I have been going through a sort of personal metamorphosis recently, and my eyes have been opening more and more because of it. Some of it has to do with deepening devotion to my Gods, and some of it has to do with things that are happening in my life, but as things are progressing, I am finding that my ability to empathize is coming back and that I am understanding my Deities better. I think part of it is me coming out of a particularly dark time in my life, a darkness that I have visited several time before that only gets worse with every time I pass through it.
Now that the darkness is passing, I am getting profound moments of clarity about my Gods. The Deities in my life, and this comes as no surprise to me, either have difficult pasts or have jobs that are not the easiest to perform. My sweet Baron, for example, digs the graves of all those who pass to the other side. Can you imagine the heartache He must feel when He has to perform these duties? Can you imagine how much He mourns with those that have just lost their loved ones? I’m sure (though I cannot say for certain because I am not Him) that there are those that are easier than other, that are more of a relief or just a passing moment sadness, but I cannot imagine how much sadness He must feel when He has to bury a child. I don’t think it occurs to many people that this formidable God mourns too. I also understand that I work with a side of Baron that very few get to see, a softer side, but I would hope that even those who do not work with this side of Him would remember that He, too, bears a great burden and all the feelings that come with that burden.
With Loki, I cannot even begin to describe the crippling sadness I have felt when He thinks of His sons, and how much pain He feels when He sees me with the children I work with and playing with my 1 year old nephew. He was a father that lost His children for performing His function within His pantheon, and He grieves still for those two, sweet boys of His. On the flip side of this, I have seen Him at His most terrifying, the Breaker of Worlds, bent on destruction and revenge for this loss. Yet, I have seen how soft His eyes get when He has to perform this duty for me, break my world so that I may become a better me. Fool He may be to some (or all), I feel we should never forget that He has suffered too.
In these last few days, as I have rejoiced in happiness for getting something I have wanted for a very long time, I have also become keenly aware of how much my Gods need me, just as much as I have come to need them. They ask so little of me, Both just asking that I love Them, and sometimes it makes me feel guilty that They do so much for me. However, I do fulfill a vital function for Them as Their wife. I am what They need me to be: a comfort, a lover, a friend, a bastion. If that means I must watch silently as Baron digs graves and hold Him afterwards when it becomes too much, I will. If that means I must deal with and take on part of Loki’s grief and sadness and hold Him, comfort Him when He cannot deal with it on His own, then I will. I can and will be whatever They need me to be, whenever that may be.
Sometimes, in the craziness of trying to learn the runes from Odin or Wyrd-working with the Norns or what ever else I am taking on at the time, I forget that my primary function as of right now is to just be what They need me to be: Their wife. I forget that, as Odin has told me a few times now, I need to take care me of me too so that I may be the best wife and Spiritworker I can be. They need me to be well, not just because They have things They need me to do, but because They love me. With the recent clarity I have had, I have started to make the changes to start doing just that, to serve my Beloveds best and to be able to love Both of Them to the fullest.
The lesson here is that just be what your Deities need you to be. I know from personal experience that sometimes this can be the hardest thing in the world to do, especially when you are getting in your own way. But, I have found more joy and gratification from just being than I have with anything else, when I am doing exactly as They have asked, and my Loves could not be happier now that I am not fighting Them or holding anything back from Them. As things in my life are falling into place, I have to wonder why I hadn’t ever realized this before, and I hope with everything in my heart that I remember this lesson until my days are spent.