. When I was fourteen, she found out that he had molested me, but she didn’t leave him then. This man hit me for years until I learned how to punch properly and hit him back (especially after he discovered I was stronger than he was and hit harder). This man spanked me hard enough that on two occasions bruised my tail bone. She knew all of this was happening and still didn’t leave him. It hurts worse knowing that when the physical abuse stopped, the verbal and emotional abuse got so much worse, not just by my stepfather, but also moreso by mother.
I, too, ended up leaving my home, and while I bounced back a few times, trying to give my mother a chance to change, it never happened. Now I am in Japan, and I don’t think I will ever speak with her again. Not only does she not acknowledge what happened to me as a child under her watch, but she also made sure that she told me how she thinks I have chosen to be depressed and that I should stop taking my medication for depression. She has told me that she believes that I am not depressed, just lazy. Just thinking about this hurts, even now.
Overall, I sympathize with the daughter in this video. It’s almost like a betrayal of trust to have a parent do this to you. It is a difficult thing to come to terms with and even harder to forgive. This was hard for me to watch, near triggering, but it really struck me how I am not the only person that has had such a similar experience as me. Now, all I can do is to hope that this girl gets all the treatment, love, and acknowledgement that I never had or will get. Abuse is something always stays with you, but I hope, for her, it is something that doesn’t define her for the rest of her days.
This is a great post. I struggled with depression for a long time, and I wish I had had something like this when I needed it.
This blog is a safe space.
If today’s tragedy has shown us all anything, it’s that the people who laugh the hardest, smile the brightest can truly be suffering inside. Here is a collection of links I’ve compiled to help anyone struggling with depression, self harm, or general mental illness. Please never be afraid to reach out for help. You’re beautiful, and you’re loved.
If there is any support resource you feel you would like to contribute or that you would like to see on this page, please don’t hesitate to message me.
- Depression Hotline:1-630-482-9696
- Suicide Hotline:1-800-784-8433
- Trevor Project:1-866-488-7386
- Sexuality Support:1-800-246-7743
- Eating Disorders Hotline:1-847-831-3438
- Rape and Sexual Assault:1-800-656-4673
- Grief Support:1-650-321-5272
- Runaway:1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000
- Exhale:After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253
- Child Abuse:1-800-422-4453
- ** UK Helplines:
- Samaritans (for any problem):08457909090 e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org
- Childline (for anyone under 18 with any problem):08001111
- Mind infoline (mental health information):0300 123 3393 e-mail: email@example.com
- Mind legal advice…
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