There’s only a little over four weeks left before I leave for Japan, and I am feeling more and more frustrated with how everything is going. I’m not saving as much money as I would like. I’ve not purchased anything I need for when I get over there (which does include pretty much a new, more Japan appropriate wardrobe and business clothes). However, I am most especially frustrated with how people are treating me, even those that are closest to me. I’m being treated as if I’m dying, like leaving the country means that I have forfeited my life. It makes me simultaneously angry and upset that people keep treating me like I have a terminal disease. (I do not say this lightly, not after having lost my grandmother in January to cancer.) I just want to scream at the top of my lungs sometimes to get them to pay attention to me and not the fact that I’m leaving the country. I want people to be excited for me; not mourn for me. Even Shamaness, my girlfriend/bestest friend in my whole world, is mourning me even before I’ve gone. Days like today, it upsets me to the point of tears.
There are moments, like now, when I reflect on what is happening, I realize that, for most of the people in my world right now, I *am* dying. I think they know deep down that this time, I’m not looking back, that once I step foot on that bus to Chicago, it will be the last time they ever see me again. It’s the sacrifice I’ve sorta chosen for myself to make. My Husbands agree that this is what needs to happen, regardless of whether or not I agree with it. My Beloved Baron tells me, “The old, bad parts need to die in order to let the new, good stuff in. You need to die and be reborn so you can become the Wife I know you can be, the person you want to become.” I’m finding very little comfort in this at the moment, even though I know what He is saying is true.
I can see Odin’s hand in this as well, for Who better can guide someone through the spiritual death and rebirth process than Himself. For now I’m left to wonder what lesson is He trying to teach me in all of this, because there is always a lesson in everything He does with me.
So, in essence, I’m frustrated with people because they are picking up on this very soon to take place transformation, and I’m not sure how I should deal with it. I mean, how do you handle people actually being receptive to what’s going on in your (spiritual) life when you’ve never had this experience before? How do I convince the one person I am allowed to keep that this doesn’t apply to her? I know that there really are no good or easy answers, but I still wonder. I wish I knew what I could do to handle this better.
I have no choice but to go through with leaving for Japan, but my increasing fear is making me want to cower and try to back out of it anyways. It’s time for me to put on my big girl panties, though, and toughen up. Brace myself for the emotional impact that is going to hit me sometime in the very near future. However, I know that no matter what I do, it’s not going be enough.
This is probably going to keep coming up a lot in the near future, so I’m going to apologize now for any and all angst I may share here. After all, who else will I be able to share it with once I’m in Japan? So, in advance, I am sorry.
I’m going to go cuddle myself to sleep now. *wibble*