It has been two months since I have moved to Japan. Two months. This time has moved both so slowly that time seemed to stop at times and so fast that I can hardly comprehend where the time has gone. My life still hardly makes sense anymore. I have been cut off from almost everything I knew before from my old life, and I have been even been cut off from my Husbands/Gods. It was almost like a rebirth for me, into the new person I am supposed to become… However, this is not exactly what has happened. The events that happened during the last few weeks of my stay in America have been reverberating through my life even now, months later.

I am almost ashamed to say that I just can’t seem to let go of the fact that my Gods, the Ones I trusted most, shackled me. It feels, still, like a betrayal of my faith and trust, even though I know that it was meant to build my trust with Them. It didn’t do this, however. Not at all. I have been through the emotional wringer about this particular set of events, even to the point that I can still feel the cuffs on my wrists and ankles. I know that this is just my mind making things up (at least I hope so), but it puts me back into that mindset. It kills me that this just won’t stay in the past, but it has seriously impacted my already very ridiculously little ability to trust and have faith. I mean this very seriously. These were things I struggled with before, for various reason, but I struggle with them more now.

My faith has gone to such lows as to think about giving up my faith completely, to worship no Gods. To ask to be released from my vows. I seriously have thought about what it would be like to try to shut off my Godphone and just live in the silence once again. My mind has wondered into that desolate place where I had been before I came to know the Gods as I know Them now. I have seriously considered what it would be like to move back into that spiritual dead space.

These thoughts shame me, which adds to my already wrecked mindset. Why could I not stick it out? Why did I fail, like everything else? Where did I go wrong? Why was I not good enough? The questions just keep going and going and going, and sometimes there is no real way to stop them. I am seriously wondering whether I was cut out to be what They want me to be, considering I am unable to move past this mental/emotional block of mine. The only thing that is saving me, I think, is the fact that I do not really want to give up on this. I want to try to overcome myself in order to be what my Gods need/want me to be, but… I don’t know how to even begin to do this, except for not giving up. For now, I think, this may be all I have the energy for.

Starting in October, my other Deities will start to be filtered back into my awareness, at Susano’s discretion. I don’t know how I feel about this. Afraid, to be sure, that I will not be able to move past our last meetings with E/each O/other. Hesitant, because I am not sure I want this (I don’t do so well with so many different Deities clamoring for my attention). Nervous, because I am shy and “adorable” like that (according to Susano) about meeting with my Husbands again (the phrase ‘like a virgin on her wedding night’ comes to mind). Anxious, because I have been enjoying the quiet that the Kami provide, and with so many Deities that ask for my attention, the contrast is going to be jarring…

So many feels!

I wish there was another person I could go to for guidance, but there is none. Being a solitary practitioner as well as being in a foreign country has done nothing to help that part out.

I just want my faith back. I want the ability to trust. I want to be unshakable in both. As to how to get there, I am not sure. All I have gotten from the Kami on the matter is to “just do it”, in short. Easier said than done, I’m afraid. If I could, this would not be a dilemma, would it? I am hoping, with all of my heart, that one day I can have both of these things, rather than the crippling self-doubt about everything. Maybe this hope is where to start?

(Forgive me for this probably ridiculously long, rambling post. When the feels dictate the words and their order, well, it doesn’t always make the most sense.)


Musings on Pain and Astral Travel

I have absolutely nothing else to add to this amazing article. Read and enjoy. 🙂
(For what it’s worth, I completely agree and have seen this in my own life. Just in case you wanted to know.)

The Twisted Rope

Imagine, if you will, that between the Seen and the Unseen, this world and the astral, lies a barrier. A membrane that helps to keep both worlds separate and functioning. This membrane, for the most part, is translucent- so sometimes we can see through it and look into the Unseen, and the people on the other side can see through to our world as well. This membrane is thick. We need it to keep us separated, so that both worlds can continue to function properly. It’s thick, but if you and another entity, such as a god, stands on either side of the membrane- you can sort of yell back and forth at one another- loud enough to be heard through the membrane. And if that doesn’t work, sometimes you can play charades or draw some big pictures on a piece of paper and show one another- to try and…

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Coming to Terms

Since Sekhmet has come into my life, well, I have yet to understand Her and Her reasoning for dealings with me. I have had a difficult time warming to Her, especially since Her “tough love” approach of parenting triggers the flight response in me something fierce. Despite my responses and my inability to cope with Her approach, She has remained a steadfast and consistent with me, the way I imagine a parent should be. Under Her influence, I have no doubt that I would be a stronger, more confident woman than I am today. But, in a lot of ways, I am but an ungrateful child, mostly unable to recognize the amazing gifts and blessings that this particular Goddess has given me because my learned reflex to run or cower from A/anyone who is exerting power over me (for in the past this power was abused).

