Frustration

There’s only a little over four weeks left before I leave for Japan, and I am feeling more and more frustrated with how everything is going. I’m not saving as much money as I would like. I’ve not purchased anything I need for when I get over there (which does include pretty much a new, more Japan appropriate wardrobe and business clothes). However, I am most especially frustrated with how people are treating me, even those that are closest to me. I’m being treated as if I’m dying, like leaving the country means that I have forfeited my life. It makes me simultaneously angry and upset that people keep treating me like I have a terminal disease. (I do not say this lightly, not after having lost my grandmother in January to cancer.) I just want to scream at the top of my lungs sometimes to get them to pay attention to me and not the fact that I’m leaving the country. I want people to be excited for me; not mourn for me. Even Shamaness, my girlfriend/bestest friend in my whole world, is mourning me even before I’ve gone. Days like today, it upsets me to the point of tears.

There are moments, like now, when I reflect on what is happening, I realize that, for most of the people in my world right now, I *am* dying. I think they know deep down that this time, I’m not looking back, that once I step foot on that bus to Chicago, it will be the last time they ever see me again. It’s the sacrifice I’ve sorta chosen for myself to make. My Husbands agree that this is what needs to happen, regardless of whether or not I agree with it. My Beloved Baron tells me, “The old, bad parts need to die in order to let the new, good stuff in. You need to die and be reborn so you can become the Wife I know you can be, the person you want to become.” I’m finding very little comfort in this at the moment, even though I know what He is saying is true.

I can see Odin’s hand in this as well, for Who better can guide someone through the spiritual death and rebirth process than Himself. For now I’m left to wonder what lesson is He trying to teach me in all of this, because there is always a lesson in  everything He does with me.

So, in essence, I’m frustrated with people  because they are picking up on this very soon to take place transformation, and I’m not sure how I should deal with it. I mean, how do you handle people actually being receptive to what’s going on in your (spiritual) life when you’ve never had this experience before? How do I convince the one person I am allowed to keep that this doesn’t apply to her? I know that there really are no good or easy answers, but I still wonder. I wish I knew what I could do to handle this better.

I have no choice but to go through with leaving for Japan, but my increasing fear is making me want to cower and try to back out of it anyways. It’s time for me to put on my big girl panties, though, and toughen up. Brace myself for the emotional impact that is going to hit me sometime in the very near future. However, I know that no matter what I do, it’s not going be enough.

This is probably going to keep coming up a lot in the near future, so I’m going to apologize now for any and all angst I may share here. After all, who else will I be able to share it with once I’m in Japan? So, in advance, I am sorry.

I’m going to go cuddle myself to sleep now. *wibble*

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The Only Sure Thing

As it is to be expected of one who is involved with Lord Flaminess Himself, I have been dealing with a lot of changes lately. I can literally feel ties and bonds being cut away, especially the closer I get to moving out of the country. On the one hand, it’s kind of scary; I mean, everything that I have ever known is being sheared away. That is pretty terrifying. On the other hand, it’s really sad. There are things that are being severed that I didn’t know was going to be severed. Apparently, once I step on that airplane to go to Japan, I will only have one tie left to this country: Shamaness. I didn’t know that everything was going to be sacrificed. I didn’t know that I was pretty much going to orphan myself. I knew that there was a lot of things that I was going to have to leave behind, but I didn’t know it was going to be all the things. This was really driven home to me last weekend when I saw a friend that I hadn’t seen in over two years.

This friend of mine was one of the people (her sister included) that brought me into the fold of the Christian church I belonged to before I converted to being Pagan, and while I knew things would be different now that I am no longer a member, I didn’t realize how much of a difference I would feel while I was in their childhood home with them and their family. That home was, during my formative years, my safe haven from the not so ideal home life I had. This time around, being there made me feel like an intruder. While I was very glad to see my friend after such a long time, I was also very aware that this person, one that I would have called my best friend in years past, was no longer someone I could name as my best friend, not because of anything she had done, but because I have gone through some monumental changes recently.

One of the things that I don’t really talk about here, or in any other venue really, is my sexuality. I don’t feel it necessary to tell the whole world about it, and it’s not something I need to “work through”, so to speak. I also don’t feel like I want to be known for it only, or take on the rainbow mantle of the LGBTQ community just because I am not heterosexual. Being bisexual is what it is to me, and I’m alright with who I am. (I’m not putting anyone down when I say this; I’m just not the activist type, and drama of any kind terrifies me.) My friend knew that I am bisexual, but I wasn’t aware that I hadn’t told her husband about it or the fact that I am currently dating a woman, so when her husband asked me if I was leaving a relationship behind when I left for Japan and how long I had been in a relationship with him after I answered yes, and I answered truthfully that I had been with her for almost 2 years, I wasn’t expecting his response. At first he made me feel guilty for lying to him about being in a relationship every time he asked, then he went on to lecture me about needing to cast everything aside that does not further my future plans to be a wife and a mother before demeaning me even further about how sexual pleasure is not worth putting off aforementioned future plans. In essence,  he reduced my relationship with my girlfriend of 2 years to being nothing but me seeking sexual pleasure. I realize now that this was his way of trying to be a “caring big brother”, but what he said upset me so much that I handed the phone back to my friend and started to cry.

