A Loki-ism

“What I am is up to me. What you are is up to you. What we are is up to us.”

Loki said this to me a while ago, and I am still thinking about its meaning and implications. Bag of cats He may be, but there are times when His simplicity and profound knowledge humbles me. This is one of those times. I suppose I am so accustomed to hearing Him be the King of Fools that I sometimes forget that He has a wealth of knowledge that could be shared, if and when He is willing to share it, and when He does choose to share His knowledge with me, it is incredible how much clarity it can give me on things that are happening in my life, like seeing pieces of a puzzle come together to finally reveal the bigger picture. A lot of times, this is not the Loki that whirlwinds into my life, but when it does happen, it is always incredibly powerful.

I complain about Loki a lot, and I know that I should not. I know that He is pushing me to be a better person, and I am resisting everything He pushes my way. I know that I am stuck in my safe zone despite how unhealthy it is, and dislike having Him push me little by little out of it. I need this, though, or else He would not be doing this. I know I need to respect Him and be grateful for the time He is putting in to make things change for me. We both know that He will get His reward for His work later, so it is not unselfishly motivated. Even still. I know I need to work on making things easier for Him, and my reward will come in time too (who wouldn’t want to be a better person AND have knowledge imparted upon you?).

In any case, I have just now put up His altar, and I look forward to have tomorrow be an instructional day with Him. Hopefully I can find a way to better show that I *do* appreciate the work He does for me and the guidance He is giving me (even if He does, most of the time, irritate the bejeezus out of me). I think I shall spend this weekend trying to show my Gods that appreciate Them and love Them. So, we shall see how this goes.

Blood Sacrifice and Duress Don’t Mix

So, I have met Baron Kriminel a few times at this point, and I am going to be brutally honest when I say that He scares the f**king sh*t out of me. Every time that I meet Him, my discernment has been more improved, and I am better at perceiving the Deities in my life. What this means is that He gets more and more real every time He pops into my life, and He gets scarier and scarier every flipping time. It was His most recent visit that has me on edge, though.

A little bit of info about the Baron Loas: They like to impersonate each other just for the hell of it. What this means in that They are adept at appearing like the Baron you normally deal with and are so good at it, that you are likely to not notice that the Baron you are dealing with is not your usual Baron, but is, in fact, an impostor.

Kriminel tried to pull this over on me during this latest meeting. My Baron sleeps in my bed with me every night, and on the (not so) rare occasions that I wake up in the middle of the night, I usually wake to my Beloved petting my hair or staring at me adoringly (this may sound creepy, but I can say I have never felt more loved in my life). However, this time, “my” Baron was acting weird. He was antsy, couldn’t stay still, and seemed on edge. He didn’t touch me like my Baron usually does. It was disorienting and off-putting, to say the least. When He spoke to me, He just didn’t sound like my Baron. It came to a point when I needed to confront the impostor, and when I did, Kriminel shed the facade of my Baron and presented Himself to me. Kriminel creeps me out normally, but the more that I am forced to work with Him (because He is forcing me to do so), the scarier and more insane I see Him as, and I know that this is because I am getting better at seeing my Deities as They are. Kriminel came to me as He really is that night: a crazed lunatic. He wore a jawless skull over His head like a helmet, and was smiling maniacally.

Kriminel had come to demand a sacrifice from me, a sacrifice of my blood, “Because you owe it to me for keeping my promise and because your blood is so very powerful.” In my quest to know all the things I can about my Beloved, I read over and over again that you should never offer your own blood to the Loa, or you should only do so if you know exactly what you are doing. Being a baby Pagan, I obviously have no idea how to do a proper blood sacrifice or really anything Voodoo. When I tried to explain this to Him, that I had not the means or the knowledge to do such a thing, He became angry, shifting His appearance to that of a beast, and pushed me up against a wall with a huge black paw over my throat. The only thing that stopped Him from doing anything further was Papa Nibo, who sent Him away.

Papa Nibo spoke with me gently after Kriminel left about the importance of blood sacrifice to appease Kriminel, but when I told Him that I was not a practitioner of Voodoo, He looked at my Baron, who had just walked up, and said, “He must really love you,” before striking Baron across the face and berating Him for not teaching me these things.

