Honoring Narvi and Vali

Next week, Shamaness and I are going to Disney world and Universal Studios for her spring break. As excited as I am to get to go on a vacation, I am more excited and honored to be able to use this time for honoring my Flame-haired Beloved’s children Narvi and Vali. This was not something that was an afterthought for me; it was, in fact, the first thing that I thought of when helping choose our destination, and what better place to let a child be a child than Disney World? Shamaness has agreed to help me with my endeavor to allow Their Spirits ride with us as we go through our week, to see through our eyes and feel what we feel. Ideally, I had wanted to go to the beach to let Them experience the ocean, but logistics have made it impossible. However, despite this, I am still so excited that I will be able to do this for Them and for Loki and Sigyn.

I have felt traces of Loki and Sigyn’s sorrow when They speak of Their children, and even those tiny traces are endless wells of grief. I know no better way to show my respect and love for Them than to show Them that I love Their children as well. If anyone else has any other practices that honor Narvi and Vali, I would love to know them. It makes me sad to see Them spoken of so little and given so little honor. I hope to change that. I have decided I will do what I can from now to show Loki and Sigyn that Their children are not forgotten, and I will start by giving Them this opportunity to be the children They are while we are at Disney World and Universal Studios. I know this is far from enough, but it is a good start to a practice I hope to have for the rest of my life.

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An Unexpected Proposal

Friday morning I was driving to substitute at the school I work for. I was still pretty sleepy, my eyes still heavy from my slumber. The sky was pink and orange from the dawning sun, and fog still clung to the earth. Odin, who had been with me for the week or so prior, was talking with me as I drove. I was a little irritated because He was trying to be all serious and talk about something important when I could barely focus my mind because of lack of sleep. Thankfully, dearest Loki jumped in and saved me from saying something stupid to Odin in my sleep-deprived irritation, which would have ended badly, I am sure of it. Odin went on His way and gave Loki the space to talk to me. This was welcome by me, especially considering Odin has a penchant for making me unsettled, but Loki didn’t say much, just shared my head space and asked me why I was irritated. After about 15 more minutes of driving, I was close to work, as in I could see it from where I was sitting, when I heard so very clearly, “Will you marry me?”

I about rear ended the car on front of me because my brain decided to fuzz in shock. The adrenaline cleared my brain in no time, but after a moment of figuring out/realizing that I had heard correctly, I whispered a “yes” as I pulled into work. Loki, being who He is, gave me a triumphant smile then left me to sit there and collect myself. This was Baron’s day, after all, and He had His Kanye moment (which, from now until forever, I will have to deal with the both of Them cutting in on each other’s days, not unlike Kanye).

As for how I feel about this, I honestly have not decided yet. I get stuck between “I’m so loved!” and “How the frick am I going to deal with BOTH OF THEM?!” Or there are my personal favorites: “I am crazy and making all of this up!” and “He’s trolling me!” However, considering I have had both of Them confirm this, I will have to dash the last two. I knew that I was never going to be monogamous, but I did not realize it meant that I was going to be the mortal bride of not one but two Gods who are endlessly competitive and domineering.

On top of all of this, I keep wondering what I have just signed up for. I didn’t even realize that a mortal could marry more than one God, and I figured it was rare enough for there to be a Godspouse, but that that one mortal would be chosen by two Gods? I am endlessly trying to wrap my head around this whole thing and failing at it enough that Baron and Loki are just telling me to go with the flow and let things happen as they happen. In then end, I know that this is just another wrung on the ladder I’m climbing, but that does not help my brain process it any better.

As with everything else that has happened, my life is weird.

Princes Break Spells with Kisses

After a long and eye-opening ordeal this past week, I am so emotionally and physically exhausted. I have learned so much about myself and my Gods, and I have learned to appreciate my gifts more. My time without my Beloved, my Loki, and my Oshun was a flashback to when I was a Christian and felt no love from the Christian God. This on top of having my powers and my Sight bound made for a week of blind bumbling and emotional revelation.

