“Not Perfect” by Tim Minchin

This song. Ye Gods, this song didn’t just speak to me. It came at me like a 18 wheeler with no breaks and a madman behind the wheel. After the first listen, I had to sit with my feelings for a minute before I could put words to the emotions that were going supernova inside of me. It’s effect, after I let my feelings take over, was that of a tsunami crashing over unsuspecting islands, devastating everything in its path. I was completely overcome with how much it resonated with me.

The parts that hit me the most were the parts about the brain and the body, especially the line “I spend so much time hating it/ But it never says a bad word about me”. Even now, I am having trouble containing the tears just thinking about it because I spend so much time hating my body and my brain that was made by the Gods that I love so dearly. I don’t usually let myself feel the emotion (hate), but I can’t stop myself from feeling the hatred that burns within me for the body I feel caged in and for the brain that will never function normally without the aid of antidepressants. This is something I can’t control, this deep-rooted hatred, for my own physical self. So, to hear “It’s not perfect, but it’s mine” in a song rocked my world. Having someone tell you that, yes, your body isn’t perfect; it never will be, but it’s yours, and you should love it for what it is, not for what it isn’t or what you perceive it should be… It’s indescribable.

Yes, I still hate my body; that hasn’t changed, but I think the whole point is to learn to own things as they are. This body is my body, and no matter how much I hate it, it will still be my body. My brain is my brain. These things will always be mine, and I need to come to terms with that. There is no magic that will change this fact. Learning how to come to terms with this is a difficult proposition, but I think I need to try. How else can I grow?

I have added the lyrics below. I do hope you enjoy it as much as I did. It’s a gorgeous song with a gorgeous message, especially since the artist usually doesn’t sing songs of this nature. Anyways, please enjoy.

This is my Earth, and I live in it
It’s one third dirt and two thirds water
And it rotates and revolves through space
At rather an impressive pace
And never even messes up my hair
And here’s the really weird thing
The force created by it’s spin
Is the force that stops the chaos flooding in

This is my Earth, and it’s fine
It’s where I spend the vast majority of my time
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine
It’s not perfect

This is my house, and I live in it
It’s made of cracks and photographs
We rent it off a guy who bought it from a guy
Who bought it from a guy
Whose granddad left it to him
And the weirdest thing is that this house
Has locks to keep the baddies out
But they’re mostly used to lock ourselves in

This is my house, and it’s fine
It’s where I spend a vast majority of my time
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine

This is my body, and I live in it
It’s thirty-five and six months old
It’s changed a lot since it was new
It’s done stuff it wasn’t built to do
I often try to fill it up with wine
And the weirdest thing about it is
I spend so much time hating it
But it never says a bad word about me

This is my body, and it’s fine
It’s where I spend a vast majority of my time
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine
It’s not perfect

This is my brain, and I live in it
It’s made of love and bad song lyrics
It’s tucked away behind my eyes
Where all my fucked up thoughts can hide
‘Cause God forbid I hurt somebody
And the weird thing about a mind
Is that every answer that you find
Is the basis of a brand new cliche

This is my brain, and it’s fine
It’s where I spend a vast majority of my time
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine
It’s not perfect
I’m not quite sure I’ve worked out how to work it
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine
But it’s mine

A Will Not Her Own

Originally posted on Queen of the Waiting Ones:

Crown with pink pearls

The Queen acts not from the root of ego, for her will is not merely hers. Instead, she embodies the collective will of those Whom she serves.  Even the royal form is not her own, for it is made to house the power of the Crown.

A vessel, to be filled, and to be channeled through, she is.  Joining Heaven and Earth by the Holy Powers’ whim.  And if she would dare to flee, those same Holy Powers will bring her to her knees.

There is no choice; some must don the purple, or they must die.  But the Fates only know whether death comes quick, or from lingering time.  A Queen is a servant, above all else, and must serve to the fullest to preserve her good health.

Her health is the nation’s, whatever it may be, whether consisting of small spirits, or unknown Divinities.  Yes, a Court has…

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Will you deny Me? (Heh, no, no I don’t think I will . . . .)