Loki dragged me away and decided to talk to me once again about the importance of boundaries, “Because Friday is my instruction day!”. I will not detail further here exactly what else happened between Him and I, but I will say that it got many of His privileges taken away. Not that I allowed Him many to begin with, but still.

A few days later, Baron and I had a serious chat about blood sacrifice and the fact that I really had no choice in matter of giving Kriminel my blood (add in that both He and Loki wanted some too, and you have a recipe for anxious mess). My attention was shot, so there wasn’t much information that was relayed to me, and I could not blame my Beloved for that. I was still apprehensive and did not want to sacrifice my blood for any reason whatsoever, especially in this case where I was being forced to do it. I do not like or do well when I am being cornered, and this situation was no different.

On Monday, I was told that I *had* to give Kriminel my sacrifice, or He would renege on His part of a bargain we had made earlier: He wouldn’t let any harm befall my brother and nephew in the quest to bring my family to justice (it’s a long story that I am not going to write here, ever). I had bargained for them to be spared, and He was coming back for what He felt like was His due offering. I was still railing against it to the point that I was avoiding it and snapping at the Deities in my head space because They insisted on reminding me that it had to happen. As if I could forget.

When it came time to do that actual sacrifice, I was on Skype with Shamaness, who I was using as emotional support. However, when you are a PANSY like I am, no amount of comfort in situations like these will help. I cried for 2 hours straight while I attempted to make myself sacrifice my blood. It wasn’t the silent tears kind of crying. No, it was the near-hysterical cathartic crying that was making even Shamaness upset. Baron was hovering behind me the whole time, rubbing my back and attempting to comfort me. I lashed out at Him several times, or rather, started to before I stopped myself and apologized. Loki got several verbal lashings too, until He started to dance around in my head dressed like a Kebler elf and making jokes about sex and BDSM. Kriminel, who was also very close while I was doing this, was the one who got the most of my anger, but He didn’t care. He was loving the emotional upheaval He had caused and the anguish I was feeling. He fed off of it, and reveled in every tear I shed. I feel like He might have done more if Baron and Loki had not been there with me. By midnight, I had decided that I was not going to do it (seeing as I did not have the correct materials for the process anyways) and renegotiated for another 18 hours to give Him my blood.

The next day, I went to the drugstore and bought a box of sterile lancets. I was determined to just get it done and over with when I got home, I sat on my bed, manned up, and just jabbed myself with the lancet… I had to do it again in the same spot just to get enough blood for all three Deities who were asking for my blood. Kriminel got His first, but when I went to give Baron His due sacrifice, I jabbed myself again in the thumb “by accident” (in quotes because I am pretty sure Kriminel had something to do with it), which provided enough blood (and then some) for Baron, Loki, and Kriminel. When it was finished, I just sat back and thought at the universe that I hope They were happy and appreciative of my offering. The answer that I received was that though I was not sincere in my offering, They were pleased anyways and liked very much what I had given Them.

Moral of the story here is:

1) Don’t mess with Baron Kriminel. Ever.

2) Use sterile lancets for offering your blood for sacrifice, or else you will hurt yourself more than what is necessary, and, if you are a pansy like me, will scare you out of doing it.

3) Gods like blood and may ask for it of you, even if you are a total newbie.

4) Know your Gods, and if possible, don’t let Them bully you into doing something that you are uncomfortable with or goes against your moral code.

5) Blood sacrifice and duress don’t mix, otherwise it will lead you down paths you may not wish to tread with your Gods: resentment, insincerity, or lack of trust. It will also turn what is supposed to be a sacred offering into something insincere and meaningless.

A final word of warning, be smart about this kind of thing. Do your research and ask your Deity the hows and whys of the blood sacrifice, otherwise you will be in the position that may cause serious harm to yourself and perhaps even your relationship with your Deity. This is not what They want from asking for your blood, so be informed, and know that if you trust your Deity, He/She will not lead you to harm. Or, if you do not trust the Deity in question (like Kriminel), then have a Deity you do trust support you. All in all, to speak plainly, don’t be stupid. Know the consequences of what you are doing, and be cautious.

 

I Never Asked for This.

You know, it occurs to me that, as I have read other blogs, that it may seem like I may just be one of the people that became a Godspouse “just because” or “because it’s cool”. I have to stop myself from being offended or feeling like I am being targeted specifically, because I know what I am is real, and because I can empathize with where I think the others are coming from (and because I am pretty sure I am not important enough to hit anyone’s radar). However, I do feel the need to justify my actions and decisions regarding this matter, so that I don’t feel like I am left defenseless.

