Leavin’ on a JET Plane!

So, come the end of July, I will be leaving small town, USA for Japan.

*insert happy dance here*

I will be going there to teach English as an assistant teacher and will be there for at least a year. I have worked very hard for this position, and I still have a lot of hard work to put in before I get there, but I am certain it will be worth it in the end. This has been my dream since I got into college.

*insert more happy dancing here*

Anyways, I will be writing in a separate blog about my experiences there, which can be found here: http://giseleisajet.wordpress.com/ . Please feel free to jump on over there if learning about Japan and living there as a foreigner sounds interesting. Now, I am going to go back to my own personal happy party. 😛

 

What’s My Age Again?

There are some days when I am reminded very much that despite being 24, an adult in my own right, I am indeed immature and young yet. I feel like a child bride compared to my Grooms. There are many examples of this, but one of the most recent examples is one that I am having trouble shaking off.

I have been under a great amount of stress recently. Money and joblessness are the first and foremost of these stressors, and since I will be moving to Japan in July, this has been eating me up from the inside out. This coupled with my depression has made me difficult to be around (and for those of you who are around me and have to deal with my general demonish behavior/moods, I apologize, and I commend you on being able to handle it). I have tried to keep from being a total terror, especially to my Husbands, but still I struggle, especially since They are always in my head and can hear my every thought, uncensored as they are. My stress has been wreaking havoc upon my already shaky discernment, so all of this together is a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. Oh, and did it ever explode.

I am not going to go into detail about what exactly happened, but what I will say is this: my crappy discernment caused me to explode at Baron. Well, He just happened to be the One who happened to be near my mental microphone at the time that my internal bomb detonated. I tried to not explode at Him, but it happened anyways, much to my shame. I had hit my limit of being able to handle shit happening to me. Mind you, this was mostly an internal explosion that leaked outward, but I did my fair share of what really, now that I look back, was a tantrum. I was upset for the rest of the day, and Baron was upset as well.

All in all, I acted the child, and in the end was reminded that, compared to my Husbands, I am but a toddler with mostly untethered emotions. My Husbands know how to handle me when I am explosively upset, but I always feel so guilty afterwards that I have forced Them to deal with such abhorrent and immature behavior. They have forgiven me of course. They love me and understand I am under much mental and emotional duress at the moment, but I still have not forgiven myself for it. I will eventually forgive and forget, but hot damn do I need a break.

Anyways, yeah. There it is. It’s a good thing the Gods are, from what I have found, patient Beings, because otherwise I would be in deeeeep trouble right now. It also helps that They love me or something. *grin*

“I Believe”

So, I am feeling incredibly sappy today, so I decided to share a song that I have recently started to associate with my Beloveds Baron and Loki. It’s called “I Believe (When I Fall in Love It Will be Forever)” by Josh Groban, and it is a remake of a Stevie Wonder song. It’s just an incredibly amazing song, and I really love it. Why? Because I really do believe that I will love Them forever.

I hope you enjoy.

What You Need Me to Be

I have been going through a sort of personal metamorphosis recently, and my eyes have been opening more and more because of it. Some of it has to do with deepening devotion to my Gods, and some of it has to do with things that are happening in my life, but as things are progressing, I am finding that my ability to empathize is coming back and that I am understanding my Deities better. I think part of it is me coming out of a particularly dark time in my life, a darkness that I have visited several time before that only gets worse with every time I pass through it.

Now that the darkness is passing, I am getting profound moments of clarity about my Gods. The Deities in my life, and this comes as no surprise to me, either have difficult pasts or have jobs that are not the easiest to perform. My sweet Baron, for example, digs the graves of all those who pass to the other side. Can you imagine the heartache He must feel when He has to perform these duties? Can you imagine how much He mourns with those that have just lost their loved ones? I’m sure (though I cannot say for certain because I am not Him) that there are those that are easier than other, that are more of a relief or just a passing moment sadness, but I cannot imagine how much sadness He must feel when He has to bury a child. I don’t think it occurs to many people that this formidable God mourns too. I also understand that I work with a side of Baron that very few get to see, a softer side, but I would hope that even those who do not work with this side of Him would remember that He, too, bears a great burden and all the feelings that come with that burden.

