My heart is heavy, and my soul has been weighed down. A lot of things have gone wrong this year, and there are things that I am going through still that are pushing me further down into myself. I want to hide from the world, hide within the safety of my Husbands’ arms, but I can’t. Life can’t be put on hold for me to get my shit together, no matter how desperate I am for a reprieve.
Death is drawing near again. Cancer is going to take another family member from me. This time, however, it’s my stepfather, the man who raised me. This insidious disease has claimed too many of my family members already, and now it’s poised to take yet another from me. This knowledge is almost too much to handle, especially since I’m in Japan with no way to go visit my stepfather before he passes. It breaks my heart knowing that my father will die, and I won’t get to see him even one last time.
Baron and the Ghede are very close now. I can see Them out of the corners of my eyes almost more often than before, and this is a great comfort to me. My Husband and my people are with me when I need T/them most.
I also feel the presence of the other Gods in my life. I feel Their power like a great weight against my soul, but it’s a comforting weight, like the feel of being safe under the covers in bed and cuddled in warm arms. When I can connect myself with Them, when I seek out Their presences, it is only then that I feel calm and somewhat peaceful. Only then can I handle the onslaught of feelings I have battering me from the inside out.
It has been a long, terrible year for me here in Japan. I’ll start a new job in September, and I pray with all of my heart that I’ll have a better time there than in my last few jobs. I don’t know who, if anyone will read this, but if anyone does, and you’re the praying type, please send prayers or well-wishes, or anything positive in my way. I really need it.