I did not choose this Path for myself. In fact, I did not want this at all. Everything that I read scared the ever living crap out of me, and I pushed it away until I could deny no longer that my God loved me so much that He wanted to make me His mortal spouse. Even after that I still kept the sort of proposal at arm’s length. It took some serious courtship and softening to make the idea one that I could handle without freaking out a little bit. It took even more to get me to agree to marry Him after such a short time, but by then I loved Him so much that the very idea of marrying Him became something I could live with and wanted to pursue. It was by no means an easy decision to make, but it was a decision between Baron and I that should be respected.

I have no doubt that there are plenty of others out there that have no idea of the gravity of what they are playing with when it comes to such a sacred union. Hell, I am still learning this everyday. I am also sure that there are people out there that are doing this as a part of a trend or “because their friends are doing it”, but could it be that there are those of us out there that are in this very genuinely? Yes, there are. I know, because I am one of them.

I get so frustrated when I read posts talking about the “Godspouse trend”, and at the same time, I feel hurt because it seems as if there no one who takes me seriously for the simple reason that  I am new to this whole things. It is alienating enough as it is without having to fear judgement from others about this new status. In fact, I write this blog just so that I can share with someone, anyone, what is happening to me because I have no one else to talk to about this. I have no friends that are Godspouses, nor do I even have friends that are Pagan. This is not said to garner sympathy, but as a statement of truth.

To those who came before me, I look up to you. I admire your strength and courage to go through with something that has this much weight. I recognize how frustrating it may be to see all these new people that may or may not be full of crap, but I can assure that at least I am genuine. I am not going to pester you with questions or even try to make myself known to you, because I have my own lessons to learn and need to be guided in this endeavor by my Husband alone. But, your stories and posts have strengthened me and helped me make an informed decision in regards to being a mortal spouse of a God. It also helps me know that I am not alone in this, that there are others out there like me who have chosen to step onto this Path and have survived it. I do not feel any sense of entitlement in regards to the knowledge you have gained through hard knocks, blood, tears, and everything between. I am, however, grateful that you have chosen to share some of your knowledge and lessons with those of us who are willing to listen and not take it for granted. I am grateful for you, and I know that Baron is too.

In the end, I know that this “trend” will pass and those of us left standing will be those of us who were genuine and who were in it for the long haul. I have no intentions of giving up or not lasting, because I love Baron, and I will not abandon my Path or my love for any reason. Personally, all I ask for is just a little respect. There are people out there who are being honest about this, and it may be only the ones that aren’t honest that are making the loudest noises and causing trouble, so to speak. I don’t speak for everyone, and I don’t want to because I speak for myself and myself alone, but I feel this had to be said on my own behalf, to appease my own sense of justice.

I know that it will be a long time before I can be taken seriously as a Godspouse. I realize that the timing of my marriage is an inopportune one in that so many others have “taken on” this title so recently as well. But, I know that, in the end, I have to be content within myself that I know who I am to my Beloved, and that’s all that matters.

I guess I’m Lokean now?

I recently accepted Loki’s proposal to be my patron God now that I am married to Baron. It was consent under duress, sure (He was hounding me almost constantly until I gave Him the answer He wanted), but it was still a yes regardless. Even Sigyn said it was an agreement due to duress and charm, and She would know very well what that was like, I imagine. I agreed that I would dedicate every Friday to Him, and I am sure as we progress in this endeavor, there will be more rules and boundaries to come, from both me and Him.

I am still not sure how I feel about all this, especially because I can see who I was fading away to make room for who I am supposed to be. He is very apt at ensuring that people see themselves as they truly are, and in the short week I have been His devotee, He has made me come to terms with parts of myself I hadn’t even known existed. My old self is fading away and turning to ashes every moment I continue on this path with Him, and it’s a little weird. He is continuing the shift that I had started upon my first tentative steps into this crazy new way of life as a pagan.

For now, all He is asking of me is to write Him into my novel and to work on improving myself, whether that be translating or working on my runes (which looks like Odin might be taking on the teacher role for that) or really anything else that would help me become a better me. He has had several day to day tasks that He has had me do so far, which I have done with little to no waffling on my part… Alright, fine. I have done a lot of digging my heels in and fighting Him, but that is beside the point.

