There are some days when I am reminded very much that despite being 24, an adult in my own right, I am indeed immature and young yet. I feel like a child bride compared to my Grooms. There are many examples of this, but one of the most recent examples is one that I am having trouble shaking off.
I have been under a great amount of stress recently. Money and joblessness are the first and foremost of these stressors, and since I will be moving to Japan in July, this has been eating me up from the inside out. This coupled with my depression has made me difficult to be around (and for those of you who are around me and have to deal with my general demonish behavior/moods, I apologize, and I commend you on being able to handle it). I have tried to keep from being a total terror, especially to my Husbands, but still I struggle, especially since They are always in my head and can hear my every thought, uncensored as they are. My stress has been wreaking havoc upon my already shaky discernment, so all of this together is a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. Oh, and did it ever explode.
I am not going to go into detail about what exactly happened, but what I will say is this: my crappy discernment caused me to explode at Baron. Well, He just happened to be the One who happened to be near my mental microphone at the time that my internal bomb detonated. I tried to not explode at Him, but it happened anyways, much to my shame. I had hit my limit of being able to handle shit happening to me. Mind you, this was mostly an internal explosion that leaked outward, but I did my fair share of what really, now that I look back, was a tantrum. I was upset for the rest of the day, and Baron was upset as well.
All in all, I acted the child, and in the end was reminded that, compared to my Husbands, I am but a toddler with mostly untethered emotions. My Husbands know how to handle me when I am explosively upset, but I always feel so guilty afterwards that I have forced Them to deal with such abhorrent and immature behavior. They have forgiven me of course. They love me and understand I am under much mental and emotional duress at the moment, but I still have not forgiven myself for it. I will eventually forgive and forget, but hot damn do I need a break.
Anyways, yeah. There it is. It’s a good thing the Gods are, from what I have found, patient Beings, because otherwise I would be in deeeeep trouble right now. It also helps that They love me or something. *grin*