There is only 3 weeks left until I leave for Japan, and I can feel my anxiety ratcheting up exponentially each day. There is so much left to do before I leave (and never look back). My emotions are all over the place, leaving me feeling fragile and insecure. Saying “overwhelmed” is what I’m feeling doesn’t quite feel right; it’s not strong enough of a word, I don’t think. In any case, I am suffering the consequences of these emotions to the Nth degree, what with migraines and nightmares plaguing me. So, as any “Gods-fearing” person would do, I have tried to seek solace in the arms of my Husbands and Deities. However, my lovely Loki has issued a request (more like an ultimatum) that has upped the stakes: quit your job by Friday, or I will have you fired.
Loki, being the known Troll that He is, does not usually throw these things at me so straightforward because I tend to balk and panic at anything I don’t have time to adjust to on my terms and pace. So, I was thinking that this was also a troll on His part just to see me flail for a moment, but one rune reading and one additional tarot reading later, I’m stuck with the knowledge that I have no choice (not really) but to do what He says. This means that there is going to be one less paycheck for me to take with me to Japan, which could mean I don’t have enough to live on, aka eat, when I get there. All in all, all this really means is that the emotional state I have been in has been worsened, especially due to the building migraine I have currently.
I’ve pretty much always been poor throughout the entirety of my life. I have watched as my mother went without food to ensure that my sister and I ate. I have lived in cheap rented apartments, house, trailer, etc, one after the other. I’ve gone without and also had to live on the generosity of other people. All this means is there are two outcomes from this sort of living: 1) I’m *always* anxious about money, and 2) I can live without some necessities, as I have done in the past, but due to #1, it makes it harder for me to do so. This is especially true since I’ve been involved in Shamaness’ life, whose family lives in excess most of the time. (Sorta side story/example: the first time her family took me out to dinner, they took me to a fancy Indian restaurant, where none of the entrees were under like $15. I almost couldn’t order because I had never spent that much money on a meal before. They just looked at me funny because Shamaness pretty much had to order for me.) I’m more self-conscious about it now because of this, and I honestly wish I could even have just a fraction of what they have, just so I could live comfortably and have some things I want, instead of having to be on food stamps and have to ask my girlfriend to buy me work pants and some shorts because I didn’t have the money at the time. Times are hard, I know, but what people define now as a “hard time” has been my life.
With this in consideration, should I take this leap of faith? Should I trust that His Trollness will provide for me now, when I need it most? It’s almost too much for me to comprehend, Someone providing for me in this way, and I’m not sure how or if I can handle much more of this uncertainty. I suppose I have no choice but to do as He has commanded, which makes everything worse. I hate being backed into a corner like this. It brings up the whole other of how much autonomy I really have and that I don’t feel like I have much anymore, but this is not a topic for today. I guess now is the time to figure out whether I truly trust my Husband or not. We’ll see, I guess.