So, I recently started a new job working at a warehouse here in my hometown, and since then, I have been through the emotional roller coaster from my worst nightmares. Firstly, I have to say that this job was not my own doing. It was something that Loki wanted me to do since I have been near phobic of this type of work since the last time I had worked in a warehouse the summer before my last year in college. (I spent the better part of a week in a panic attack on the bathroom floor of the apartment I was living in. One of the worst weeks of my life.) Of course, my hand was forced seeing as I need a ridiculous amount of money for Japan, and I had not had any luck anywhere else before this. Being desperate as I was/am, I took this job, because there really was nothing else. This did not mean that I took it gratefully or well. I cannot tell you how many tears I cried or how much internal screaming I have done. I mean, hell, I cried driving up to the place my first day.
Loki’s reasoning for giving me this job was threefold: 1) it’s a job, and I need the money; 2) this was something He deemed necessary for me to overcome my fears; and 3) it was to humble me because I was too prideful. The first two are pretty self-explanatory, but the third I am still grappling with. The third is tied very much into deep-seated issues I still have that apparently He no longer wishes me to have. I will explain.
Warehouse work has always been what my family (in general) has done for work. Even now, I can name off about 8 family members off the top of my head, including my mother and sister, that work in a warehouse at this very moment. For several summers, I too worked in a warehouse between semesters of college, and I hated every moment, but for me, it was something I needed to do to have money when I got back to school. After that the week I had a panic attack, I went on medication (which nearly broke me because I did NOT want to get on them at all) and promised myself I would never go back and work at a warehouse ever again. So, since I graduated from college, I have fought to keep this promise myself. Fought tooth and nail to avoid what I now see was inevitable.
Now before someone says, “so what does your family have to do with this?”, I have always tried to transcend my familial situation. I come from a long line of barely educated, young mothers who never achieved anything aside from having children. Don’t get me wrong: I see nothing wrong with motherhood (at the right age, mind you), but I always wanted to do more with my life than just have children. I wanted to break out of the cycle that my family seems stuck in and transcend the family I was born into. It was the reason I went to college. It has always been the reason why I did the things I did. So, after I graduated college, I thought that I would finally be able to do just that, be better than they were/are. However, I have been reminded time after time after time after time that this is not the case, that I am no better than they are. That my pridefulness in thinking that I was better than them was nothing more than hubris. Loki has made sure that I no longer am able to feel like I am better than my family. He took a bat to whatever pride I had in myself and smashed it to pieces.
So, now I am working in a job that I promised myself that I would never work again, and without the aid of my medication because it apparently expired despite having 12 more refills on it. (My meds are another sore spot for me, especially since now that I have no more, I obviously can’t take them, and Loki already punished me for not taking then once by putting a freaking boot on my car.) I honestly feel like He has personally kicked me back into the black abyss that I felt like I was finally starting to climb out of. This probably isn’t true at all. In fact, I hope that it really isn’t at all and that I am reading it all wrong because my brain is reverting to it’s pre-med state. However, the more I think about, the more I feel, the more I hurt. I feel betrayed and hurt and panicky.
I am tired of people telling me it’s just a job, because FOR ME it is not ‘just a job’. It represents so much more than that, and the fact that no matter what I think, I am apparently wrong in how I feel. I am still intensely upset about all of this. Gods, I have even cried just writing this up. It may not make sense to anyone else, and I don’t expect it to. In my isolation, in the moments before I will make the greatest sacrifice I will have ever made for the sake of my Gods, I just wanted some peace and for something to go easily for me for once, but now I see. Now I see that this was not meant to be. I have to fight everything and everyone to get what I want. Hells, not just what I want, what I need, and even then, I am not sure it’s ever going to be enough.
In the end, I guess I just need to be resigned to the fact that They will do with me as They see fit, regardless of how I feel.
Is that the way it’s supposed to be?
Edit: I would like to add, for the sake of not offending anyone, that I, on a rational level, do not have any real quarrel with warehouse work. It is a job that needs to be done by someone, and I have to respect people that do what they have to do to make a living. I speak from an irrational level, and I do not mean to say that I look down on everyone that works this type of job. It really has everything to do with, for me, what I have seen from my family and the fact that I have little to no respect for them at all. So, to anyone I may have offended, it was not my intention, and I apologize.