I Never Asked for This.

You know, it occurs to me that, as I have read other blogs, that it may seem like I may just be one of the people that became a Godspouse “just because” or “because it’s cool”. I have to stop myself from being offended or feeling like I am being targeted specifically, because I know what I am is real, and because I can empathize with where I think the others are coming from (and because I am pretty sure I am not important enough to hit anyone’s radar). However, I do feel the need to justify my actions and decisions regarding this matter, so that I don’t feel like I am left defenseless.

I did not choose this Path for myself. In fact, I did not want this at all. Everything that I read scared the ever living crap out of me, and I pushed it away until I could deny no longer that my God loved me so much that He wanted to make me His mortal spouse. Even after that I still kept the sort of proposal at arm’s length. It took some serious courtship and softening to make the idea one that I could handle without freaking out a little bit. It took even more to get me to agree to marry Him after such a short time, but by then I loved Him so much that the very idea of marrying Him became something I could live with and wanted to pursue. It was by no means an easy decision to make, but it was a decision between Baron and I that should be respected.

I have no doubt that there are plenty of others out there that have no idea of the gravity of what they are playing with when it comes to such a sacred union. Hell, I am still learning this everyday. I am also sure that there are people out there that are doing this as a part of a trend or “because their friends are doing it”, but could it be that there are those of us out there that are in this very genuinely? Yes, there are. I know, because I am one of them.

I get so frustrated when I read posts talking about the “Godspouse trend”, and at the same time, I feel hurt because it seems as if there no one who takes me seriously for the simple reason that  I am new to this whole things. It is alienating enough as it is without having to fear judgement from others about this new status. In fact, I write this blog just so that I can share with someone, anyone, what is happening to me because I have no one else to talk to about this. I have no friends that are Godspouses, nor do I even have friends that are Pagan. This is not said to garner sympathy, but as a statement of truth.

To those who came before me, I look up to you. I admire your strength and courage to go through with something that has this much weight. I recognize how frustrating it may be to see all these new people that may or may not be full of crap, but I can assure that at least I am genuine. I am not going to pester you with questions or even try to make myself known to you, because I have my own lessons to learn and need to be guided in this endeavor by my Husband alone. But, your stories and posts have strengthened me and helped me make an informed decision in regards to being a mortal spouse of a God. It also helps me know that I am not alone in this, that there are others out there like me who have chosen to step onto this Path and have survived it. I do not feel any sense of entitlement in regards to the knowledge you have gained through hard knocks, blood, tears, and everything between. I am, however, grateful that you have chosen to share some of your knowledge and lessons with those of us who are willing to listen and not take it for granted. I am grateful for you, and I know that Baron is too.

In the end, I know that this “trend” will pass and those of us left standing will be those of us who were genuine and who were in it for the long haul. I have no intentions of giving up or not lasting, because I love Baron, and I will not abandon my Path or my love for any reason. Personally, all I ask for is just a little respect. There are people out there who are being honest about this, and it may be only the ones that aren’t honest that are making the loudest noises and causing trouble, so to speak. I don’t speak for everyone, and I don’t want to because I speak for myself and myself alone, but I feel this had to be said on my own behalf, to appease my own sense of justice.

I know that it will be a long time before I can be taken seriously as a Godspouse. I realize that the timing of my marriage is an inopportune one in that so many others have “taken on” this title so recently as well. But, I know that, in the end, I have to be content within myself that I know who I am to my Beloved, and that’s all that matters.


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