In Japan

I am blessed with the ability to have internet for the few days that I will be in Tokyo, so I thought I would write a little bit about my general mindset, while also trying not to fall asleep and making my jet lag worse. So, if incoherence happens, I apologize now. As Shamaness said, on a scale of one to TOAST!, I am now to the TOAST! level of tiredness. Mental acuity is not at its highest in Casa Baronessa.

These past day or so (I have no idea how long it has actually been), my emotions have been all over the place. I’ve lost a lot personally since Thursday, and I am still reeling from it all. I’ve lost all of my family, whom I’ve discovered I do still love very much. I’ve lost my long-time girlfriend to the distance. I’ve lost all that is comforting and familiar in one fell swoop. It’s not easy to rip away lifelong ties, and as much as I knew that I needed this, it still hurt me so much. I can’t even really tell you how many tears I have cried since Friday.

But, yeah. I have been surrounded by love of my Gods and in the hands of Susano, Whom I am learning to trust, just a little. I am looking forward to seeing how things go from here.

My new life starts now. ­čÖé

End of an Era

So, it is done. I’ve said good-bye to my family for good. I wish I could report that it was easy or that it was painless. It was neither. But, as I was told by my Gods, I did it, and I’m still not sure how I feel about it. It was confrontational in a way that makes me more than uncomfortable, and I had to endure the guilt my family was trying to put on me. It was terrible. I’m not going to lie or sugar-coat it. It was hard to go through.

Now, I am an orphan of my own making. I don’t know what I’m going to do now; I suppose anything my Gods want, especially since I’m still shackled. I know They will allow me to mourn, but not now. I’ve still got so much to do before I board a bus to my Pre-Departure Orientation. So, I’ll be signing off for a little while until I get internet again.

Until then, ja mata ne.

Still I Wonder

I still wonder sometimes why I am the Wife of Gods. I wonder why I would be chosen over the millions of women in the world by Them. Most of the time, I can’t fathom it. I look at myself in the mirror and see plain ol’ me. I don’t always see someone that could be loved of Gods.

I had a mini breakdown yesterday while trying on clothes for my upcoming move. Shamaness, her sister, and a friend were helping me find clothes, and everything I tried on made me feel so fat and unattractive. The clothes were very adorable, but every article seemed to look more and more hideous the more clothes I tried on. By the third or fourth dress, my self-confidence was shredded to pieces, and I couldn’t make myself try anymore on. But, my companions, bless them, did wonders for me. My confidence was never reestablished, but they did convince me to keep trying things on. In the end, I purchased 5 new dresses, 2 blazers, and a pair of comfy sandals. I still have several things I need, clothing-wise, but I have made leaps and bounds in that department.

Part of being shackled has been to confront my fears, with myself and with my Gods. I was forced yesterday to confront my own self-loathing as well as my deep-seated anxiety about money. The Gods are often very grueling task masters in matters of personal betterment, and I am more than certain that this can be included in that.

It’s hard to confront yourself in a mirror, to see yourself as O/others see you. This was something I was forced to do yesterday. I was made to see all of the good things about myself: how pretty my eyes are, my beautiful princess hair (Shamaness’ words, but I am beginning to understand now why my Husbands do not wish me to cut it), even my curves. My companions forced me to overlook my flaws (which are all I see), and it was the hardest thing to do.

I have never believed myself good enough to be a Wife. I never really understood why I was chosen or how They could love me. I want to believe it’s that I am beloved to Them, but most of the time I can only make myself believe that it’s because I am an asset to Them in some way, not simply because I am loved by Them. This came to a head when it was decided to shackle me: I’m really am not good enough at even living my own life, so how could I ever really hope to be a good Wife? How could I ever hope to be someone They wanted me to be when They have to shackle me and force change upon me? How could They want someone who is such a nuisance like me? “Because We love you” was never a good enough answer.