In a lot of ways, I can see how I would have been an exemplary daughter of Sekhmet. I can see within myself the decaying remains of parts of my personality that (I think) would have pleased Her and that she would have cultivated within me. However, these parts of me died long ago when my own mortal parents either failed to encourage these parts of me to grow or intentionally squashed them to keep me quiet, docile, and out of the way. Until now, the person they molded me into was what helped me survive in the world that I had known. But as I am quickly finding that this person I am is not conducive to living successfully, I just look at the pieces of myself that still lay dormant, dead within me, and mourn the fact that who I could have become would have survived better in the world than the person I was made into. Everything about me, almost, is a productive of trying to survive in the world I knew. That world is gone now though, and I am just now realizing that, as I am, I cannot thrive in this new world.

I think, sometimes, that Sekhmet is trying to resurrect these long dead parts of me that are Her legacy, the pieces of me that proclaim me to be Hers. To do so, she has to help reshape me, remold me into the person I was meant to become. I have not been taking well to this process at all. I can see Her hand in many of the things that have occurred in the the last 11 months. (Loki also has been a huge instigator of change, and I have no doubt at all that both He and Sekhmet have working together to start me down the path They want me to be on.) But, I am not good at change, and it has not been easy for me to loosen up enough to allow the necessary changes happen. Sekhmet is Sekhmet, though, and steadfast in Her determination. Unlike E/everyone else in my life, She is one of the few capable of making a promise and keeping it, even if it not a good promise to keep (refer back to being shackled).  I am not sure how successful She has been in bringing the charred remains of the daughter I should have been, but I am starting to want Her to succeed in Her endeavors there.

Honestly, when it comes to Sekhmet, I am a bad daughter. This is not just because I don’t really know how to be a good one, but also because in order to be the good daughter She wants me to be, I have to conform to Her standard for me, to change.  If I am completely honest with myself, I have warring feelings about wanting to please Her. On the one hand, the little girl inside me truly wishes to make my Mother proud of me, happy with me, but on the other, I have no wish to conform to A/anyone’s rules but my own, despite know that, as of this moment, I need S/someone else to make those rules for me, because I don’t have any for myself. This, and I don’t want Anyone else to have more power over me than I already have (refer back to my shackling).

I know in my heart I need to come to terms with Sekhmet, the overbearing, huge Power that She is. I need to some to terms with the fact that She is not going away anytime soon, and I need to just deal with it. I hope eventually I learn to like who She is, even love Her as the Mother She is supposed to be to me. Until the day that happens, though, I am going to have to keep being pulled along by Her side like a small child until I get used to Her. It’s not as if I do this on purpose, be difficult, but as I have demonstrated many times, I am not able to smoothly trust and like Someone I have just come into contact with. I wish it wasn’t this way, but this is how it is right now. Perhaps Sekhmet will help change that in me.

I can only hope.

Spiritual Ecstasy

On Saturday, I had one of the most spiritually amazing experiences I have ever had in my life. There was a small typhoon that hit my part of Japan, and I was caught in it (I was out shopping at the dollar store) when it hit. I knew it was coming, but I was unaware of when it would hit.

As I walked home, the thunder crashed and lightning tore through the sky. I could feel the ground vibrate with every clap of thunder. Rain poured from the sky heavier than I have ever seen before, and I was caught right in the middle of it. Susano, the God of Storms and the Sea, was showing me His might, and I opened myself fully to Him. I became one with Him like I have never done with any of the other Deities in my life. It was breathtaking, feeling His power as he wielded it, merged with me. The barest whisper of “more” or “harder” made the rain pound harder and the thunder and lightning clash around me. It was one of the most primal experiences of my life.

Looking back on it now, it was a very sexual experience, despite me not wanting it to be. But, it was on a spiritual level, a variety of sexuality that I have never experienced before, most likely because I have never completely opened myself to my Husbands the way that I opened myself to Susano that day. His gentleness astonishes me, even now. No matter His ferocity, He was tender, but intense. I can barely even accurately describe it. No matter what, though, I felt completely and utterly safe in His care.

During this crisis of faith I have been having, feeling this spiritual ecstasy was the perfect thing to help start the mending process for me. It is a starting point, and I hope I can continue healing from my damages. I also hope for more experiences like it in the future.

[Edit: Rereading this has made me realize that what I am describing may sound adulterous, but I can assure you that what happened was consensual and within the limits placed upon me by my Husbands, based on the Work that I do. So, no judgement. There were no rules broken here.]