God-bothered

Ever since my grandmother died, I have been, well, “God-bothered”. By this, I mean there is only one God that is bothering me: Loki. He first came to me as World Breaker, which has something to do with other events I am not willing to discuss so publicly. Anyways, He, as the Trickster, has been very persistent at getting my attention and ensuring that I notice Him, listen to Him, etc. He has gone out of His way to make sure that I know that He’s not leaving anytime soon.

On Wednesday evening, Loki horsed Shamaness to talk with me, opening with, “So, is your world broken enough yet?” I had to stop myself from making snarky remarks that could be misconstrued, because He has this way of doing this with me, turning my words against me or using what I say literally. He flirted with me, as normal, and was very heavy on the double entendres (because, apparently, all the Gods in my life think it’s oh so funny when I turn an unattractive shade of red when I blush). However, the main point of this conversation was that, “I refuse to relinquish My claim on you.” He wants me to make Him my patron, to become His priestess, since apparently Baron being my Husband now opens up a spot for a male patron. Of course, with the very recent death of my grandmother, I have had more important things to worry about other than if being married to Baron was going to change His status, so when it came up, I was so very confused. I went with it because it is Loki and I don’t want World Breaker to break my world more than needed. Since then, I have resisted Him at every turn.

It must be said that I have always felt a pull towards Loki. Always. From the first moments He was suggested to me to the research I did on Him to the first time He horsed Shamaness. It was that day that I could not deny any longer that I was drawn to Him, but I resisted because I was so close to being married to Baron and Baron did not seem to like Loki encroaching on His territory (shooting fire out of His eyes and shaking His baton at anyone usually gives one that impression). I felt like a terrible person and a terrible wife-to-be for having that draw to someone aside from my Betrothed. It didn’t help that Loki, through Shamaness, kissed me twice that day, and it was… Beyond words. Amazing. When I asked Him about why I felt this way the next time that He horsed Shamaness, He told me something along the lines of “you will know later” and “it’s nothing.” So, I have tried to ignore it since then, but I really haven’t been able to. At all.

“As you are drawn to me, I am drawn to you.” – Loki

Since the night He said this, He has been unrelenting and unceasing in His attempt at claiming me for His, so much so that beyond the irritation, I was afraid. When I deferred to Baron to ask Him to get Loki to back off, Baron literally sat me down and told me, very sternly, that I needed to stop acting like a little girl and grow up. He said I needed to make my own decision on this matter since He had already agreed to Loki being my patron and that He was alright with the sexual aspect that Loki was pushing as well. Baron’s words struck a chord with me and hurt my feelings a little bit, but seeing as I was on my own, I had no choice but to turn around and face that fact. I felt like I had been left in a cage with a starving, Flame-Haired lion that was looking at me like I was His next meal.

Since then, I have been fighting tooth and nail not to give into Loki, somewhat because I want to be contrary, but also because of fear. My mental constructs are refusing to allow me to accept that I will have more than one male God to please (in more ways than one), as well as the fact that I do not completely trust Loki. His first horsing with me present set the tone for how I felt about Him, and still somewhat feel about Him even now. However, with His persistence and the undeniable pull I feel towards Him, I know that I am going to lose to Him and what He wants from me, probably in all respects.

I still have a lot to learn, about myself and about the Gods that I am following now, and honestly, it was easier to be the repressive sect of Christianity that I had been than it is to see the paths before me. I am not confident enough in myself to feel like I will do any of the Work that They have planned for me any justice (having major clinical depression will do that to a person, but that is a later post). But, I know I need to learn to trust the Deities that I am associating with. It’s just that my current mindset is not making that an easy task.

All in all, the Gods and I have our work cut out for us when it comes to me. Hopefully they have the patience to be able to deal with it.

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