Still I Wonder

I still wonder sometimes why I am the Wife of Gods. I wonder why I would be chosen over the millions of women in the world by Them. Most of the time, I can’t fathom it. I look at myself in the mirror and see plain ol’ me. I don’t always see someone that could be loved of Gods.

I had a mini breakdown yesterday while trying on clothes for my upcoming move. Shamaness, her sister, and a friend were helping me find clothes, and everything I tried on made me feel so fat and unattractive. The clothes were very adorable, but every article seemed to look more and more hideous the more clothes I tried on. By the third or fourth dress, my self-confidence was shredded to pieces, and I couldn’t make myself try anymore on. But, my companions, bless them, did wonders for me. My confidence was never reestablished, but they did convince me to keep trying things on. In the end, I purchased 5 new dresses, 2 blazers, and a pair of comfy sandals. I still have several things I need, clothing-wise, but I have made leaps and bounds in that department.

Part of being shackled has been to confront my fears, with myself and with my Gods. I was forced yesterday to confront my own self-loathing as well as my deep-seated anxiety about money. The Gods are often very grueling task masters in matters of personal betterment, and I am more than certain that this can be included in that.

It’s hard to confront yourself in a mirror, to see yourself as O/others see you. This was something I was forced to do yesterday. I was made to see all of the good things about myself: how pretty my eyes are, my beautiful princess hair (Shamaness’ words, but I am beginning to understand now why my Husbands do not wish me to cut it), even my curves. My companions forced me to overlook my flaws (which are all I see), and it was the hardest thing to do.

I have never believed myself good enough to be a Wife. I never really understood why I was chosen or how They could love me. I want to believe it’s that I am beloved to Them, but most of the time I can only make myself believe that it’s because I am an asset to Them in some way, not simply because I am loved by Them. This came to a head when it was decided to shackle me: I’m really am not good enough at even living my own life, so how could I ever really hope to be a good Wife? How could I ever hope to be someone They wanted me to be when They have to shackle me and force change upon me? How could They want someone who is such a nuisance like me? “Because We love you” was never a good enough answer.

I’m human still, and I strugglebus constantly. But, I’m still loved of Gods, and I wish I wasn’t so broken that even that isn’t enough to overcome my damage. Yet, I must remember that They knew this was what They were getting when They agreed to be with Me in whatever fashion They have chosen. It still just boggles me that this is something They willingly undertook. Still I wonder, though, why this is. I may never truly know, just as I’m sure no Godspouse ever really knows why s/he was chosen by his or her Deity. I do hope to understand one of these days, and perhaps I will, but until then, I will still wonder.

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