The first night of my ordeal was not what I expected in the least. It was my night to feel what Loki felt to be bound and punished for angering the other Gods. I expected so many things: pain, agony, the deepest and darkest depths of sadness, but what I got, what I have had done to me, is much worse. It is a far harder ordeal than I thought.
That night, I lay in bed, naked, as I had been asked to. I stretched myself out, as instructed, so that my arms were above my head and my legs were almost off the end of the bed. It was uncomfortable, but doable. Loki was there with me, saying nothing, but there. I had some time to think about the words of Oshun and Baron from the moments before and how strange it was that I was willingly going to go through what Loki went through. Then, I waited. And waited. And waited. I felt like nothing was happening. To my surprise, when I was asked to pull my blankets over me a moment later, I felt the weight of bindings all across my body. A moment of that, and I was told to roll over onto my side. After a moment of that, I was told to roll over onto my other side. I was so confused. When I asked Loki what He was doing, He replied, “I am making sure all of your bindings are in place.” He told me to go to sleep after that.
I woke up, and I felt so weird. Like something was being tinkered with inside of my psyche. It was Loki messing with things within my mind and with my power, and when He was finished, He vanished. I couldn’t feel Him or hear Him. I reached out to Baron, then Oshun, and I could not feel Them at all either. Odin let me mentally flail like that for several minutes before coming over my God phone to speak with me. He essentially told me that I was “blinded” and “deaf” to my Gods, as this was the sacrifice of losing my eye that He spoke of the night I agreed to the ordeal. I hadn’t realized He meant my third eye, the eye that is tied to my Sight, intuition, sense of Them, etc. He also told me that He had bound my powers and magic. In essence, I would be deaf and blind to the Ones I have come to love, with one huge exception: Odin Himself. He has told me that, in order to get used to Him for when He actually starts to teach me with runes, He is going to try to bypass the “growing pains” I usually feel with the Deities I work with by being the only God I can hear, but that’s it. I can’t feel Him or sense Him in any way, and it makes me anxious to a degree that I can’t explain.
Of course, this has forced me to realize a few things. It has made me realize how extremely lucky I am to even have a sense of the Gods that I work with, not only with being able to hear Them, but also being able to sense Them, feel Them. It has forced me to remember back before I was a Pagan and was blind and deaf to everything. Of course, it has also made me realize how much a part of me my power/magic is, and how much I rely on it on a daily basis. It has humbled me and made me feel off-kilter, incomplete. I can only imagine what my feelings will be like next week when my ordeal progresses farther.
In addition to this, this has already brought to my attention the strength of my love for my Gods and brought to my attention that I do actually love Loki… Maybe might be in love with Him. This came upon me so unexpectedly that it felt like a freight train hitting me at full speed. I miss Them and Their voices and Their presence in my life. I miss bickering with Loki, and loving Baron, and Oshun’s smile. I miss everything. I am keenly aware of how lucky I am to have Them in my life, especially since I can now see how much They do for me everyday. How much progress I have made and how happy I am with Them in my life. Even with Odin speaking to me, I still feel like I’ve lost something great. I know there is a bigger lesson in this, but I am only 3 days in, and I am struggling hard with this.
I still have 7 more days to go, and I know that the coming days will be worse. I am becoming more acutely aware of the sacrifices I have made, am making, and will have to make in the future for the Path(s) that I will walk and for the abilities that I have. I already know that I am going to have to give up the life that I live now, my friends and family, later on for this. I am not going to lie, knowing that it is going to happen before it actually happens does not make it any easier. I see these people that I have fought long and hard to maintain relationships with, the people that I have sacrificed blood, tears, sweat, and time for, and have to know that a) they will never know what I did for them, and b) that it may have all been for nothing. I am more than aware that there will be more sacrifices that I will have to make in the future that may be more devastating, but for now, knowing this, I cannot help but be melancholy.
So, all in all, I am struggling to get through this ordeal, seeing as it is nothing like what I expected it to be, but then again, I feel like that is on purpose. Regardless, though, I am not coping well with my blindness. The lesson will come soon, but until then, there will be more tears shed over this loss I’m feeling. It’s what He wants, I think.