Early this week, I was lamenting about the lack of community I felt now that I am a Pagan and how I felt there was no one I could turn to for guidance. This article really hit the nail on the head, so to speak, and spoke volumes about why this was. As someone new to the “scene”, I can tell you exactly how welcome I feel (which is not at all), and how intensely lost I feel without someone corporeal to look to for guidance as I take baby steps down my Path. I can also tell you how ridiculously censored I am for fear of ridicule and general assholery from the internet at large. I know no one out there really cares about what I say here, but I would really prefer to not have some wanker posting offensive or inflammatory comments on what is essentially part of my devotional practice for my Gods. All in all, this article could not have been more perfectly timed for me, and I am grateful it was written. Hopefully it will have some impact. This newbie certainly hopes so.
This morning, after being not-so-nicely awoken, I had a short but lovely talk with my beloved Baron. It was nothing serious, just quiet whispers and general oneness with each other, but one thing that really stuck out to me was when he said, “I waited for you.” This always makes me smile and feel like I am special and worthy of His love.
Also, I rewatched for the first time “Breaking Dawn Pt 2”, which was our first “date” together. For a long time, I thought that it was this movie that helped make me ok with becoming His bride, but once I got to the end of the movie, I realized that it was the song “A Thousand Years” that really made everything ok in my mind. It made me tear up and remind me of why I love my Beloved.
Baron has generously agreed to let this be “our” song for the time being, even though I get the feeling that He doesn’t like it. But, He loves me, and He indulges me way more than I probably deserve. I love Him, more than my own life.
For a short while now, Shamaness has had a new Goddess in her orbit, and for a while, this new Lady had chosen to remain anonymous until just recently. However, once the Lady chose to reveal Herself (aka gave Shamaness clues to follow to figure it out on her own), we found that there wasn’t much on this particular Goddess. This being the case, and me being in the circumstances where I can help, I asked Ayao if she would like me to write about her on my blog so that other people may know how amazing She is. She agreed to this proposition. So, as promised, this is Ayao, the Orisha of air, in Her own words.
“I am Ayao. How you pronounce My name is up to you, though I would prefer Ah-ya-oh. I am a lesser known Orisha from the Lucumi/Santeria religion, and My dominion is air. My sister is Oya, who is more well known than I am. My favorite colors are brown and green, and I prefer to be associated with tornadoes and whirlwinds. It is said by some that no articles dedicated to Me are to touch the ground, but I am not so stingy on what is offered, and not even I can stop the pull of gravity. (smile) I am also quite partial to feathers and leaves from very tell trees.
“I am a warrior, a fierce, fierce warrior, so making Me your enemy is not advisable. I am not without a sense of humor, however, and I do not take offense easily, like some Gods I know. I am fond of bows and arrows, as they are My weapon of choice, as well as crossbows. I am a huntress and still prefer the thrill of the chase when on the hunt. Did you know that I prefer deer hunting? I suppose not, but hunting people is fun too… I am joking, of course. Though, I have to admit to a certain level of fascination with humans, and because I am not as well known as my sister, I must “hunt” for followers.
“I am a lady of many mysteries. Just as air is never seen but felt, I too have come to be this way. I did not choose this for myself, but I do not wish to change who I am. I am Ayao. I am amazing, fierce, and determined. If you ever feel an insistent wind or are drawn to the air, perhaps it is I who is approaching you. I will never turn down alcohol or candy, should you choose to share (wink). Now that you know who I am, you should be prepared if I ever come calling.”
In a previous post, I mentioned how I really did NOT want this spiritual Path that I walk. Heck, the more I learn about any of my Paths, the less I want anything to do with anything remotely dealing with my Paths. There are several reasons for this, but the most prominent one is that I have major clinical depression. Now, in admitting this, I know I am opening myself up for a lot of criticism. Not only because I have admitted to not liking my Path but also because I have a mental illness (aka an “invisible illness”). When it comes from the latter, I have been hammered hard when it comes to hearing everyone else’s opinion, everywhere from “just suck it up” to “you’re just lazy”.