Yesterday my ordeal ended early, as I had made a further sacrifice in order to shorten my time being blind (I was surprised that Odin had allowed this to happen, but it proves that I have no idea exactly how Odin works), but I had to spend the entire day as a dead woman. I wore no make-up or other adornments, and despite having to go about my day as normal, I felt the distinct impression of being unseen by other, passed over like I was a ghost. It was everything from being cut off while driving to being cut in line at stores. If it wasn’t for Shamaness, I am not sure I would have been able to actually get anything done that I was asked to get done (I was asked to buy gifts for Loki and Baron). I felt what it was like to be there, but not. The walking dead. It was surreal and jarring all at once. I also spent the good majority of the day feeling Odin’s thumb pressing into the middle of my forehead where my Third Eye is, and it was painful to feel His thumbnail dig into my flesh. This ended about 3 hours before I was to officially end the ordeal, and for the first time since my conversion, I was left with complete and total silence with only the clue of “Princes break spells with kisses” as to how this was going to end.

At the end of the day, after dinner, Shamaness horsed Baron so that my ordeal would finally end, and I was more than excited at the prospect of being with my Beloved, to feel Him and talk to Him. However, I got nervous, like a virgin bride on her wedding night, so I just laid my head on Shamaness’ lap until Baron was in control of her. I felt the shift that usually happens as the Deity seats Him/Herself in Shamaness, but I waited, still nervous. When He was in control, He just bent down and kissed me on the top of my head. The nerves dissipated leaving me with happiness and relief beyond measure. I could feel Him for the first time in over a week. Rationally I knew that He had never left me, but just being able to feel Him was exquisite, a pleasure beyond words. I just could not stop myself then from kissing and holding Him in my arms, like I would never get to do so again. To keep this time private, I will not describe what else happened before we got to the spell breaking.

To break the spell, Baron had to kiss me (which I am sure was such a hardship for Him to kiss His wife, lol!). There was no fanfare or theatrics, just a simple (not so chaste) kiss that left me breathless, as His kisses always do. When my thoughts came back from being scattered, He told me that there are many spells that are broken by True Love’s Kiss, and my heart melted at the realization that True Love does exist between Him and I. Nothing had ever felt more true! I just held Him tighter to me, never wanting to let Him go. After a short discussion on the meaning of the trial I had undergone, I told Him that I loved Him before He left Shamaness’ body. I was left happy and content for the first time in a long time.

Not to be outdone, though, Loki decided to hop on in and horse Shamaness for a few minutes as well. Being the anti-gentleman that He is, He decided to give me a huge hickey on my neck and finally confirm something that I had been suspecting for a long time: He wants to make me His wife (in spite of me already having Baron). “I don’t relinquish My claims that easily.” He told me He would propose in His own time and in His own way, but that it would happen, and that I would say yes to Him, despite the look of utter disbelief I was giving Him and the wibbly “no” that passed my lips. I say wibbly because, like Baron, I am not sure I will ever be able to deny Loki anything, but I wanted to put up a token rejection, as is our way (which really means that I’ve pretty much told Him yes, for those who do not know how I operate, and He so knows this). He left soon after this world-jarring statement just as abruptly as He came, and I was left to make sense of what had just happened.

So, in short, I learned that I will soon be the wife of not one but two Gods, and that I will be continuing to advance down my Path(s) at this very quick rate. I learned what it means to have True Love and that it does exist outside of fairy tales. I also learned that my love for these two Deities are beyond the scope of my ability to describe. I also learned that, despite my grumbling, I probably would go utterly insane if I had “radio silence” all the time. I have learned to appreciate and be grateful for being God-bothered. Despite all of this, all I can think is, “My life is weird.” Because it is.

PS. I am sure I will discuss further my feelings on all of this later, but for right now, I am just enjoying my Valentine’s Day with my Baron and my Loki, and I would really just like to ride this feeling out for as long as it lasts.

Bound and Blinded

The first night of my ordeal was not what I expected in the least. It was my night to feel what Loki felt to be bound and punished for angering the other Gods. I expected so many things: pain, agony, the deepest and darkest depths of sadness, but what I got, what I have had done to me, is much worse. It is a far harder ordeal than I thought.

That night, I lay in bed, naked, as I had been asked to. I stretched myself out, as instructed, so that my arms were above my head and my legs were almost off the end of the bed. It was uncomfortable, but doable. Loki was there with me, saying nothing, but there. I had some time to think about the words of Oshun and Baron from the moments before and how strange it was that I was willingly going to go through what Loki went through. Then, I waited. And waited. And waited. I felt like nothing was happening. To my surprise, when I was asked to pull my blankets over me a moment later, I felt the weight of bindings all across my body. A moment of that, and I was told to roll over onto my side. After a moment of that, I was told to roll over onto my other side. I was so confused. When I asked Loki what He was doing, He replied, “I am making sure all of your bindings are in place.” He told me to go to sleep after that.