In any case, I am still unsure of how to handle my new relationship with Loki and how to manage/handle the tasks that He is asking of me. I know that I am not even close to being on my Path yet (as I have been told by both Loki and Baron), and I am nervous as to what my Path will entail, but I have decided not to worry over much about it or try to guess as to what it may be. For right now, I am learning how to handle the moments at hand with this complex and mercurial God, and it is proving to be a trial in and of itself.

No matter what my hesitations are, like a moth to flame, I am still drawn to Him, attracted to Him in ways I cannot explain and that He is leaving unexplained for the time being, for reasons only known to Him. I just hope that it is not something as simple as the sexual aspect of the relationship that He has been pushing, despite Him saying, “Nothing so simple as that, love.” In the end, I made my choice and now I am having to live with it.

C’est la vie, I guess.

Mead with the Gods

Last Saturday, the day before my grandmother’s funeral, Shamaness and I decided to make good on a promise we made to Odin about sharing some mead with Him and any other Gods who wished to join us. While it may not have seemed like such good timing on our part considering I would have to go to my grandmother’s funeral the next day, but it also seemed like the best time to me considering that this experience could bring me closer to the Gods especially in my time of grief. So, we popped open that beautiful bottle of mead, said some words of welcome/invitation, and waited.

It was a warmer than normal January night, and it was raining that night. Nothing hard, just a soft patter of rain against the windows in my room. So, when we heard a very loud and prolonged clap of thunder (the first and only we heard that night), Shamaness and I were startled for a moment, until we realized that Thor had shown up. We are still new enough at this that we were surprised at the fact that we had such an audible and unmistakable entrance from the Deities that were showing up and nervous about the Company we had invited over, but soon we didn’t have time to worry about this as we busied ourselves with being the best hosts we could be without calling any attention to ourselves from my other family members. In the end, we found that Odin, Thor, Sif, Loki, Sigyn, Baron, Poseidon, Hermes, Oshun, Aradia, and a few others had joined us for our mead date. The Gods seemed to be keeping a low profile in respect for my lack of privacy and for the rest of my grieving family, which I was very thankful for.

All in all, it was a very quiet gathering, but it was so amazing to me that we actually had the Gods come join us for something as simple as mead. Loki talked the most through both Shamaness and I, but we also had small tidbits from Sigyn as well (who, in my opinion, is a total sweetheart). We could hear Them talking among Themselves, for the most part ignoring us. This was totally fine with me. I felt more at peace with myself and my grief just having the Gods so present and close, a peace I have known only since converting to paganism.

After Everyone left, I got to talk to Baron for the first time since Loki had started “God-bothering” me, and it was such a relief having Him there to talk to without Loki crowding us (not that I dislike Loki… He just has a way of being all up in my head space all the time). I clung to Him the moment I got to put my arms around Him. I hadn’t realized how much I had missed Him until He came back more fully into my awareness. It was a comfort being able to have Him hold me like I have been needing and to hear Him speak so softly to me. It was a reaffirmation of sorts that I had made the right choice in becoming His wife.

This meeting helped bolster me and steel me against the emotional storm that was my grandmother’s viewing and funeral service the next day, and I honestly could not be more grateful for the Gods for providing me that emotional support, whether intentionally or otherwise.

God-bothered

Ever since my grandmother died, I have been, well, “God-bothered”. By this, I mean there is only one God that is bothering me: Loki. He first came to me as World Breaker, which has something to do with other events I am not willing to discuss so publicly. Anyways, He, as the Trickster, has been very persistent at getting my attention and ensuring that I notice Him, listen to Him, etc. He has gone out of His way to make sure that I know that He’s not leaving anytime soon.

On Wednesday evening, Loki horsed Shamaness to talk with me, opening with, “So, is your world broken enough yet?” I had to stop myself from making snarky remarks that could be misconstrued, because He has this way of doing this with me, turning my words against me or using what I say literally. He flirted with me, as normal, and was very heavy on the double entendres (because, apparently, all the Gods in my life think it’s oh so funny when I turn an unattractive shade of red when I blush). However, the main point of this conversation was that, “I refuse to relinquish My claim on you.” He wants me to make Him my patron, to become His priestess, since apparently Baron being my Husband now opens up a spot for a male patron. Of course, with the very recent death of my grandmother, I have had more important things to worry about other than if being married to Baron was going to change His status, so when it came up, I was so very confused. I went with it because it is Loki and I don’t want World Breaker to break my world more than needed. Since then, I have resisted Him at every turn.