Originally posted on Strip Me Back To The Bone:

Will you deny Me?
In the dark hours of the early morning,
In the quiet spaces of your day,
In the busy moments snatched here and there,
When you come back into My embrace
When you rest your head where it belongs,
When you place your soul in My capable hands,
Will you deny Me?
As your heart is filled with My loving,
As your body is filled with My breath,
As your mind is caught up, and your very spirit infused with My presence.
I have loved you
Not for what you can give to me
Not for what you can show to others
Not for the names that you call me
I have loved you
For you are a balm to My being
You are warmth and wonder and joy
Do you think We, too, are not moved by hearts reaching out?
Do you think We have all…

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The Sea on My Mind

My soul is full of longing

for the secret of the sea

and the heart of the great ocean

sends a thrilling pulse through me.

- Henry Wordsworth Longfellow -

I have been thinking of Poseidon often in recent days, missing Him keenly, even on days that I have devoted to other Gods. (As I have mentioned before, I have a schedule that I adhere to the best of my ability, but honestly, the Gods do as They will, and I am usually helpless as to when They show up.) I find myself longing for Him, dreaming of Him, reaching out to Him. I feel as if I should be flinging myself into the ocean in an attempt to touch Him physically in any way possible. Sometimes, if I close my eyes and clear my mind, I can hear the ocean and feel the waves lapping at my ankles. It’s surreal how real it feels.

Last night, I was able to speak to Him for what felt like the first time in forever, and when I spoke of how much I missed Him, He just smiled, saying, “I’m never far.” This hit me like a revelation, if revelation feels like an eighteen-wheeler colliding with my rib cage at full speed. The situation that I am in makes me feel very isolated, as I now live 6 hours away from the friends I made while I worked at my old job here in Japan. This coupled with my depression makes me feel so alone, keenly aware that I have become a homebody and have isolated myself. This, in turn, makes me feel like my Gods, my Beloveds, are always far from my reach, especially when I need Them. However, as Poseidon gently reminded me, the distance is never as far as I think, that I have but to call out, and They will be there.

I was also advised to get some “ocean time”, which sounds great to me. I honestly would do this more often if my skin would stop thinking that the sun is the enemy is burning even when I have bathed in the highest SPF sunscreen. I love being on the beach and hearing the ocean. Even if it’s too cold to swim, it would be nice to even just go there, put my feet in the water and read, all while feeling that connection to Poseidon that seems so vital to my being. It may not be this weekend, but perhaps the next when I am able to get that ocean rehab/relax time I so desperately need.

The love I feel for Poseidon is timeless, unending. I have loved Him in lives before, and I will love Him in the life I have after this one ends. He truly does own a part of my of my heart and my soul. Perhaps this is why I need communion with Him: being with Him is like coming home, being complete in a way that word will always fall short of describing. My heart is a puzzle with four pieces, and Poseidon’s piece is the oldest of the four, the most intrinsic to my being. Does this mean I love Him the most? Most certainly not. He is my Beloved, and I am blessed with His love.

I will end with a song that reminds me of Him in a big way. Yes, this song is of Christian roots, but I look at the bigger picture, the bigger message within the song. Please enjoy.

Happy Birthday to Me!

“My dear Bagginses and Boffins, Tooks and Brandybucks, Grubbs, Chubbs, Hornblowers, Bolgers, Bracegirdles and Proudfoots. Today is my one hundred and eleventh birthday! Alas, eleventy-one years is far too short a time to live among such excellent and admirable hobbits.”

-Bilbo Baggins, “The Lord of the Rings, Fellowship of the Ring”

No, but really. Today is my 26th birthday, and I am celebrating it by spending some quality time with my Beloveds and relaxing before the start of my work week. I am very grateful for the extra day off, for it seems that my friend Canadian has given me his cold. (My immune system is weak as all get out. Seriously, I get sick all the time.) I am also grateful for the time I will get to spend with my Gods today, as this will be the first birthday I will get to spend with Them that I am not mired in the lowest parts of my depression. The past 2 years and some change since I converted from being a Mormon to being a Pagan have been incredible. Now, I have 4 Gods to Whom my heart belongs, and I have found the direction I need to go with my life. I finally have the eternal perspective that I have always craved to have.

