Coming to Terms

Since Sekhmet has come into my life, well, I have yet to understand Her and Her reasoning for dealings with me. I have had a difficult time warming to Her, especially since Her “tough love” approach of parenting triggers the flight response in me something fierce. Despite my responses and my inability to cope with Her approach, She has remained a steadfast and consistent with me, the way I imagine a parent should be. Under Her influence, I have no doubt that I would be a stronger, more confident woman than I am today. But, in a lot of ways, I am but an ungrateful child, mostly unable to recognize the amazing gifts and blessings that this particular Goddess has given me because my learned reflex to run or cower from A/anyone who is exerting power over me (for in the past this power was abused).

In a lot of ways, I can see how I would have been an exemplary daughter of Sekhmet. I can see within myself the decaying remains of parts of my personality that (I think) would have pleased Her and that she would have cultivated within me. However, these parts of me died long ago when my own mortal parents either failed to encourage these parts of me to grow or intentionally squashed them to keep me quiet, docile, and out of the way. Until now, the person they molded me into was what helped me survive in the world that I had known. But as I am quickly finding that this person I am is not conducive to living successfully, I just look at the pieces of myself that still lay dormant, dead within me, and mourn the fact that who I could have become would have survived better in the world than the person I was made into. Everything about me, almost, is a productive of trying to survive in the world I knew. That world is gone now though, and I am just now realizing that, as I am, I cannot thrive in this new world.

I think, sometimes, that Sekhmet is trying to resurrect these long dead parts of me that are Her legacy, the pieces of me that proclaim me to be Hers. To do so, she has to help reshape me, remold me into the person I was meant to become. I have not been taking well to this process at all. I can see Her hand in many of the things that have occurred in the the last 11 months. (Loki also has been a huge instigator of change, and I have no doubt at all that both He and Sekhmet have working together to start me down the path They want me to be on.) But, I am not good at change, and it has not been easy for me to loosen up enough to allow the necessary changes happen. Sekhmet is Sekhmet, though, and steadfast in Her determination. Unlike E/everyone else in my life, She is one of the few capable of making a promise and keeping it, even if it not a good promise to keep (refer back to being shackled).  I am not sure how successful She has been in bringing the charred remains of the daughter I should have been, but I am starting to want Her to succeed in Her endeavors there.

Honestly, when it comes to Sekhmet, I am a bad daughter. This is not just because I don’t really know how to be a good one, but also because in order to be the good daughter She wants me to be, I have to conform to Her standard for me, to change.  If I am completely honest with myself, I have warring feelings about wanting to please Her. On the one hand, the little girl inside me truly wishes to make my Mother proud of me, happy with me, but on the other, I have no wish to conform to A/anyone’s rules but my own, despite know that, as of this moment, I need S/someone else to make those rules for me, because I don’t have any for myself. This, and I don’t want Anyone else to have more power over me than I already have (refer back to my shackling).

I know in my heart I need to come to terms with Sekhmet, the overbearing, huge Power that She is. I need to some to terms with the fact that She is not going away anytime soon, and I need to just deal with it. I hope eventually I learn to like who She is, even love Her as the Mother She is supposed to be to me. Until the day that happens, though, I am going to have to keep being pulled along by Her side like a small child until I get used to Her. It’s not as if I do this on purpose, be difficult, but as I have demonstrated many times, I am not able to smoothly trust and like Someone I have just come into contact with. I wish it wasn’t this way, but this is how it is right now. Perhaps Sekhmet will help change that in me.

I can only hope.

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