I’m human still, and I strugglebus constantly. But, I’m still loved of Gods, and I wish I wasn’t so broken that even that isn’t enough to overcome my damage. Yet, I must remember that They knew this was what They were getting when They agreed to be with Me in whatever fashion They have chosen. It still just boggles me that this is something They willingly undertook. Still I wonder, though, why this is. I may never truly know, just as I’m sure no Godspouse ever really knows why s/he was chosen by his or her Deity. I do hope to understand one of these days, and perhaps I will, but until then, I will still wonder.

Of Shackles and Cages

Dominion over me has passed from Baron to Loki, and little by little, I begrudgingly admit that I’m coming to trust Loki. Baron didn’t have the same length of time with me as Loki is to have and has had, so Baron will apparently be taking some time after I get to Japan to help me settle and to ensure an easier transition, as well as get me to trust Him as I’ve started to do with Loki. They have mentioned that having something (aka Someone) familiar with me will help ease me into my new life more easily instead of just plucking me from this life and hoping for the best. They seem to trust that Susano will take good care of me while I am in His domain, so I need to learn to trust Him and Their judgment of Him.

Next week will be more difficult for me when I will be passed to Poseidon for safe keeping, because of my own mortal hang-ups about fights and what not. I’ve spoken to Him once since that fight, which helped reduce some of the friction, but I’m still apprehensive. I don’t do well with this kind of thing, so I suppose it is a good thing that He is pretty good with all of this. He, in His own way and fashion, does in fact care about me, and I am going to have a rough time of acclimating myself to Him in a role that is more than just my girlfriend’s patron.

As for Sekhmet, well, She’s not on A/anyone’s favorites list with some of Her recent behavior. Her meddling has interfered with some of the plans my Husbands and Susano had planned out. I understand Her reasoning, but this does not endear Her to me at all. I’m just hoping They/She doesn’t decide to keep me shackled for a week longer so that I may be forced to learn to trust Her. I don’t think this will be the case, but I cannot be certain.

In short, “We will stop at nothing to ensure that you become the best person/Wife you can be” is a lesson I am learning very quickly. They’ve shown me this time and time again, but I’m seeing it very clearly now. I’m resigned to the fact that I have no choice in this and have very little fight left in me to try to free myself. There is still deep twinges of resentment and guilt and shame (the first for Them and the last two for me) every now and again, but I can’t do anything about it now. It’s just easier to do as I’m told. They’ve broken me, and They are going to have to put me back together once They have all the pieces They need to reassemble me into the person They wish me to be. We’ll see how these next few weeks go. World-Breaker is running rampant through my life, and He’s not yet done with me. It’s not all torture, and I am being rewarded for cooperation, so it’s not bad, but I think that is the point. All in all, it’s really is only difficult because I am making it be so. I’m not so good at shackles and cages.

Bumpy Roads

Since the epic sit-down and proceeding meltdown, it’s been very rough. It was decided on my Gods’ part that Baron shall have authority over my this week; Loki shall be next week (this’ll be fun); and Poseidon will be my final week before I leave. From there, I will be handed over to Susano for safekeeping for the most part while I am in Japan. They decided this because They didn’t want to have too many Deities trying to press me to do things all at once, all but ensuring that I disobey all of Them from sheer confusion and getting overwhelmed. I also learned that Sekhmet was the One who spearheaded this “take over Gisele’s life” initiative, which has made me even more wary of Her influence on/in my life. ┬áDespite learning of Their plans to make everything easier on me (both in terms of only having one Deity to listen to at a time and to make these last few weeks go easier for me), I have not taken this lack of autonomy well.

The first day, after a phone call to Shamaness when I woke up, I spent the entire day angry and practically screaming at Baron for doing this to me. I used every tactic in the book that I knew how to use to try to get Him to change His mind, to no avail. The truth is that I was very hurt still by Their words about me not being committed to my marriages as well as frightened out of my mind that They would abuse this power over me like I’ve always known authority figures to do so (mortal ones, at least). Yet, despite my overtly angry words and trying to push Him away, Baron remained constantly gentle and reassuring. He reminded me over and over again that I was loved even when I tried to push Him away from me. Eventually, I stopped being angry and became resigned to the fact that my choices were gone, and I have since tried to ignore the fact that I’m being led by the hand like a small child and rewarded for every task I do when I was asked to do it. Baron isn’t letting me ignore it, not really, because I need to undergo this “trial” mindfully, and I have no doubt that this weekend, I will get yet another sit-down.