Afterwards, my friend and I talked about what had happened and why I was so upset, and while we were talking, I could almost feel my Gods hold Their breaths, like They were waiting for me to revert back to my old way of handling things: say whatever it is that needs to be said, even if it’s a lie, to get the person off my back. I didn’t do that this time. I stood my ground and tried not to feel further insulted when my best friend talked about how the church doesn’t support same sex anything and that going to counseling was an option for me. I’m actually pretty proud of myself for just dealing with what she was saying without becoming more upset and keeping my own stance. Nothing about our talk resolved anything, but it helped solidify for me that I am not longer the weak person I had once been. I also knew then and there that these people, who I had once called my adoptive family, would be part of the sacrifice I am soon to make.

 

The ties with my adoptive family, the very ones I cherished more than my own biological family, are gone completely. These people, especially the ones that I counted as my best friends, no longer really know me. Throughout my conversation with my friend, all I kept wanting to say is, “You don’t know me anymore.” It was profoundly sorrowful for me to think this over and over and over again. This, I now realize, goes for all of the members of that family. I have further realized that the only thing keeping me here now is obligation (which, surprise, is now becoming obsolete).

One other thing that this solidified for me was actually seeing the differences between who I was even 6 months ago to now. I am no longer the scared little girl running from everything, but I am becoming the woman I was always meant to be. I can feel it within myself growing with each passing day, and it’s terrifying and wonderful all at the same time. There is a small part of me that has just wanted to jump up and down, screaming, “Look at who I am now! Can’t you see how much better I am? Can’t you see how awesome I am becoming? I’m different now!” to anyone and everyone that has ever known me, especially to my friend. Alas, does anyone else actually see the change, or does the ties being severed make it so that no one really sees who I am anymore? Clearly this is something that I cannot answer for myself, but  it still weighs on my mind.

Normally I would not even have considered Loki to be subtle, but I can see now just how hard He’s been working in the background to help prepare me for my impending move. (His response to this: “There’s no need to make this more painful than it has to be.”) I’m panicking a little at the thought that I am not really being given a choice in this, but I know that I have to learn to trust that my Deities have my best interest in mind and are not going to put my through something this huge unnecessarily. This is the biggest trust building exercise with Them to date, and I get the feeling that They are waiting to see how I react when it actually happens, to see if I lash out at Them or let Them carry me when I need Them to.

There is no real good way to end this except to say that I guess we will see how much more change Loki can cram into the next 7-8ish weeks before I leave for Japan.

And Now, For a Brief Interruption…

For a little while now, I have been getting regular visits from the Ghede. Now, if you know anything about them or their Master (aka Baron), you will understand when I say that they are a ridiculous and raucous bunch with a penchant for having a bunch of fun. I’m seeing them more and more as I  am “evolving”, and I have to say that sometimes it’s a bit jarring to be walking in two places at once and see a rowdy group of Ghede being themselves. They have started to visit me at work, and inevitably my rate plummets afterwards because they distract me like nothing else (in a good way).

I started seeing them right after I arrived in Orlando this past March. As I may have mentioned then (or may not have), the last 3 days of my trip I was very sick with high fevers, to the point of hallucinations of the auditory and visual variety. Or so I thought. What it was, to my realization now, was that I was hyper-sensitive to Other stimuli, so when I started seeing a motley crew of men dressed as Disney princesses and women as the princes, it was so very… Ridiculous and just what I needed right then. Since then, they usually appear to me as various Disney princesses, to which I owe the honor of the plummet in rate.

I have noticed recently that they get along well with Loki, which if left alone together I fear will be the catalyst for many bad things to happen. While I am glad my Husband and my other Husband’s people get along well together, I do not trust them to be together in a room for longer than five minutes together. Think about it: Trickster + Ghede that love mischief = disaster. The last thing I need right now is to deal with the aftermath of whatever they cook up together. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against letting the children (lol) play, but it would be such a wreck.

This is, of course, my opinion. I don’t think they agree.

Anyways, I am starting to think of the Ghede as my people, which probably means something, but I don’t think I have the emotional capacity to think of what that means right now. I love that they appear to me in a guise that they know will make me laugh and make me feel better when I am in a not so great mood. They really do make me happy, and I am grateful for their presence in my life (even if, when I think about it, they have always been in my life). Also, even if their presence is often an interruption to whatever it is I am doing at the time, they are always a hoot.

So, here’s to you, my Ghede horde. To the infinite laughs and princess outfits and mischief.