It must be said that I have always felt a pull towards Loki. Always. From the first moments He was suggested to me to the research I did on Him to the first time He horsed Shamaness. It was that day that I could not deny any longer that I was drawn to Him, but I resisted because I was so close to being married to Baron and Baron did not seem to like Loki encroaching on His territory (shooting fire out of His eyes and shaking His baton at anyone usually gives one that impression). I felt like a terrible person and a terrible wife-to-be for having that draw to someone aside from my Betrothed. It didn’t help that Loki, through Shamaness, kissed me twice that day, and it was… Beyond words. Amazing. When I asked Him about why I felt this way the next time that He horsed Shamaness, He told me something along the lines of “you will know later” and “it’s nothing.” So, I have tried to ignore it since then, but I really haven’t been able to. At all.

“As you are drawn to me, I am drawn to you.” – Loki

Since the night He said this, He has been unrelenting and unceasing in His attempt at claiming me for His, so much so that beyond the irritation, I was afraid. When I deferred to Baron to ask Him to get Loki to back off, Baron literally sat me down and told me, very sternly, that I needed to stop acting like a little girl and grow up. He said I needed to make my own decision on this matter since He had already agreed to Loki being my patron and that He was alright with the sexual aspect that Loki was pushing as well. Baron’s words struck a chord with me and hurt my feelings a little bit, but seeing as I was on my own, I had no choice but to turn around and face that fact. I felt like I had been left in a cage with a starving, Flame-Haired lion that was looking at me like I was His next meal.

Since then, I have been fighting tooth and nail not to give into Loki, somewhat because I want to be contrary, but also because of fear. My mental constructs are refusing to allow me to accept that I will have more than one male God to please (in more ways than one), as well as the fact that I do not completely trust Loki. His first horsing with me present set the tone for how I felt about Him, and still somewhat feel about Him even now. However, with His persistence and the undeniable pull I feel towards Him, I know that I am going to lose to Him and what He wants from me, probably in all respects.

I still have a lot to learn, about myself and about the Gods that I am following now, and honestly, it was easier to be the repressive sect of Christianity that I had been than it is to see the paths before me. I am not confident enough in myself to feel like I will do any of the Work that They have planned for me any justice (having major clinical depression will do that to a person, but that is a later post). But, I know I need to learn to trust the Deities that I am associating with. It’s just that my current mindset is not making that an easy task.

All in all, the Gods and I have our work cut out for us when it comes to me. Hopefully they have the patience to be able to deal with it.

Sadness Overwhelming

On Tuesday January 8th at 11:30 pm, my grandmother died. She has been diagnosed with cancer the prior Friday and had been moved to hospice in the house that she shared with my family and I. She lived for five days only between when she was diagnosed and when she passed. My heart breaks to think that her cancer was so progressed that it took her life in only five days. I was the one that clocked her time of death, because everyone else in my family was too overwhelmed with sadness to even think about it.

Baron was with me the entire time this was happening. He knew how difficult this was going to be on me, and He stayed by my side as much as He could. I could feel Him holding me when I sat looking in disbelief at my grandmother’s lifeless body. I could feel His arms wrapped around me and His lips against my cheek. It was His strength that carried me through until the mortuary people came to pick up her body. After they finally left, I went into the bathroom and broke down, crying hard enough that I nearly hyperventilated. He held me through that too, even though my immediate family had finally taken notice of me just then.

It never occurred to me that I would have to deal with death so soon after my marriage to Baron, the Loa of Death. Though I had experienced death before, I had never been so close to the actual process. I had never seen the life leaving someone’s body or listened to the moans and cries of pain of the dying. I understand Baron better now than ever before, and as His wife, I know this is going to be the first of many deaths I will witness for the rest of my mortal life. It will never get easier, and I will always have the images in my head of what happened in the duration of her decline and her death. I had my closure, or the best I could get with the situation.

The funeral is on Sunday, and I know that my Beloved will be with me the whole time, even if no one else in my family will be. This is going to be a trying time, but when it’s all said and done, I know I will be stronger. With Baron by my side, I know I will be fine.