My hope for the next year is that I continue to grow as a person, as a Pagan, and as a Wife. I hope that I will learn more about myself and the Paths that I am walking. I pray that I can be the wonderful teacher my students need me to be. I want to continue to make leaps and bounds in becoming mentally better. But, most of all, I hope that my love for my Husbands grows more and that I better understand Them.

Now, I am off to put sweet, sweet ice cream cake into my face, then take a nap. ‘Cause I can. XD

Spirit Spouses: Something Old is New Again

Originally posted on The Twisted Rope:

I’ve noticed over the past year or so that god-spousing is becoming a more prominent thing in our community. For those who have never heard of this concept, the idea behind it is that a human person gets married (or some other similar ceremony) to a deity. The marriage ceremony can vary person to person and deity to deity – some have a large ceremony, others don’t. What this relationship can entail is going to vary from person to person as it would with any mortal marriage – some of the marriages are more romantic, some involve sex and some don’t, some are all astral based, and others are not – it’s all very “your mileage may vary”. And of course when anything “new” comes into the community, there are people in the community who dislike that thing, and god-spousing is no exception. Many think that this is totally stupid…

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Rest in Peace, Father Mine

So, the funeral for my father was on Saturday, US time, and the original plan was to have me watch over skype. However, my sister couldn’t get enough reception to have me watch. On top of this, my father’s girlfriend (long story short: my parents separated about a year ago), wouldn’t let my sister read the eulogy that I wrote for him, for reason’s beyond my comprehension and knowledge. Obviously, this upset me intensely. So, I posted it on my facebook so that my family members and my dad’s friends could read what I wrote for him. I thought I had done the right thing for myself, for my grief, but apparently what I posted offended the girlfriend’s daughter. This girl decided to harass me and insult me by questioning why I hadn’t been there for him and saying that what I had written as a preface to my eulogy on facebook was inappropriate. Ultimately, I just blocked her, but it cut me deep to have someone throw in my face the question “Why weren’t you there for him? Where were you when he was on his deathbed.” The defensive part of me wanted to be like, “Bitch, I live in fucking Japan. I would like to see you shell out $2 thousand dollars on short notice for a plane ticket.” However, because I am a civil person… Most of the time… I just asked her to leave me be, and when she didn’t. I blocked her.

Anyways, I wanted to post here what I wrote for him. I edited out his name for the sake of my family’s privacy. I would say “please enjoy”, but I don’t think that is appropriate in this context, but I am not quite sure how to preface this. Anyways, again, here you go. I hope you like it.

[My father] came into my life when I was only five years old, and unlike any man before him, he stayed. He truly became my father, raising me and guding me not because he had to, but because he wanted to. This taught me that family is more than blood and genetics. It is the bonds you share with someone who has put time and effort into your well-being, sometimes above their own. He taught me what it meant to be a father.

He taught me the meaning of hard work and perseverance, taught me that with persistence and elbow grease, anything can be accomplished. Without this lesson, I would not be where I am now, living my dream. I will strive to work hard in all areas of my life in honor of his memory and to teach this lesson to my children when the time comes.

Most of all, though, [he] taught me that the true measure of a man is not in great deeds or great sacrifices, but in the small, day-to-day moments. It is measured by the accumulation of all the little things that make up one’s life. He taught me that strength is not just physical, but also mental, emotional, and spiritual. These things are the measure of a truly great man, and [he] was one such man.

[My father] wasn’t perfect, no man is, but he was and is still great to me. I will miss making his coffee in the morning and hearing him say the word “blitherin”. I will miss his silly jokes and the stupid movies he loved to watch. Actually, there won’t be anything that I won’t miss. I will miss him and all the little things that made him dear to me for the rest of my life.

Thank you, Dad, for all that you have taught me. May you rest in peace. I love you, Dad.