As it is to be expected of one who is involved with Lord Flaminess Himself, I have been dealing with a lot of changes lately. I can literally feel ties and bonds being cut away, especially the closer I get to moving out of the country. On the one hand, it’s kind of scary; I mean, everything that I have ever known is being sheared away. That is pretty terrifying. On the other hand, it’s really sad. There are things that are being severed that I didn’t know was going to be severed. Apparently, once I step on that airplane to go to Japan, I will only have one tie left to this country: Shamaness. I didn’t know that everything was going to be sacrificed. I didn’t know that I was pretty much going to orphan myself. I knew that there was a lot of things that I was going to have to leave behind, but I didn’t know it was going to be all the things. This was really driven home to me last weekend when I saw a friend that I hadn’t seen in over two years.
This friend of mine was one of the people (her sister included) that brought me into the fold of the Christian church I belonged to before I converted to being Pagan, and while I knew things would be different now that I am no longer a member, I didn’t realize how much of a difference I would feel while I was in their childhood home with them and their family. That home was, during my formative years, my safe haven from the not so ideal home life I had. This time around, being there made me feel like an intruder. While I was very glad to see my friend after such a long time, I was also very aware that this person, one that I would have called my best friend in years past, was no longer someone I could name as my best friend, not because of anything she had done, but because I have gone through some monumental changes recently.
One of the things that I don’t really talk about here, or in any other venue really, is my sexuality. I don’t feel it necessary to tell the whole world about it, and it’s not something I need to “work through”, so to speak. I also don’t feel like I want to be known for it only, or take on the rainbow mantle of the LGBTQ community just because I am not heterosexual. Being bisexual is what it is to me, and I’m alright with who I am. (I’m not putting anyone down when I say this; I’m just not the activist type, and drama of any kind terrifies me.) My friend knew that I am bisexual, but I wasn’t aware that I hadn’t told her husband about it or the fact that I am currently dating a woman, so when her husband asked me if I was leaving a relationship behind when I left for Japan and how long I had been in a relationship with him after I answered yes, and I answered truthfully that I had been with her for almost 2 years, I wasn’t expecting his response. At first he made me feel guilty for lying to him about being in a relationship every time he asked, then he went on to lecture me about needing to cast everything aside that does not further my future plans to be a wife and a mother before demeaning me even further about how sexual pleasure is not worth putting off aforementioned future plans. In essence, he reduced my relationship with my girlfriend of 2 years to being nothing but me seeking sexual pleasure. I realize now that this was his way of trying to be a “caring big brother”, but what he said upset me so much that I handed the phone back to my friend and started to cry.
Afterwards, my friend and I talked about what had happened and why I was so upset, and while we were talking, I could almost feel my Gods hold Their breaths, like They were waiting for me to revert back to my old way of handling things: say whatever it is that needs to be said, even if it’s a lie, to get the person off my back. I didn’t do that this time. I stood my ground and tried not to feel further insulted when my best friend talked about how the church doesn’t support same sex anything and that going to counseling was an option for me. I’m actually pretty proud of myself for just dealing with what she was saying without becoming more upset and keeping my own stance. Nothing about our talk resolved anything, but it helped solidify for me that I am not longer the weak person I had once been. I also knew then and there that these people, who I had once called my adoptive family, would be part of the sacrifice I am soon to make.
The ties with my adoptive family, the very ones I cherished more than my own biological family, are gone completely. These people, especially the ones that I counted as my best friends, no longer really know me. Throughout my conversation with my friend, all I kept wanting to say is, “You don’t know me anymore.” It was profoundly sorrowful for me to think this over and over and over again. This, I now realize, goes for all of the members of that family. I have further realized that the only thing keeping me here now is obligation (which, surprise, is now becoming obsolete).
One other thing that this solidified for me was actually seeing the differences between who I was even 6 months ago to now. I am no longer the scared little girl running from everything, but I am becoming the woman I was always meant to be. I can feel it within myself growing with each passing day, and it’s terrifying and wonderful all at the same time. There is a small part of me that has just wanted to jump up and down, screaming, “Look at who I am now! Can’t you see how much better I am? Can’t you see how awesome I am becoming? I’m different now!” to anyone and everyone that has ever known me, especially to my friend. Alas, does anyone else actually see the change, or does the ties being severed make it so that no one really sees who I am anymore? Clearly this is something that I cannot answer for myself, but it still weighs on my mind.
Normally I would not even have considered Loki to be subtle, but I can see now just how hard He’s been working in the background to help prepare me for my impending move. (His response to this: “There’s no need to make this more painful than it has to be.”) I’m panicking a little at the thought that I am not really being given a choice in this, but I know that I have to learn to trust that my Deities have my best interest in mind and are not going to put my through something this huge unnecessarily. This is the biggest trust building exercise with Them to date, and I get the feeling that They are waiting to see how I react when it actually happens, to see if I lash out at Them or let Them carry me when I need Them to.
There is no real good way to end this except to say that I guess we will see how much more change Loki can cram into the next 7-8ish weeks before I leave for Japan.