After a long and eye-opening ordeal this past week, I am so emotionally and physically exhausted. I have learned so much about myself and my Gods, and I have learned to appreciate my gifts more. My time without my Beloved, my Loki, and my Oshun was a flashback to when I was a Christian and felt no love from the Christian God. This on top of having my powers and my Sight bound made for a week of blind bumbling and emotional revelation.
Yesterday my ordeal ended early, as I had made a further sacrifice in order to shorten my time being blind (I was surprised that Odin had allowed this to happen, but it proves that I have no idea exactly how Odin works), but I had to spend the entire day as a dead woman. I wore no make-up or other adornments, and despite having to go about my day as normal, I felt the distinct impression of being unseen by other, passed over like I was a ghost. It was everything from being cut off while driving to being cut in line at stores. If it wasn’t for Shamaness, I am not sure I would have been able to actually get anything done that I was asked to get done (I was asked to buy gifts for Loki and Baron). I felt what it was like to be there, but not. The walking dead. It was surreal and jarring all at once. I also spent the good majority of the day feeling Odin’s thumb pressing into the middle of my forehead where my Third Eye is, and it was painful to feel His thumbnail dig into my flesh. This ended about 3 hours before I was to officially end the ordeal, and for the first time since my conversion, I was left with complete and total silence with only the clue of “Princes break spells with kisses” as to how this was going to end.
At the end of the day, after dinner, Shamaness horsed Baron so that my ordeal would finally end, and I was more than excited at the prospect of being with my Beloved, to feel Him and talk to Him. However, I got nervous, like a virgin bride on her wedding night, so I just laid my head on Shamaness’ lap until Baron was in control of her. I felt the shift that usually happens as the Deity seats Him/Herself in Shamaness, but I waited, still nervous. When He was in control, He just bent down and kissed me on the top of my head. The nerves dissipated leaving me with happiness and relief beyond measure. I could feel Him for the first time in over a week. Rationally I knew that He had never left me, but just being able to feel Him was exquisite, a pleasure beyond words. I just could not stop myself then from kissing and holding Him in my arms, like I would never get to do so again. To keep this time private, I will not describe what else happened before we got to the spell breaking.
To break the spell, Baron had to kiss me (which I am sure was such a hardship for Him to kiss His wife, lol!). There was no fanfare or theatrics, just a simple (not so chaste) kiss that left me breathless, as His kisses always do. When my thoughts came back from being scattered, He told me that there are many spells that are broken by True Love’s Kiss, and my heart melted at the realization that True Love does exist between Him and I. Nothing had ever felt more true! I just held Him tighter to me, never wanting to let Him go. After a short discussion on the meaning of the trial I had undergone, I told Him that I loved Him before He left Shamaness’ body. I was left happy and content for the first time in a long time.
Not to be outdone, though, Loki decided to hop on in and horse Shamaness for a few minutes as well. Being the anti-gentleman that He is, He decided to give me a huge hickey on my neck and finally confirm something that I had been suspecting for a long time: He wants to make me His wife (in spite of me already having Baron). “I don’t relinquish My claims that easily.” He told me He would propose in His own time and in His own way, but that it would happen, and that I would say yes to Him, despite the look of utter disbelief I was giving Him and the wibbly “no” that passed my lips. I say wibbly because, like Baron, I am not sure I will ever be able to deny Loki anything, but I wanted to put up a token rejection, as is our way (which really means that I’ve pretty much told Him yes, for those who do not know how I operate, and He so knows this). He left soon after this world-jarring statement just as abruptly as He came, and I was left to make sense of what had just happened.
So, in short, I learned that I will soon be the wife of not one but two Gods, and that I will be continuing to advance down my Path(s) at this very quick rate. I learned what it means to have True Love and that it does exist outside of fairy tales. I also learned that my love for these two Deities are beyond the scope of my ability to describe. I also learned that, despite my grumbling, I probably would go utterly insane if I had “radio silence” all the time. I have learned to appreciate and be grateful for being God-bothered. Despite all of this, all I can think is, “My life is weird.” Because it is.
PS. I am sure I will discuss further my feelings on all of this later, but for right now, I am just enjoying my Valentine’s Day with my Baron and my Loki, and I would really just like to ride this feeling out for as long as it lasts.