In a previous post, I mentioned how I really did NOT want this spiritual Path that I walk. Heck, the more I learn about any of my Paths, the less I want anything to do with anything remotely dealing with my Paths. There are several reasons for this, but the most prominent one is that I have major clinical depression. Now, in admitting this, I know I am opening myself up for a lot of criticism. Not only because I have admitted to not liking my Path but also because I have a mental illness (aka an “invisible illness”). When it comes from the latter, I have been hammered hard when it comes to hearing everyone else’s opinion, everywhere from “just suck it up” to “you’re just lazy”.
The truth is, now that I am a polytheist/Pagan/whatever you want to call me, I am more isolated and alone than ever before. Sure, I have the love of my Gods and Goddesses. I am NOT downplaying how blessed I am in that arena, not at all. I know that I am blessed and lucky to have the Deities in my life. However, I have no community now as I forfeited that when I converted to polytheism. I came from a sect of Christianity that was very big on building communities and maintaining the bond between not only themselves, but also those that were not a part of their religion. Now that I have given that up (yet another sacrifice I have made for my Gods), I am alone in this big world, with only one exception: Shamaness, but she has her own issues she deals with on a daily basis.
I do what I can to try to minimize this feeling. I read blogs about other Pagan/polytheist/whatever to learn from them, to feel a sense of connection to something larger than myself so I don’t feel like I am alone in this growing world. For what it’s worth, I don’t just read other Godspouses’ blogs either. I may be a Spouse, but I am also a baby Spiritworker too, and I know that I need more than just a Spouse’s view on this crazy new place I now reside.
I do find strength in what I read from other people. I find new ways of looking at everything, and I get some food for thought. However, sometimes I get discouraged and weaken in my resolve. I mean, how do you ask for help in a place where you know no one and where the elders (those that have been doing this for FAR longer than I have) give off the vibe/expressly said that us new kids should just learn everything on our own, to let our Gods guide us and mold us as They will? I understand the concept that is being applied here. I understand the irritation that my elders have with the newbies. However, to a mind with a depression deep enough that not even my God can fully pierce, how do you think I interpret that? “Work it out on your own, kid.” This doesn’t sound like much to anyone else, but to me, someone who can no longer deny that she needs help, it sounds like what everyone has ever said about my depression: “suck it up and put your big girl panties on.” I know I’m not special or entitled to anything, but how I yearn to reach out and have someone be there.
I cannot generalize for other newbies out there, but I wonder if this is what others like me feel like. I miss my community, and it makes me really sad to say that if I could go back to how it was before, back when I was being ignored by the Christian God, I might actually do it. At least there were people there that could help me if I needed it, but I am no longer privileged enough to go back to, not without hurting myself more, but also hurting the Deities that love me.
It’s hard to admit that I need more than just my Gods, that I couldn’t be like a Pagan Dragon Warrior and survive only on the dew on the morning grass and the energy of the universe. That’s not me. I need people around me who actually care about what I think about and actually believe what I believe. This isn’t in my stars for me right now, not during this weird rut/transition period I am going through, but Gods do I want it.
So, in general, I feel like an island. I’m not asking for sympathy or even expect it (I don’t expect anything from anyone anymore). I’m not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me either. I needed this off my chest, and I literally have no other outlet for it. So, I am sorry for may be utter nonsense, but thank you for reading nonetheless.