Since the epic sit-down and proceeding meltdown, it’s been very rough. It was decided on my Gods’ part that Baron shall have authority over my this week; Loki shall be next week (this’ll be fun); and Poseidon will be my final week before I leave. From there, I will be handed over to Susano for safekeeping for the most part while I am in Japan. They decided this because They didn’t want to have too many Deities trying to press me to do things all at once, all but ensuring that I disobey all of Them from sheer confusion and getting overwhelmed. I also learned that Sekhmet was the One who spearheaded this “take over Gisele’s life” initiative, which has made me even more wary of Her influence on/in my life. Despite learning of Their plans to make everything easier on me (both in terms of only having one Deity to listen to at a time and to make these last few weeks go easier for me), I have not taken this lack of autonomy well.
The first day, after a phone call to Shamaness when I woke up, I spent the entire day angry and practically screaming at Baron for doing this to me. I used every tactic in the book that I knew how to use to try to get Him to change His mind, to no avail. The truth is that I was very hurt still by Their words about me not being committed to my marriages as well as frightened out of my mind that They would abuse this power over me like I’ve always known authority figures to do so (mortal ones, at least). Yet, despite my overtly angry words and trying to push Him away, Baron remained constantly gentle and reassuring. He reminded me over and over again that I was loved even when I tried to push Him away from me. Eventually, I stopped being angry and became resigned to the fact that my choices were gone, and I have since tried to ignore the fact that I’m being led by the hand like a small child and rewarded for every task I do when I was asked to do it. Baron isn’t letting me ignore it, not really, because I need to undergo this “trial” mindfully, and I have no doubt that this weekend, I will get yet another sit-down.
It’s been a very bumpy road these past few days, but I’ve done as They’ve asked me to do, if only because I would rather have this gentleness from my Husbands than being forced along, fighting every step. It’s not an easy thing to do for me, and what little pride I have is bruised all to hell, but I’m doing it. They’ve yet to cause me harm to anything but my ego, so until They do so (which is unlikely), I will just go along with it.
I still don’t understand, though, why this was necessary. “Let’s show her that she can trust Us by forcing her to do stuff” doesn’t make much sense to me. I understand that They are having me do things I needed to do anyways in a more timely manner than I have been able to get myself to do all summer, but still. I guess after all this time I should know that pride/ego has no place within me. Maybe I will also learn after all this to get the full terms and conditions spelled out for me BEFORE I enter into any more agreements with the Gods, but knowing Them, it was always end with a “for now” clause to change our terms as They see fit.
I’m not looking forward to Loki’s dominion over me next week, but at least I know that Poseidon might be pleasant to have guide me (although, this may not be the case after getting into an argument with Him hours before the sit-down)… Alright, so I’m dreading these next two weeks. I’m just going to be straightforward and completely honest about this. I’m short-circuiting about everything, and I’m not really calm at all. So, I think my Deities have Their work cut out for Then, and I’m not proud of that. I feel like a nuisance and a bother and a million other things. Confidence = gone.
So, now that my calm bubble has popped, I’m going to curl back up under my covers. I tried fight, so now it’s time to try flight. It’s probably going to be futile, but it’s worth a shot, yes?