I was having a good talk to my mother the other night, and I realized, much to my endless chagrin, that I was going to miss my mother after I left for Japan. Obviously, this was very upsetting to me, seeing as there are only 26ish more days before I leave and sacrifice everything for my own sake, and I was already pretty upset from having to go to her to talk about an argument I was having with Shamaness (I’m not even going to touch that again). I honestly didn’t think I was going to miss her, not with all that she had done to me. I didn’t think I was going to endure the pain of leaving her behind, not like I was going to have with my nephew, my brother, and Shamaness. However, laying on the bed next to her as she spoke to me made me realize that it was going to be much harder than I thought.
Baron came to me later that night to comfort me, and He said to me gently, “It’s not sacrifice if there is no pain.” This statement rocked my world enough that I was glad He had me wrapped safely in His arms. Loki may be the usual One to drop uneasy truths on people, and Odin may be the One to remind me of the pain there is in life, but it was Baron that had to give me this one, to help me swallow this bitter pill of a truth. Even now, several days, I’m still reeling. This is much more complex than I realized.
I realize that it may sound callous to most to say that I would never miss my mother, and it probably also does not paint me in a good light either, but before I am judged by anyone, I will have it known that my mother/family has been the single most toxic thing in my life up until the present. I have dealt with abuse of all varieties from all of them at some point in my life, and I’ve known for a long time that all I can ever do to get them away from me is make my circumstances improve for myself and only myself. I’m not going to go into really any detail at all here in such a public domain, but I can say this much: I do not want any of my future children knowing my family. The best thing I can do for myself, as well as my future children, is to leave the entirety of my family behind and make my own family later, when I’m ready. This sounds easy enough, but now that I am so close to actually having to do it, I’m kinda scared.
I know that my Deities will not let me go back on my word on this, but in this last month, I have no doubt that They are going to ensure that I know exactly who/what I am leaving behind. They are going to make me mourn my losses and be fully knowledgeable of what I am doing so that I cannot cry foul later. I’m still unsure (obviously) of what exactly this means at this point, but I am still so anxious about all of this. As if I didn’t have enough on my plate as it is.
So, now I am left to contemplate the added difficulties I will face once I am settled into (what will most likely be) the Japanese countryside. My only hope will be that I will survive this World-Breaking intact. I guess only time will tell.