I woke up, and I felt so weird. Like something was being tinkered with inside of my psyche. It was Loki messing with things within my mind and with my power, and when He was finished, He vanished. I couldn’t feel Him or hear Him. I reached out to Baron, then Oshun, and I could not feel Them at all either. Odin let me mentally flail like that for several minutes before coming over my God phone to speak with me. He essentially told me that I was “blinded” and “deaf” to my Gods, as this was the sacrifice of losing my eye that He spoke of the night I agreed to the ordeal. I hadn’t realized He meant my third eye, the eye that is tied to my Sight, intuition, sense of Them, etc. He also told me that He had bound my powers and magic. In essence, I would be deaf and blind to the Ones I have come to love, with one huge exception: Odin Himself. He has told me that, in order to get used to Him for when He actually starts to teach me with runes, He is going to try to bypass the “growing pains” I usually feel with the Deities I work with by being the only God I can hear, but that’s it. I can’t feel Him or sense Him in any way, and it makes me anxious to a degree that I can’t explain.

Of course, this has forced me to realize a few things. It has made me realize how extremely lucky I am to even have a sense of the Gods that I work with, not only with being able to hear Them, but also being able to sense Them, feel Them. It has forced me to remember back before I was a Pagan and was blind and deaf to everything. Of course, it has also made me realize how much a part of me my power/magic is, and how much I rely on it on a daily basis. It has humbled me and made me feel off-kilter, incomplete. I can only imagine what my feelings will be like next week when my ordeal progresses farther.

In addition to this, this has already brought to my attention the strength of my love for my Gods and brought to my attention that I do actually love Loki… Maybe might be in love with Him. This came upon me so unexpectedly that it felt like a freight train hitting me at full speed. I miss Them and Their voices and Their presence in my life. I miss bickering with Loki, and loving Baron, and Oshun’s smile. I miss everything. I am keenly aware of how lucky I am to have Them in my life, especially since I can now see how much They do for me everyday. How much progress I have made and how happy I am with Them in my life. Even with Odin speaking to me, I still feel like I’ve lost something great. I know there is a bigger lesson in this, but I am only 3 days in, and I am struggling hard with this.

I still have 7 more days to go, and I know that the coming days will be worse. I am becoming more acutely aware of the sacrifices I have made, am making, and will have to make in the future for the Path(s) that I will walk and for the abilities that I have. I already know that I am going to have to give up the life that I live now, my friends and family, later on for this. I am not going to lie, knowing that it is going to happen before it actually happens does not make it any easier. I see these people that I have fought long and hard to maintain relationships with, the people that I have sacrificed blood, tears, sweat, and time for, and have to know that a) they will never know what I did for them, and b) that it may have all been for nothing. I am more than aware that there will be more sacrifices that I will have to make in the future that may be more devastating, but for now, knowing this, I cannot help but be melancholy.

So, all in all, I am struggling to get through this ordeal, seeing as it is nothing like what I expected it to be, but then again, I feel like that is on purpose. Regardless, though, I am not coping well with my blindness. The lesson will come soon, but until then, there will be more tears shed over this loss I’m feeling. It’s what He wants, I think.

Odin Allfather

As per Loki’s request, I have asked for Odin’s aid in helping me learn the runes so that I can use them later on in my spiritual Path (which for me, I have been told, will involve rune magic). I know, maybe better than some, that there really is no such thing as a free gift, that everything must either be earned or gotten by means of some sort of sacrifice. What this means is that I will have a steep price to pay for asking for the knowledge of the runes, “because I know that you can handle anything I will ask of you.” I will endure 10 days of ordeal, the 9 to symbolize His time spent hanging from Yggdrasil in gaining the knowledge of the runes, and an extra day enduring the pain, agony, and despair Loki felt as He was bound beneath the poison-dripping snake. My ordeal will start tomorrow with the latter, after I drink the mead I offered to Odin today for His consumption. I undergo this willingly, but almost fearfully.