It’s been a very bumpy road these past few days, but I’ve done as They’ve asked me to do, if only because I would rather have this gentleness from my Husbands than being forced along, fighting every step. It’s not an easy thing to do for me, and what little pride I have is bruised all to hell, but I’m doing it. They’ve yet to cause me harm to anything but my ego, so until They do so (which is unlikely), I will just go along with it.

I still don’t understand, though, why this was necessary. “Let’s show her that she can trust Us by forcing her to do stuff” doesn’t make much sense to me. I understand that They are having me do things I needed to do anyways in a more timely manner than I have been able to get myself to do all summer, but still. I guess after all this time I should know that pride/ego has no place within me. Maybe I will also learn after all this to get the full terms and conditions spelled out for me BEFORE I enter into any more agreements with the Gods, but knowing Them, it was always end with a “for now” clause to change our terms as They see fit.

I’m not looking forward to Loki’s dominion over me next week, but at least I know that Poseidon might be pleasant to have guide me (although, this may not be the case after getting into an argument with Him hours before the sit-down)… Alright, so I’m dreading these next two weeks. I’m just going to be straightforward and completely honest about this. I’m short-circuiting about everything, and I’m not really calm at all. So, I think my Deities have Their work cut out for Then, and I’m not proud of that. I feel like a nuisance and a bother and a million other things. Confidence = gone.

So, now that my calm bubble has popped, I’m going to curl back up under my covers. I tried fight, so now it’s time to try flight. It’s probably going to be futile, but it’s worth a shot, yes?

Laying Down the Law

I’ve been balking. I’ve been resistant. I’ve even been downright rebellious. However, as of today, that has come to an end.

I don’t trust easily. It’s just not natural for me after years of abuse and neglect at my family’s hands. From this, I’ve learned that the only one that I can truly rely on is myself to get my needs met. Theoretically, the exception to this rule should be that I should trust the Gods with my welfare, but with the neglect of the Christian god because I was already claimed by Another, I have not been able to make that exception a reality. It’s a very huge flaw of mine that They (my pantheon of Deities) have been very insistent on poking and prodding and making sure I’m VERY aware of it. Last night, though, was the pinnacle of this forced awareness, and it has left me reeling and hurt.

I’ve been fighting against losing any of my control over my life even as I’ve watched it slip from my fingers, and the more that I lose, the more caged I feel. Losing my freedom has been to much for me to handle, but the more I see my life spin out of my control and into Their control, the harder I fight Them. But, They’ve caged me, and They saw fit to talk to me about it last night through Shamaness. Neither of us had a choice in the matter as They took over our conversation without prior notice at all, to either of us. It showed me how truly powerless we are when it comes to Their Will, that They just humor us mortals when we try to use our own free will. If the outcome of this was to cow me and break me, well, They have but one more little push before They break my spirit entirely.

They questioned my commitment to my Marriages, a low blow considering I’m still not totally confident as a Wife, but a blow They dealt regardless. They told me that being Married was to give up control over my life to my Husbands, that I could flex my free will only within the confines that are placed upon me, and it was said that if I was truly committed to sharing my life with Them, I would give myself over to Them for safekeeping willingly, having not done so means I’ve not truly committed myself to my Marriages. I’ve been holding parts of myself back and keeping those parts to myself, and this has apparently put me in contempt of my vows as Their Wife. When I was told this, it was as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest and squeezed by the hands of the Gods. This was not something I was aware of (neither the relinquishing of my freedom to my Husbands nor the fact that I been keeping myself from Them), so to be told this at this time and for this reason was agonizing. I honestly would rather have been brutally beaten physically by Them than have had to endure these feelings.