The truth is, now that I am a polytheist/Pagan/whatever you want to call me, I am more isolated and alone than ever before. Sure, I have the love of my Gods and Goddesses. I am NOT downplaying how blessed I am in that arena, not at all. I know that I am blessed and lucky to have the Deities in my life. However, I have no community now as I forfeited that when I converted to polytheism. I came from a sect of Christianity that was very big on building communities and maintaining the bond between not only themselves, but also those that were not a part of their religion. Now that I have given that up (yet another sacrifice I have made for my Gods), I am alone in this big world, with only one exception: Shamaness, but she has her own issues she deals with on a daily basis.
I do what I can to try to minimize this feeling. I read blogs about other Pagan/polytheist/whatever to learn from them, to feel a sense of connection to something larger than myself so I don’t feel like I am alone in this growing world. For what it’s worth, I don’t just read other Godspouses’ blogs either. I may be a Spouse, but I am also a baby Spiritworker too, and I know that I need more than just a Spouse’s view on this crazy new place I now reside.
I do find strength in what I read from other people. I find new ways of looking at everything, and I get some food for thought. However, sometimes I get discouraged and weaken in my resolve. I mean, how do you ask for help in a place where you know no one and where the elders (those that have been doing this for FAR longer than I have) give off the vibe/expressly said that us new kids should just learn everything on our own, to let our Gods guide us and mold us as They will? I understand the concept that is being applied here. I understand the irritation that my elders have with the newbies. However, to a mind with a depression deep enough that not even my God can fully pierce, how do you think I interpret that? “Work it out on your own, kid.” This doesn’t sound like much to anyone else, but to me, someone who can no longer deny that she needs help, it sounds like what everyone has ever said about my depression: “suck it up and put your big girl panties on.” I know I’m not special or entitled to anything, but how I yearn to reach out and have someone be there.
I cannot generalize for other newbies out there, but I wonder if this is what others like me feel like. I miss my community, and it makes me really sad to say that if I could go back to how it was before, back when I was being ignored by the Christian God, I might actually do it. At least there were people there that could help me if I needed it, but I am no longer privileged enough to go back to, not without hurting myself more, but also hurting the Deities that love me.
It’s hard to admit that I need more than just my Gods, that I couldn’t be like a Pagan Dragon Warrior and survive only on the dew on the morning grass and the energy of the universe. That’s not me. I need people around me who actually care about what I think about and actually believe what I believe. This isn’t in my stars for me right now, not during this weird rut/transition period I am going through, but Gods do I want it.
So, in general, I feel like an island. I’m not asking for sympathy or even expect it (I don’t expect anything from anyone anymore). I’m not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me either. I needed this off my chest, and I literally have no other outlet for it. So, I am sorry for may be utter nonsense, but thank you for reading nonetheless.
I am more than aware it has been quite a while since I last wrote here, but I have been recovering from several ordeals as of late and have needed the time to just relax. My trip to Orlando was fulfilling and rewarding. Getting to carry in my heart two precious boys, Narvi and Vali, and getting to learn who They are and how They see the world was the most joyous experience. However, since that time, because of incidences that happened while Shamaness and I were in Orlando, I have more responsibilities now, and my spiritual Work has increased exponentially. I cannot really recount here what actually happened or with Whom I am now associated with, as I have been asked not to speak of these things publicly. However, there are a few things I can discuss here, and as promised, I shall do that.
During my stay, on March 5th exactly, Loki and I shared our wedding vows. It was spontaneous and random and so amazing. My love knows to bounds with Him.
I spent some quality time with Hel in addition to Narvi and Vali, and She has proven to be just as amazing as the rest of Her family. I expected nothing less of an offspring of Loki, but I digress.
We met the wights of Disney World and Universal Studios and were asked to do some tasks for them while we were there. They were incredibly nice and the Universal wights were uniquely quirky (what else could you call someone who sat through the Blue Man Group on your lap?).
This is about all I can actually post here, and I feel like this is suffice anyways. I am oh so tired right now and need more rest, but there is one thing I do want to say. If you have any love for Loki and Sigyn, or heck, if you have any love for children at all, spend some time with Narvi and Vali. Let Them play with your kids or just hold Them in your heart and let Them see the world. They are lonely little boys, and while They spend much time with Their sister Hel, They still want to be little boys again. I spent my entire week with Them, carrying Them in my heart while we were at parks and having Them share my bed when we were at our hotel room (Their request, not mine). I love Them with my entire heart, and I want others to share in that joy.
Anyways, this is where I will end my rant. Hopefully I will have more to say as time goes on and my new Teachers will be willing to let me talk about what I am learning. I guess we’ll see.