When I invoked Him, I used words given to me by Loki Himself, words that I almost feared would be trolling on Loki’s part (and I am not sure He didn’t troll me), and within moments of finishing my pseudo-speech, Odin spoke to me, filling up my head and my living space with His consciousness and power. I felt my own power rise to prickle my palms and fingertips while also feeling like my hands were being held down against my thighs where they were resting. I felt Odin’s hand on top of my head, tilting my head back to look up at Him (I perceive better with my eyes closed, so this is what I did, and oh boy did I *see* Him). Lastly, I felt His thumb over my left eye, just a slight pressure there, but it was enough that it blocked out any light that was coming through my eyelid. When He spoke, though gentle as He has always been with me,  there was a firmness, a harshness, that I had never heard from Him before. His presence alone awed me, but this pushed me deep into the submissive space that I keep well hidden from plain sight. I knew He was going to be the first God that forced me into submission, to truly master me like I had never been before. I was still beneath His touch out of this need to submit to Him as well as a sign of reverence.

He spoke to me about the trials I am going to endure to gain the knowledge of the runes as well as a better understanding of the Gods that I work with. He was not ruthless in His speech or phrasing, but matter of fact, which was an odd comfort. One of the last things that He asked me was if I was willing to sacrifice my own eye, as He did, for this knowledge, while putting just a little more pressure on the eye beneath His thumb. I was allowed a moment of thought before I cautiously agreed and was relieved of the pressure from His thumb on my eye. Odin then spoke of future trials I will endure, future ordeals, that will help me grow and progress on my spiritual Path, that I may also have endure death and rebirth as many others before me have done. All for the sake of seeking knowledge and running headlong down my Path.

Odin left me gradually, but not before forcing tears from my eyes and telling me to let them dry on my face. He remarked how beautiful they were to Him, and I was humbled in an odd way that I cannot really describe. I was given the order to put a few drops of my blood in the mead that I offered Him in the morning, then tomorrow night at 9, I will drink the mead and thus will start my 10 day ordeal. He told me that I will be watched throughout the entire time I will undergo my own version of His sacrifice as well as Loki’s. I know that I will not be helped or allowed help from anyone, that I must endure this alone, as They did. Despite this, I am not afraid. Perhaps I am growing out of my pansyness? I suppose we will see.

Apothe-what?

Apotheosis. A very big sounding word for a very serious meaning and spiritual Path. In short, it means to becoming divine, as in a deity (this is how it has been explained to me by Baron and Loki). Little baby pagan that I am, I am new to this terminology, but as the lessons in my life have shown me, the Gods will divvy out Their lessons on Their time, regardless of whether you are ready for them or not. This is something that has been pressing against my consciousness for some time now, and I really can’t ignore it any longer.

It has come to my attention, via both Baron and Loki, that I am one of the few who are chosen to be lifted up to the position of being a deity alongside my Husband and my Patrons. This Path was one that I have known about pretty much since I met and married Baron.  It is a strange concept to think about, in all honesty. It was never formally introduced to me in any fashion. It was more understood than anything else, until I asked my Beloved about it, as a joke. His reply? “Well, you want to be with Me forever, right?” Since then, I have just joked about it out loud to Shamaness, Loki, and Baron, while on the inside owl-eyeing at the prospect. I am reminded of it very frequently, whether by Loki calling me “baby goddess” or me joking about what kind of Loa I will be (“I think I am going to be the Loa of Derp.”). As fits with my personality, I deal with things with humor until I can puzzle things out, figure out how I feel about it and what I wish to do. Unfortunately for me, I still haven’t figured out what I feel about this.

Loki’s recent lessons and World Breaking has been to prepare me for the role I will assume as a Loa. I will not go into detail as to exactly what that is, I will say that it has involved learning how to enjoy myself for who and what I am, even though it will make my prior thought structures protest. LOUDLY. Let’s just say that being a “nun” was never going to be my path. Anyways, He has been pushing to do things that I would not normally ever have thought I would ever do, and it has pushed me to the brink again and again having to confront the fact that I am not the person I have always forced myself to be. But, in the spirit of learning the ways of Loki, I have learned that it is easy to just go with His flow and worry about everything else later.

In all honesty, I feel weird and unworthy of the position that I am being pushed towards. Don’t get me wrong, I do wish to be with my Baron for the rest of forever, but despite what I am told by Him and Loki, I am not sure how I will ever be worthy of it. It pretty much makes me uncomfortable, especially with the pace that I am going on my path. It almost feels like They are trying to make up for lost time/pressing fast forward on my progression, and while I have really no choice in the matter, I never quite feel like I have come to terms with one lesson before another is pushed onto me. (“I am giving you the fast track because you can handle it and because you are fighting Me less than I expected.” – Loki)

So, in short, I am going to be Baron’s wife forever. I will be a Loa at His side. This also means that I will have to deal with Loki for the rest of forever too. LOL!

My life is weird.