All in all, it came down to this: either I relinquish the control over my life willingly or it will be taken from me. So, starting today, I will be, without question, doing exactly as I am told when I am told to do it. This really meant from that moment because right afterwards I was ordered to bed like a small child (“No, We don’t care that you are not tired.”). Shamaness told me that she felt an outpouring of love for me throughout this conversation, but I felt none of this. I still feel cold and numb, and when I mentioned this, They replied, “You are anxious and depressed. Let Us shoulder this burden for you.” The problem is that I just don’t know how to let A/anyone do this for me, and if I do, which was Their assertion, then I am not sure how to consciously do it.

My performance since that tense conversation with Sekhmet has apparently been lackluster since She is going to micromanage my life for me, just as She said She would. I guess I must seriously be bad at a) living my own life and b) being obedient for this to happen. “I hurt you for your own good” indeed. I’m being assured that this isn’t truly a punishment, but it really does feel like it, especially when it’s phrased “This is to show you that We do follow through with what We say We’ll do.”

Eep.

Leap of Faith?

There is only 3 weeks left until I leave for Japan, and I can feel my anxiety ratcheting up exponentially each day. There is so much left to do before I leave (and never look back). My emotions are all over the place, leaving me feeling fragile and insecure. Saying “overwhelmed” is what I’m feeling doesn’t quite feel right; it’s not strong enough of a word, I don’t think. In any case, I am suffering the consequences of these emotions to the Nth degree, what with migraines and nightmares plaguing me. So, as any “Gods-fearing” person would do, I have tried to seek solace in the arms of my Husbands and Deities. However, my lovely Loki has issued a request (more like an ultimatum) that has upped the stakes: quit your job by Friday, or I will have you fired.

Loki, being the known Troll that He is, does not usually throw these things at me so straightforward because I tend to balk and panic at anything I don’t have time to adjust to on my terms and pace. So, I was thinking that this was also a troll on His part just to see me flail for a moment, but one rune reading and one additional tarot reading ┬álater, I’m stuck with the knowledge that I have no choice (not really) but to do what He says. This means that there is going to be one less paycheck for me to take with me to Japan, which could mean I don’t have enough to live on, aka eat, when I get there. All in all, all this really means is that the emotional state I have been in has been worsened, especially due to the building migraine I have currently.

I’ve pretty much always been poor throughout the entirety of my life. I have watched as my mother went without food to ensure that my sister and I ate. I have lived in cheap rented apartments, house, trailer, etc, one after the other. I’ve gone without and also had to live on the generosity of other people. All this means is there are two outcomes from this sort of living: 1) I’m *always* anxious about money, and 2) I can live without some necessities, as I have done in the past, but due to #1, it makes it harder for me to do so. This is especially true since I’ve been involved in Shamaness’ life, whose family lives in excess most of the time. (Sorta side story/example: the first time her family took me out to dinner, they took me to a fancy Indian restaurant, where none of the entrees were under like $15. I almost couldn’t order because I had never spent that much money on a meal before. They just looked at me funny because Shamaness pretty much had to order for me.) I’m more self-conscious about it now because of this, and I honestly wish I could even have just a fraction of what they have, just so I could live comfortably and have some things I want, instead of having to be on food stamps and have to ask my girlfriend to buy me work pants and some shorts because I didn’t have the money at the time. Times are hard, I know, but what people define now as a “hard time” has been my life.

With this in consideration, should I take this leap of faith? Should I trust that His Trollness will provide for me now, when I need it most? It’s almost too much for me to comprehend, Someone providing for me in this way, and I’m not sure how or if I can handle much more of this uncertainty. I suppose I have no choice but to do as He has commanded, which makes everything worse. I hate being backed into a corner like this. It brings up the whole other of how much autonomy I really have and that I don’t feel like I have much anymore, but this is not a topic for today. I guess now is the time to figure out whether I truly trust my Husband or not. We’ll see, I guess.