With Loki, I cannot even begin to describe the crippling sadness I have felt when He thinks of His sons, and how much pain He feels when He sees me with the children I work with and playing with my 1 year old nephew. He was a father that lost His children for performing His function within His pantheon, and He grieves still for those two, sweet boys of His. On the flip side of this, I have seen Him at His most terrifying, the Breaker of Worlds, bent on destruction and revenge for this loss. Yet, I have seen how soft His eyes get when He has to perform this duty for me, break my world so that I may become a better me. Fool He may be to some (or all), I feel we should never forget that He has suffered too.

In these last few days, as I have rejoiced in happiness for getting something I have wanted for a very long time, I have also become keenly aware of how much my Gods need me, just as much as I have come to need them. They ask so little of me, Both just asking that I love Them, and sometimes it makes me feel guilty that They do so much for me. However, I do fulfill a vital function for Them as Their wife. I am what They need me to be: a comfort, a lover, a friend, a bastion. If that means I must watch silently as Baron digs graves and hold Him afterwards when it becomes too much, I will. If that means I must deal with and take on part of Loki’s grief and sadness and hold Him, comfort Him when He cannot deal with it on His own, then I will. I can and will be whatever They need me to be, whenever that may be.

Sometimes, in the craziness of trying to learn the runes from Odin or Wyrd-working with the Norns or what ever else I am taking on at the time, I forget that my primary function as of right now is to just be what They need me to be: Their wife. I forget that, as Odin has told me a few times now, I need to take care me of me too so that I may be the best wife and Spiritworker I can be. They need me to be well, not just because They have things They need me to do, but because They love me. With the recent clarity I have had, I have started to make the changes to start doing just that, to serve my Beloveds best and to be able to love Both of Them to the fullest.

The lesson here is that just be what your Deities need you to be. I know from personal experience that sometimes this can be the hardest thing in the world to do, especially when you are getting in your own way. But, I have found more joy and gratification from just being than I have with anything else, when I am doing exactly as They have asked, and my Loves could not be happier now that I am not fighting Them or holding anything back from Them. As things in my life are falling into place, I have to wonder why I hadn’t ever realized this before, and I hope with everything in my heart that I remember this lesson until my days are spent.

Odinic Parallels

I’ve been noticing recently that I am in a life-space that parallels a few of Odin’s Paths. Well, it’s hard not to notice the similarities when the “Man” Himself shows up to talk to you about these things, but it has been in my awareness more and more as of late how my life is very Odinic at the moment. I am walking this Path alone, without mortal aid and with  the revulsion of my family for my recent changes, hence I am an Outcast. I am a Seeker, a Seeker of knowledge and have willingly/will willingly sacrifice for the knowledge I Seek. I am a Wanderer, having no home and belonging nowhere. For this short period in my life, I will be as Odin is, albeit very mortal. I cannot say that I am Him, because I am not, and to say otherwise would not only be hubris, but stupid nonetheless. However, I can say that since learning of these parallels, I better understand (and I dare say like) Odin much better now.

To say that He and I have not gotten along well is not quite right, but the rocky relationship I have with Him is completely my own doing. I am one of those people that are “slow to warm up”, which really means I need to observe and determine on my own time whether or not I can like and trust you, and it is this reason that I have not always been very receptive to Him. It’s my downfall, my flaw that this happens, did happen, and I have been very sad that (I thought) I drove Him off because I was too prickly and resistant to Him. However, through His good grace and forgiveness, He has seen fit to come back into my life and start working with me again. Already, I have learned more from Him than I could have ever imagined.

I am grateful for His return into my life, and although I have had to move around my schedule, I am more than happy to have Odin back into my orbit. I am so excited to learn  from Him the mysteries He is willing to teach me. From here on out, I am going to do my best to trust Him, knowing that He is not going to do anything to betray my trust in Him and that He is not going to make me do anything that I would absolutely hate. In return, I shall give Him what He has asked of me (which I will not divulge here). I am so grateful.