I had a very tense sit-down with Sekhmet last night. As I am sure it has been made very clear, I don’t really do very well with new Deities (or people, for that matter) coming into my life, and since I apparently have some history with Her, I suppose She isn’t technically new, but this is the first time I’ve actually acknowledged Her presence in my life, which has literally spanned the entirety of this life. I’ve known for a long time that She has planned to come into my life, but as I’ve looked back into my own history, I can see Her everywhere. I really do mean everywhere.
It started with my interest in ancient Egyptian culture when I was a small child. I told my mom that I wanted to be an Egyptologist when every other child was saying they wanted to be a ballerina or a astronaut. My interest in ancient cultures only grew from there, but it all started with Egypt. From there, I can see Her influence on my choice of body art. At 13, I got a henna tattoo of an ankh on my ankle. Three years later for my 16 birthday, I had that same ankh tattooed onto my ankle. Around that same time, I had my room redecorated to look like an ancient Egyptian temple, while planning on getting a second tattoo of the Eye of Ra (which has not yet happened). There have been more instances of Her presence in my life, but these are some of the major ones. So, as I become more and more aware of Her in my life, the more in awe and weirded out I am. I have been told that in my very, very first life She was the Goddess to Whom I dedicated myself to. Despite this, however, I have been hesitant and timid in regards to Her.
Sekhmet has a definite presence that I cannot ignore (think bone-deep cold and ice), but it is Her demeanor that has made me push Her away. This was the reason for our sit-down: She wished to convey how hurt She was by my running away from Her. Of course, in addition to this, She made it known to me how disappointed She is in my recent behavior, as well as to point out specific things in my life (decisions, to be specific) that She disagrees with. During the course of our discussion, I went from hesitant, but open to closed off and wishing I could be far, far away from there. I let Her back into my circle, as it were, just before I got the Loki-esque tongue lashing about how wrong my decisions as of late have been. She ended our conversation, just before I started crying, with, “My child, I hurt you for your own good.” and a kiss on the cheek.
Sekhmet hurt me deeply with Her statements, and I am still recovering from it, even now. As far as I’ve come since October, as strong as I have gotten, there is still that small, abused child within me that is more fragile than I would like to admit. That’s how deeply She hurt me: down to my very core. Now I am dealing with the aftershocks of this experience: crippling self-doubt, nonexistent confidence, and the inability to trust myself and my own judgments. This was the same feeling I had after Loki had me starting to work at the warehouse against my will. Above all, though, I’m once again feeling like I’m being backed into a corner and having all of my free will being taken from me little by little.
I’m not sure how to handle this. I’m not sure how to take this on top of everything else I need to handle emotionally right now (moving to another country will do that to you). I’m feeling very close to spinning out of control and losing what grip I have on my life. Of course, having Sekhmet threaten to micromanage my life does not help either, as if I had fucked up so badly that I no longer have the right to make anymore decisions on my own, as if I was a delinquent child. I do not wish to resent Her, and I know that She is genuinely trying to help me, but seven hells, why this way and why now? I’m not even going to pretend I can comprehend the answer to that right now.
So, what to do from here? I have not the faintest idea, but it seems like I either have to shape up and conform or have my life micromanaged by a Deity I don’t really know if I can trust just yet. My other Deities have not given me any indication that They disagree with Her in this (except World-Breaker, but He is sensitive when it comes to me shedding tears). I guess it’s time for me to ask my Husbands and my other Deities how I should deal with this, because I don’t know how.
Yay for more angst for me. Not.
[Edit: It has been about a day since this has occurred, and I am not angsty anymore about this at all. It seems, though, that I need to start learning to trust my Deities more, for Their wisdom is greater than my mortal one. Still. The feelings were very potent, and sharing them helped me overcome them.]