I’ve been balking. I’ve been resistant. I’ve even been downright rebellious. However, as of today, that has come to an end.
I don’t trust easily. It’s just not natural for me after years of abuse and neglect at my family’s hands. From this, I’ve learned that the only one that I can truly rely on is myself to get my needs met. Theoretically, the exception to this rule should be that I should trust the Gods with my welfare, but with the neglect of the Christian god because I was already claimed by Another, I have not been able to make that exception a reality. It’s a very huge flaw of mine that They (my pantheon of Deities) have been very insistent on poking and prodding and making sure I’m VERY aware of it. Last night, though, was the pinnacle of this forced awareness, and it has left me reeling and hurt.
I’ve been fighting against losing any of my control over my life even as I’ve watched it slip from my fingers, and the more that I lose, the more caged I feel. Losing my freedom has been to much for me to handle, but the more I see my life spin out of my control and into Their control, the harder I fight Them. But, They’ve caged me, and They saw fit to talk to me about it last night through Shamaness. Neither of us had a choice in the matter as They took over our conversation without prior notice at all, to either of us. It showed me how truly powerless we are when it comes to Their Will, that They just humor us mortals when we try to use our own free will. If the outcome of this was to cow me and break me, well, They have but one more little push before They break my spirit entirely.
They questioned my commitment to my Marriages, a low blow considering I’m still not totally confident as a Wife, but a blow They dealt regardless. They told me that being Married was to give up control over my life to my Husbands, that I could flex my free will only within the confines that are placed upon me, and it was said that if I was truly committed to sharing my life with Them, I would give myself over to Them for safekeeping willingly, having not done so means I’ve not truly committed myself to my Marriages. I’ve been holding parts of myself back and keeping those parts to myself, and this has apparently put me in contempt of my vows as Their Wife. When I was told this, it was as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest and squeezed by the hands of the Gods. This was not something I was aware of (neither the relinquishing of my freedom to my Husbands nor the fact that I been keeping myself from Them), so to be told this at this time and for this reason was agonizing. I honestly would rather have been brutally beaten physically by Them than have had to endure these feelings.
All in all, it came down to this: either I relinquish the control over my life willingly or it will be taken from me. So, starting today, I will be, without question, doing exactly as I am told when I am told to do it. This really meant from that moment because right afterwards I was ordered to bed like a small child (“No, We don’t care that you are not tired.”). Shamaness told me that she felt an outpouring of love for me throughout this conversation, but I felt none of this. I still feel cold and numb, and when I mentioned this, They replied, “You are anxious and depressed. Let Us shoulder this burden for you.” The problem is that I just don’t know how to let A/anyone do this for me, and if I do, which was Their assertion, then I am not sure how to consciously do it.
My performance since that tense conversation with Sekhmet has apparently been lackluster since She is going to micromanage my life for me, just as She said She would. I guess I must seriously be bad at a) living my own life and b) being obedient for this to happen. “I hurt you for your own good” indeed. I’m being assured that this isn’t truly a punishment, but it really does feel like it, especially when it’s phrased “This is to show you that We do follow through with what We say We’ll do.”